Superbad Page #6

- Making my ass look Weird?

- It makes a lot of stuff look Weird.

No, those are Way too tight.

You're right, these look stupid.

Let's get the f*** out of here.

I'm really sorry about that.

I can't believe I actually did that.

I feel bad that I'm making you

buy me a neW one.

It's seems, like, ridiculous.

- No. I have to, it's puke. It's gross.

- Oh, my God.

Do alcoholics get hangovers?

Holy sh*t, holy sh*t, holy sh*t.

It's them.

- What the f*** do We do, man?

- Don't stop. I don't knoW.

- Hey.

- Hey.

HoW's it going?

It's so good to--

HoW are you feeling?

I've felt better. But I'll be fine.

HoW about you?

I'm okay, you knoW, yeah.

Did you have fun last night?

You knoW,

I actually don't remember much.

I don't remember anything.

- So Weird.

- Nothing.

I didn't puke on you, did I?

You didn't.

I remember that you-- I avoided it.

It Whizzed right by me, and I said,

"Stay aWay from me," you knoW.

I'm really sorry about

everything last night, and I just... .

Thank you for being

such a nice guy about it all.

That's okay, you knoW.

At least you don't have

a black eye from it.

- That looks terrible.

- Yeah.

You look great. You don't look terrible.

It's just, like, a bad bruise.

Everything's great, just from he--

This, just like right there.

- Your eye.

- Yeah, your eye.

Everything else is great.

But seriously,

I acted like a f***ing idiot last night.

You don't deserve that.

So I'm sorry.

On the upside,

I think you look cool With a black eye.

I'm just gonna throW that out there.

I don't-- I don't knoW.

Well, thank you, smart guy.

Thanks. That's actually Why I'm here.

Because I have to get

a ton of cover-up for the grad photo.

Oh, man. F***.

And I'm gonna get Jules

a neW comforter.

I have to get a comforter too.

For college.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, I just figured I Would need one.

So, Seth... .

So do you Wanna come

buy me cover-up or something?

I mean, you kind of oWe me.

Yeah, definitely.

I Would love to do that.

I had such bad acne last year...

...that I pretty much became,

like, an expert on the stuff.

Well, you drove.

Evan drove me here, though, so... .

Well, so--

Well, I mean, I have my dad's car.

So I could just give you a lift...

...and then Evan

could take Becca home.

If that Works.

I don't knoW if it's in your route.

It'd be fine With me.

Fine, yeah.

Maybe We can get some food.

Yeah, I'd like that.

So I guess I'll call you, then.

Yeah, give me a call.

Yeah, you have my number.

I have your information.

So put her there.

Perfect. Good. All right, man.

- Okay.

- Okay, guys.

- Becca.

- Bye, guys.

- Bye, have fun.

- See you, Jules.

Yeah, that's funny. Too funny.

Where do you Wanna go to eat?

So can you honestly help me figure out

What kind of cover-up to get?

I love you.

Yo.

Hey, I Was doing some research

for next year...

...and I think I figured out

Which Website I Wanna subscribe to.

- The Vag-tastic Voyage.

- Which one is the Vag-tastic Voyage?

The Vag-tastic Voyage

is the one where...

... they find random girls on the street,

and they invite them into a van...

...and then they bang them

in the van.

It's like 13 bucks a month...

...and you get access

to other sites.

Like one's Latina, one's Asian,

you knoW, there's one for fetishes...

...like feet and pee-pee and sh*t

and stuff like that.

That's disgusting.

You're like an animal.

I'm-- What? I'm disgusting?

You're the Weird one, man.

Don't make me feel Weird

because I like porn.

You're Weird for not liking porn.

I'm normal as sh*t.

Peeing on people. That's normal?

Evan, I'm not saying

I'm gonna look at it.

I'm just saying that

it comes With the site, okay?

I don't knoW What I'm gonna be into

I'm just sick of all the amateur stuff.

I mean, like, if I'm paying top dollar,

I Want a little production value.

Like some editing, transition,

something. Some music.

Yeah, Well, I'm sorry the Coen brothers

don't direct the porn that I Watch.

They're hard to get ahold of, okay?

Plus your parents are gonna be

looking at the bill, dipshit.

Yeah, you're right. I probably should

pick the one With the least dirty name.

What about, like, Perfect Ten?

Something like that, you knoW?

Like Perfect Ten?

Because that could be

any number of things.

They can't really get you for that.

That could be, like, a boWling Website.

Yeah, but they don't really shoW dick

going in, Which is a huge concern.

I didn't realize that.

Plus, have you ever seen

a vagina by itself?

Not for me.

Hi.

- Thanks for taking him, Seth.

- No-- No problem, Jane.

- HoW are you?

- Good.

Beautiful.

- Don't touch that.

- What are you--?

- I'm not a piece of meat.

- You tWo are funny.

I can't imagine What you're gonna do

Without each other next year.

Evan told me

you didn't get into Dartmouth.

I got into some schools, some

pretty good ones. So I'll be fine.

- You gonna miss each other?

- No. Miss each other? No, thank you.

I don't-- I don't miss each other.

I'm gonna cry myself

to sleep every night.

- Me too.

- When I'm out partying.

Go to school, boys.

- Bye, Mom.

- Bye, Jane.

I am truly jealous you got to suck

on those tits When you Were a baby.

Yeah, Well, at least you got to

suck on your dad's dick.

Hey, Seth,

you can't park in the faculty lot.

Don't be such a vagine, man.

I gotta get a Red Bull before class.

You're being an idiot.

You shouldn't have parked there.

F*** it. I'm about to graduate.

They should be sucking

on my ball sac.

It's the least they could do

for stealing three years of my life.

- Oh, f*** me.

- Look at those nipples.

They're like little baby toes.

It's not fair

they get to flaunt that stuff...

...and I have to hide

every erection I get.

You knoW What I do?

I flip my boner up into my Waistband.

It hides it and it feels aWesome.

I almost bleW a load

into my bellybutton.

I mean, just imagine if girls Weren't

Weirded out by our boners...

...and just, like,

Wanted to see them.

I mean, that's the World

I one day Wanna live in.

It's been tWo years since I've seen

an actual human female nipple.

Shauna?

Shauna Was tWo years ago noW?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so.

But she Was insanely hot.

Exactly. She Was too hot, okay?

That's What sucks.

HoW can that suck?

I'd be psyched if I got With her.

You got, like, tWo dozen handjobs.

Yes, and three-quarters of a bloWj*b,

but Who's counting?

Look, it Was the peak

of my ass-getting career...

...and it happened Way too early.

- You're like Orson Welles.

- Exactly!

If I'd paced myself,

I'd be having at least steady sex...

...With a decent-looking girl.

I honestly see noW Why Orson Welles

ate his fat ass to death.

You'll have sex in college,

everyone does.

But the point is to be good at sex

by the time you get to college.

You don't Want girls thinking

you suck dick at f***ing p*ssy.

I still think you have

a chance With Jules.

She got incredibly hot over

last summer...

...and she obviously

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