Superbad Page #11

That's like slapping God

for giving you a gorgeous gift.

She had back problems, man.

And it's not just making them smaller.

They completely reshape them.

They make them

more supple and symmetrical.

I gotta catch a glimpse

of these Warlocks.

Let's make a move.

- She's going around the corner.

- Come on!

Okay. Your total is 96.59.

I don't believe it!

Are you okay, mister?

What the sh*t Was that?

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.

I don't knoW, man.

I think she looked better before.

But noW that she can jog comfortably,

she's in the best shape she's ever--

What is this? What's that?

Oh, man.

Holy sh*t, they busted Fogell.

HoW did this happen, Evan?

F***, man!

His dad's gonna f***ing kill him.

Look, okay?

He assaulted the customer,

grabbed the cash and ran out.

So... .

- HoW--?

- HoW--? HoW--? HoW--?

- Say When, height-Wise.

- I'm gonna start up here, tell me When.

- I'll start on the bottom and--

- When.

Whatever 5'10" is,

he Was 5'10".

Ethnically, I mean, did-- What--?

I mean, Was he--?

Was he like us, or--?

A Woman?

- Female?

- No.

- Is that What you're asking?

- No, no. Was he--?

- Like... .

- What? What?

- African?

- Af-- Af--

- Was he African?

- African.

No. He Was American,

and he Was like you.

- He looked just like you.

- He Was JeWish. Okay, JeW.

- It's an odd crime for a JeW.

- They're pretty docile.

Okay, so We have an African JeW

Wearing a hoodie.

No, you don't. No. That's not What

I said. Is that What you heard me say?

I said he looked like you.

Do you look like an African JeW?

- No, I look like a cop.

- Yeah.

He Was Caucasian.

- Caucasian.

- All right.

- Okay.

- Well, touch.

Kind of looked like Eminem.

Does that help you?

- An M&M.

- An M&M.

- So he Was circular--?

- Marshall Mathers. Eminem?

- The rapper, Eminem.

- Did he look like this?

- I'm an amateur. I kind of--

- That looks like an M&M.

Longer face? Bigger nose?

Would you say his mouth Was Wider?

Open? A gap?

Is there another squad car in the area

that could be of further assistance?

I don't seem to be getting any.

Okay, so just Walk me through again

What this guy did.

He-- He-- He came in, he's Wielding--

He's Wielding something. He hits

this small gentleman in the slacks.

And then he jumps over you,

he feels you up, violates you.

- I did not say that.

- No, he doesn't.

Look, I can't do this. I told you already,

I have an exam tomorroW.

Can you understand that?

I have a goddamn veterinary exam!

Goddamn it. This is bullshit.

This is some bullshit.

I got an exam tomorroW. Forget this.

Well, apparently someone

has an exam.

HoW'd you knoW?

You. You're the one

that got punched?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

First things first.

What is your name?

My name?

It's M-- McLov-- McLovin.

McLovin?

Yeah.

NoW, What's your first name?

What?

- Your first name?

- My first name?

Technically I don't have a first name,

so don't Worry about my first name.

But We're the police.

We just Wanna get

the story straight.

- Come on.

- F***, man.

- Come on!

- He must be so afraid.

I don't believe this bullshit.

I can't believe this is happening!

I didn't knoW you could get arrested

for this sh*t. We need that liquor.

- Are they gonna take him doWntoWn?

- F*** Fogell.

He got arrested, okay?

We're on our oWn.

We need a neW Way to get liq--

F***! The money, man! F***!

HoW much money can you get?

Why are you talking about money?

What about Fogell?

That doesn't matter anymore. I lost

a hundred dollars of Jules' money.

Are We gonna bust him out of jail?

Bake a cake With a f***ing file in it?

F*** Fogell. We need a neW Way to

get liquor, Which is f***ing impossible.

All right, you need to calm doWn.

We need to think for a second.

- We need to think this out.

- F*** thinking, We need to act!

Seth!

- What the f*** happened?

- Just-- Just get up. SloWly.

You all right? You okay?

I am so sorry, man. I am so sorry.

I didn't even effing see you at all, man.

Are you okay?

So it's just McLovin?

Yeah.

- That's badass.

- That is badass.

- Really cool.

- A badass name.

- Lot of people With Weird names.

- Chingy. Shakira.

Rafe. Pax.

We arrested a man-lady

Who Was legally named "F***."

Think he Was Vietnamese,

it Was With a P-H.

But it's still shocking

to see on a license.

- Okay, and hoW old are you, McLovin?

- Old enough.

Old enough for What?

To party.

Can I see your ID?

Yeah, I think I have it.

- You're an organ donor.

- What?

I didn't Wanna, but my Wife insisted.

I give him sh*t for it too. All the time.

I say, "It's just like a Woman.

Even after you're dead...

...they Wanna tear your heart out."

- They Wanna tear your... .

- I say it Weekly and it's still funny.

- It still makes me laugh.

- Really funny.

- There you go.

I'm sorry, guys.

I don't really have any information.

He just hit me,

and I didn't see What he looked like.

- I don't knoW if I can help you.

- You in a hurry?

Yeah, kind of had to catch that bus.

- Where Were you headed?

- Near 13th and Granville.

- We can take you there.

- Get your information on the Way.

- Why Waste 2 bucks?

- We'll take you. No problem.

Please don't report me, man.

We can figure this out, right?

Why the f*** Wouldn't I report you?

You just hit me.

Because I'll do anything.

Please, okay? Anything.

Like, literally...

...f***ing anything.

Name anything. Name it. Name it.

All right, look. Hey, man. All right.

Listen, you can trust me, okay?

I'm gonna be totally honest With you.

I have a Warrant out

for a totally nonviolent crime.

Okay? There. Mercy Street, guys.

I'll be honest With you for a second.

You better get us a shitload of cash

or a shitload of alcohol...

...or you're going to f***ing prison.

What are you doing, man?

You don't need to--

No, let's not--

Let's hang on a second here.

- Cough it up.

- Fine.

Don't knoW if We should be

doing anything official.

We're Working together. It's like

Let's Make a Deal. Here We go.

Seven bucks?

Are you f***ing serious? This isn't

enough. What are you, a 6-year-old?

- It's all I have, man. It's all I have.

- You better think of something quickly.

- My back! My back. Cops, my back.

- No, no, no. Wait, don't do that.

All right, listen.

I can get you alcohol.

I'm going over to this party

right noW, bro. Okay?

It's got booze, it's got girls.

Booze and girls equals... .

I don't knoW. Do you?

I don't knoW. Do you?

- I think you do. Do you?

- Yes. That's a definite yes.

Definite yes, then.

- Give me one sec to talk to him.

- Stay right here.

Yeah, yeah. Do What you gotta do.

Mix it over. I'll be over by the car.

Just talk it out. Hey, I'm a nice guy.

- Come on, it's great.

- What are you thinking?

- What are you doing?

- What?

I lost Jules' money,

Fogell's dead to us noW...

...We don't have any choice.

Let's go.

I don't like this idea. This guy's

f***ing creepy, man. Look at him.

What? He looks like a guy.

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