Superbad Page #8

My parents are gone

so I'm having a party.

I don't really knoW hoW many people

are gonna be there...

...but you could stop by

if you Wanted to.

Yeah, I love parties.

Really?

I just don't really ever

see you at them.

You knoW, it's a love-hate thing.

So, like, you knoW, right noW,

I really love them, though.

- Yeah.

- Good sh*t, right, Miroki?

Yeah.

Hey, Miroki, could We have

a minute alone? Just-- Thanks.

Dude, Jules is having

a f***ing party.

Hey!

- Don't tell Fogell about the party.

- Gangsters. What's up, guys?

I Was just Walking doWn the hall

and Nicola Was right in front of me.

She's Wearing these tight White pants

With this black G-string...

...and you could see right

through the pants. It Was so sWeet.

It's 10:
33.

What?

I told her What time it Was.

That's the coolest f***ing story

I've ever heard in my entire life.

- Can I hear it again? You have time?

- Yeah, yeah, Seth.

I'll miss your knee-slappers

When me and Evan are at Dartmouth.

While you guys are at Dartmouth,

I'll be at State...

...Where the girls are half as smart

and tWice as likely to fellash me.

What are you guys doing tonight?

A**hole.

We got nothing.

Nothing tonight, Fogell.

No? Well, if nothing comes up,

We can get shitfaced again, yeah?

You're alWays calling me a p*ssy,

but today you're Wrong.

At lunch, I'm going to the same place

Mike Snider Went...

...to pick up my brand-neW fake ID.

Yeah. Fake ID. Fake ID. I'm tight.

That's insane. Evan Was like,

"I heard about this party.

We shouldn't tell Fogell."

I Was like, "No, We should tell Fogell."

You could buy us booze noW.

It's aWesome.

Yeah, I'll-- Sure, I'll buy the booze.

Yeah, We're gonna get our drinks on.

We're gonna party

and get crunk and rock out, dude.

If you're not in this class,

leave this class.

Fogell! Hi.

Okay. Gotta go.

Well done. Seriously.

See you after class.

You tell that idiot

you're not rooming With him?

Not yet. No.

All right, Well, you better.

That guy's the f***ing anti-poon.

Seth, it's dishes time.

What's the holdup?

We're getting a fake ID, so... .

- It's not like a big deal.

- WoW, that's cool.

But you guys have, like,

four more years to go...

...so do you Wanna get to Work?

Well, We got into

different schools, so... .

So you're cutting the cord?

What's gonna happen?

Nothing. Jeez, What does

everybody think is gonna happen?

The World's gonna explode if We

don't spend every second together?

I mean, We're not dependent

on each other, you knoW.

We met When We Were 8.

We Were fine before then.

I Was. I mean, it's like,

We don't do everything together.

No. All right, I gotta take a piss.

My dick's not gonna shake itself.

Come on, babe.

- He's a crack-up.

- I'm just gonna go.

Well, at least

We're getting a graduation party.

Thank God, man.

I'm excited.

I Would do terrible, disgusting things

to hook up With Jules.

- Unforgivable things.

- I hear you, man.

I'd give my middle nut

to start dating Becca.

Becca's a b*tch.

You knoW What? I'm seriously

getting f***ing sick of you...

...talking about her like that,

if We can be honest.

- Me too.

- Why do you hate her so much?

You've never given me a reason.

I think you like her.

- F*** no, man! I hate Becca.

- Why, man?

Fine, Evan. Here it comes.

When I Was a little kid,

I kind of had this problem.

And it's not even that big of a deal.

Something like 8 percent of kids

do it, but Whatever. It's... .

For some reason, I don't knoW Why,

I Would just kind of sit around all day...

...and draW pictures of d*cks.

What?

DraW pictures of d*cks.

D*cks?

Like a man dick?

Yeah. Like a man dick.

I'd sit there for hours, drawing d*cks.

I don't know what it was.

I couldn't touch the pen to paper

without drawing the shape of a penis.

- That's f***ed.

- No sh*t, it's really f***ed up.

Here I am, this little kid...

... and I can't stop drawing d*cks

to save my own life.

All right. I mean, I don't see

What this has to do With Becca.

Just listen. Okay?

Your precious little Becca

sat next to me for all of fourth grade.

And in the classroom is where

I did the majority of my illustrations.

I was very secretive about this

whole dick operation I had going on.

Even I thought I was f***ing crazy.

Imagine what everyone else

would think.

So I would stash

all of my dick drawings...

... in this Ghostbusters lunchbox

that I had.

So one day I'm finishing up this

real big, veiny, triumphant bastard.

All of a sudden... .

P*ssy!

You hit Becca's foot With your dick?

Yeah. I knoW.

Oh, my God!

She starts crying. She flips out.

And she rats me out to the principal.

He finds this Ghostbusters lunchbox

dick treasure chest...

... and he f***ing flips out.

He calls in my parents. Turns out this

principal is some religious fanatic...

... and he thinks I'm possessed

by some dick devil.

My parents make me see a therapist,

and he's asking me dick questions.

They made me stop eating foods

shaped like d*cks.

No hot dogs, no Popsicles.

You knoW hoW many foods are

shaped like d*cks? The best kinds.

Yeah.

Well, I don't--

That's really messed up.

- Super gay.

- All right, let's stop this madness.

- Let's just go get some dessert.

- I can't, I gotta go meet my counselor.

I'm picking out my classes

for next year.

So I gotta sit and eat dessert alone,

like I'm f***ing Steven Glanzberg?

I gue-- Yeah, I mean,

What do you Want me to do?

I don't knoW. Nothing. It's fine.

- Just relax, man. I'll see you later.

- That's fine. I'll be fine.

Hey, p*ssy.

F*** off.

Just the one. Just the one. Not both.

- So I'll call Andy and Greg.

- Okay.

And I'll bring the '80s dance music.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Right on.

Seth! Hi. There you are.

We Were just talking about you.

- Here I am.

- That's Weird.

So you're coming to my party tonight?

Because it's fully on.

Yeah, Why? Should I not come?

Because I could think of other sh*t... .

Oh, no. No.

I Want you to come, I just--

You said something earlier about,

like, a fake ID or something, right?

Yeah, I'm gonna get one.

For sure, for sure.

I'm getting that for sure.

Can you get us booze?

Yeah. I can.

I can get you guys alcohol.

- Really? Seriously?

- Yes, for sure.

That Would be aWesome.

Thank you.

Because We Were Worried about that.

That Would be great.

Plus, you knoW, you scratch

our backs, We'll scratch yours.

Well, Jules, the funny thing

about my back...

...is that it's located on my cock.

So you do Want alcohol?

You Want some or no?

You do or you don't?

You do Want alcohol.

- Yeah.

- Either Way.

- Well--

- Either Way. Either Way's fine.

This is actually kind of a big favor.

Because my parents left me like

But the house is full of food,

so I just thought I'd spend it all...

...on, you knoW,

extra drinks for the party, so... .

That's really nice. I don't think

I've ever done anything that nice.

- It's cool?

- Yeah.

- Okay. Thank you.

- AWesome.

I mean, seriously, that's really--

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