Swearnet: The Movie Page #5

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And we're about ready

to drop the puck

So let's get right

to the goddamn action.

No f***in' around here

on swearnet.

That's right,

no f***in' around on swearnet!

I'm f***in' swearman!

Ha ha!

Oh, Jesus f***in' Christ.

It's just been brought

to my attention

That our mascot swearman,

Has a 3 and a half inch

fully erect penis,

Which I find a little strange

Considering there's

only men in the room,

Don't you think, John Paul?

It's quite strange, Robb.

Swearman, can you tell

us why your tiny, tiny cock

Is hard right now?

I'll tell you why

it's f***in' hard!

'Cause I'm wearing

a skintight silky suit

And it's rubbin' my cock!

Sorry I've got a hard cock

'Cause silky things

are rubbin' on it!

I'm not all manly like you,

John Paul,

When silky rubs my knob

I f***ing gets hard!

And if you haven't had

a silky rub nob

It feels f***ing fantastic!

Guys, what the f***

is going on in here?!

Shut that thing down!

F*** off!

Take him high, Ronnie,

he's hard as a rock!

We have f***in' passes, guys!

F*** off!

What the- Ah!

Ah!

Hold on, pat!

- What the f***?!

- Get me the f*** down!

F*** you, CNT,

you cocksuckers!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

You should probably shoot that.

You're on the big screen, bud!

Holy f***, this is f***ed!

What the f***?!

Get me the f*** down!

I f***in' swear,

cocksuckers!

An incredibly harrowing

And potentially deadly

situation at game 7

Of the Canada-U.S.

Series tonight

When Patrick roach,

Who you may know better

as the shirtless,

Homosexual trailer park

resident, randy,

From "trailer park boys",

Hung from a skybox

naked from the waist down.

It really was a dumb stunt,

bill.

I don't know

who swearman is,

But clearly a publicity

stunt of some sort.

And not a good one either.

I know if my penis

was that tiny

I wouldn't want

the whole world to see it.

And not sure it was

semi-Erect either.

Well, Mr. Roach was

subsequently arrested

By Halifax police.

Yeah, swearman!

Swearman, yeah!

This is gonna be f***in' huge,

man.

I think we should be more

like a real network.

Do we really need

c*cks on there?

- Yes, we want c*cks on there.

- C*cks are f***in' funny.

People's c*cks coming

out unexpectedly,

That's spectacle.

That's what people wanna see.

That's what you wanna see,

man,

Because you're obsessed

with c*cks!

F*** off.

Your grandmother's

obsessed with c*cks.

Your grandmother

has a cock.

Who was that?

Nothin'.

Ole Robbie Bobbie rackin' up

a couple sunshine girls.

They're hoping to get

a picture taken with us.

You're f***in'

right they can!

Here, girls,

say hi to swearnet.

- Hi, swearnet!

- I'm so excited to meet you!

I'm excited to f***in'

meet you too.

Hi, guys, Jamie Freeson.

I'm sorry, but you can't have

the girls on camera

Without a contract.

Well they came up and asked

us for a picture.

I understand...

and I know who you guys are,

But "the sun"

is a client of mine

And they pay the bills,

so, you know.

Yeah, sorry, just,

they were f***in' smokin'

And we just wanted

to document it for swearnet.

What's swearnet?

Yeah, so it's like a regular

channel you'd see.

You know,

it's got a morning show,

News, weather, sports,

all that sh*t,

Except everybody

on every channel

Is allowed to swear

their f***in' head off.

And you honestly got this many

subscriptions just today?

He's serious, yeah.

Swearman's had almost 100,000

views in the last hour.

- Sorry to interrupt, man.

- I'm a f***in' huge fan.

Do you think we can get

a couple of autographs here?

Sure, man,

who's got a pen?

You guys-You guys do c*cks?

What?

Yeah, we're tryin'

to get 'em tattooed.

JP f***in' loves

signing c*cks.

I'm not f***in'

signing c*cks!

Yes we are, yes we are.

Jamie?

Come on, man,

this'll be f***in' hilarious.

It's not gay if you're not

touchin' anything.

- I don't care.

- I'm not signing c*cks.

Hi, there,

Mike Smith for swearnet.

Welcome to this edition

of "sign my cock".

That doesn't look gay at all,

Smith.

So where are you guys from?

We're form motherfuckin'

medicine hat, Alberta, b*tches!

Uh, this isn't gonna work.

Oh, sorry,

I got a silver one right here.

Oh nice, perfect.

Swearnet.Com, motherfuckers.

Five bucks a month all the

craziest sh*t you'll ever see.

Swearnet, b*tches!

Yeah, swearman!

Oh, you guys have

a very unique demographic,

Very marketable.

I would love

to talk to you

About maybe using some

of our clients on swearnet

For promotion and advertising.

Cool, right on.

Ah, I don't know.

What about sponsor my car

in the east coast rally?

You guys are in the rally?

I've got some celebs

at that thing!

We've got tom green there.

Carrot top will be doing

some endorsement stuff

For liquormen's whisky.

God I f***in'

love those guys!

It's not really what

swearnet's about.

Sponsorship always ends up

meaning f***ing censorship.

F***, man, let's not write

it off that fast.

Let me at least see if they

would even be interested.

Okay, what are you guys

doing tomorrow?

Liquormen's is hosting a hole

at a celebrity golf tournament,

Maybe I could make a call,

See if we can add

team swearnet?

What do we got planned

for tomorrow?

Nothing as big as interviewing

two huge Hollywood celebrities!

Let's f***in' do it then!

Come on!

Cheers.

- Right on, thanks, Jamie!

- Woo!

Woo!

Ah!

Not a f***in' chance!

F***. F*** you.

Robbie, jam those f***ers

together!

Come on, do another one!

I'm watching on swear...

holy sh*t!

She still has her f***in'

phone turned off.

What am I gonna do?

Not much you can do now, bud,

other than say f*** it.

I'm so f***in' stupid.

I f***ed up, I f***ed up.

I'm f***in' dumb.

Pinchcock, f*** off.

Here comes swearman.

Here, here,

intro this, intro this.

Today on "drunk tank"

World reknowned

cock-Out acrobat, swearman.

Swearman,

how was the drunk tank?

Oh, just f***ing great,

Except at $10,000 f***in' fine

for public indecency

'Cause my erect cock was beamed

around the f***in' world

To millions of f***in' people!

Okay.

Can you tell us why you chose

not to wear any underwear

Underneath the suit, swearman?

F*** off, Robb!

Turn the f***ing camera off,

Smith!

I'm not in the mood

for this f***in' sh*t!

Swearnet is f***in' payin'

for that f***in' fine!

Swearnet will do no such thing,

my rotund little f*** beast.

Not a f***in' chance.

Swearnet is gonna f***in'

pay for that,

'Cause it's your f***in' fault,

Smith!

You're the f***in' a**hole

that made me f***ing drink

For f*** sakes!

He's got a point, man.

All right, ass milker,

I'll see your little offer

And I'll raise

the f***in' thing.

Swearnet pays the fine,

swearnet pays you a salary,

But from this point on

you are swearman, bud.

F*** off.

You wanna test the f***in'

powers of swearman?!

Well, you better

be f***in' ready

For what's gonna get

f***in' unleashed!

I'm gonna drink this whole

f***in' thing.

Hey. Babe, can I call you back

in a couple minutes?

What? Slow down, baby.

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