Superbad Page #5

- It's not What you think, guys.

- I'm not even--

- Sit the f*** doWn. Stay doWn.

- Calm doWn.

- I thought We Were friends...

...and then you go running aWay.

Contain yourself.

- We're friends.

- Shut up.

- Calm doWn. Calm doWn, man.

- Why? What?

You just cock-blocked McLovin.

Okay?

He's our friend. We don't do that.

We should be guiding his cock,

not blocking it.

Just relax, okay?

Let's make this right.

Wait, What are you--?

What are you guys doing?

No, please, I can't-- I can't go to jail.

Please, I can't go to jail.

No, look.

We're really sorry, McLovin.

This has-- This has gone on--

This has gone Way too far.

What? What are you talking about?

We knoW you're not 25, man.

We're not idiots, McLovin.

- Yeah.

- Did you knoW the Whole time?

Look, When We Were your age,

We hated cops.

When We saW you

in the liquor store today, We just... .

I guess We saW a bit of ourselves,

you knoW...

...and We just Wanted

to shoW you that...

...you knoW, cops can have

a fun time too, you knoW?

Yeah.

You knoW, in a Way,

I think We Wanted to shoW ourselves.

Also, I'm... .

I'm really sorry

that I blocked your cock.

- Apology accepted.

- Seriously, man.

That feels good.

- It feels so good.

- I missed you guys.

I just Wish We could

make it up to you somehoW, man.

Well, do you think

you can do me a really big favor?

- What is it? Anything.

- Name it.

- This kid's f***ing crazy.

- Stay back for your oWn safety.

Get off me, you f***ing cops.

Get your hands off.

Do you knoW Who I am?

I'm Fogell.

- The joint can't hold me.

- Holy sh*t, Fogell's a badass.

I'm gonna break your glasses,

you f***ing cop. You can't hold me.

F***ing pigs.

Oh, sh*t.

Nice mullet, a**hole.

- You crazy.

- This kid's crazy.

He's nuts.

Well, We caught the infamous Fogell.

Get your hands--

Wait for me, Nicola.

Wait for me on the outside.

We Were gonna go to HaWaii.

Man, that's gonna get you

so much ass.

Seriously?

- I knoW What to do about the car.

- SWeet.

F***ing go. F***ing throW up.

Are you carrying me?

No, I'm saving you from the cops.

You saved me?

Well, I don't knoW What

you're talking about, but thanks.

Can l-- Should I just Walk?

- Should I Walk?

- Yeah, sure.

- Okay.

- Where do you Wanna go?

Sleepover at my house?

You Wanna come sleep...?

- Okay.

- Okay.

Does your mom

still have pizza bagels?

Yeah. Lots.

Pizza bagels.

So by signing this,

you are officially saying...

...that as We stopped you

from being mugged...

...a crackhead stole our cruiser

and did God knoWs What With it.

- You cool to sign that?

- Of course. I oWe you guys my life.

We oWe you, Mc--

Wait, What's your real name again?

- Fogell.

- F*** that.

- We're calling you McLovin.

- McLovin.

Let's do this dance, boys.

- Oh, my God.

- What did I tell you guys, right?

That Was crazy.

All right.

All right, noW, guys, check this out.

It's probably the greatest move

in doughnut-spinning history.

You paying attention?

Behold, the upWard-spiraling pigtail.

- Why is it called that?

- I don't knoW.

Make the badge proud, Slater.

He's not usually this drunk

When he does this...

...but I think

that could make it more cool.

McLovin!

Oh, no.

F***.

- Slater!

- Officer Slater.

All right. F***ing crazy.

Let's do this.

- Hurry, hurry. Let's go. Go, go.

- I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.

- I'm out, I'm out.

- Good, here We go, here We go.

Yeah? Yeah, okay. Back up.

Don't bloW yourself up, a**hole.

Yes. Oh, my God.

It Worked. It Worked.

We Won. We Won.

Can We shoot at it?

I don't knoW. Can you?

Break yourself, fool.

Tight.

Listen, and then she said

she Was gonna give me a bloW-J.

- I can't believe she said that to you.

- Man, you have no idea.

- What Was she thinking?

- You don't even knoW.

I gotta tell you.

I gotta tell you something, Evan.

What?

I Was in your room, like,

three Weeks ago...

...While you Were taking a sh*t.

And I saW your housing, like, forms.

So I kneW you and Fogell

Were gonna live together, you knoW.

I'm sorry, man, I don't knoW.

I should've told you.

I don't knoW Why I didn't.

Don't-- No, don't be sorry.

I should be sorry.

I Was being a dick.

I Was being a big dick to you.

No, l--

Listen, Seth, I Want you to knoW,

I don't Wanna live With Fogell.

I never Wanted to live With him.

I just don't-- I ha--

I'm afraid to live With strangers.

I can't.

I can't do it.

I knoW, I knoW.

I can't believe you saved me.

You saved me.

I can't believe. I oWe you so--

You carried me. I love you.

I love you, man.

I love you.

I love you. I'm not even

embarrassed to say it. I just--

I lo-- I love you.

- I'm not embarrassed.

- I love you.

I love you.

Why don't We say that every day?

Why can't We say it more often?

I just love you. I just Wanna

go to the rooftops and scream:

"I love my best friend, Evan."

- We should go up on my roof.

- For sure.

Like, When you Went aWay for Easter,

on your vacation, I missed you.

- I missed you too.

- I Want the World to knoW.

It's-- It's the most beautiful thing

in the World.

Come here. Come here, man.

- I love you.

- I love you.

What the f***?

- What up?

- Morning. Morning.

I should get moving.

I should get moving.

I should be getting

a move on, for sure.

Yeah, you don't--

I mean, you don't have to, you knoW.

I don't really have anything

going on.

You don't have to rush off like that.

You Wanna hang out?

I Was gonna go to the mall.

I have to get a neW comforter.

For college.

The mall, they Would sell that.

Cool. So...

...your mom's got huge tits.

What do you think?

I don't knoW, man. Don't ask me.

Because I don't give a sh*t

hoW pants look.

Yeah, I need someone's opinion.

Those are too tight.

Those are Way too tight.

- Yeah, but, like--

- Way too tight. You need to upgrade.

There's not enough pants Where

there should be. More pants.

Yeah, but--

I mean, does it look Weird?

Looks like you're standing funny. You

Wouldn't stand like that. Like a duck.

Yeah, but I'm doing like--

- I'm doing the college poses like--

- I don't knoW if you are.

- You might just be doing--

- Hey, prof.

- Okay.

- That test Was... .

Hey, Susan. Are you gonna

party tonight or no?

Yeah, but that's just-- It's like I Wish

there Were more pants Where--

You knoW, Where there aren't.

But When I Was Wearing

your dad's pants...

...I realized that if I Wear pants

that are a little too small...

...it might encourage me

to lose Weight.

And also,

chicks can kind of see, like...

...you knoW, the borders

and outline of my dick a little.

Yeah, man, they go nuts for that.

The male camel toe.

Yeah, the camel tail. It's right--

I knoW Where it is, Where it happens.

Like, right there.

It's like they're so tight that one ball is,

like, above my dick, even.

- Yeah, exactly.

- It's like three.

It's like a three thing.

It's like ball, dick, ball.

It's like a division sign.

Like a bunch of people

crammed into a van.

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