Swearnet: The Movie Page #6

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Oh my god, are you okay?

All right, okay, listen,

you gotta settle down.

Everything's gonna

be all right.

I love you, okay?

I'm gonna leave right now.

F***, we gotta go!

Where the f*** are we goin',

man?

- Just go, go home.

- We gotta go home.

This f***in' liquor's good!

I can't f***in' believe

this is happenin'!

Would you get that f***ing

camera out of my face?!

Come on, man,

swearnet needs some drama.

F***in' sh*t's never as bad

as you think it's gonna be.

God.

Holy f***.

Sweet mother of f***.

I can't start it!

I try, baby, I try!

The car wouldn't start

and then it got too hot

To lift off the blocks!

Everything ignited so fast!

I saved your dad though.

Oh, thanks, babe.

It's okay, it's okay.

You don't have to cry,

all right?

- Look how ugly I am though.

- I'm sorry, baby!

Hey, don't you say that.

You're the most beautiful

woman in the world, okay?

Don't say such silly things!

All right?

Okay, I love you.

Aw, Jesus Christ, jape,

I'm sorry, man.

I saw two men running

into the woods with gas cans.

I couldn't catch them though

because my hair was on fire!

What did they look like?

I don't know,

but one of them

Was like a little

teeny black man.

No, boys,

we don't that's for sure.

Sure, there's lots of little

teeny black men

Runnin' around, Mike.

Well, her f***in' hair

was on fire.

Maybe she got smoke in her eyes

and got confused.

Get out of my yard.

What?

Get the f*** out of my yard!

- Now!

- Go, man.

Jesus, man.

Sorry, brother. F***.

It's okay, baby.

It's just a f***in' car.

F*** did he ever get

bent out of shape.

I don't even know what the f***

to say to you right now.

You better call those psychos

And chill them the f*** out,

man.

Conforti said they were legit

and they seemed nice.

I'm sorry.

Holy sweet flying

f*** squirrels!

That's every f***ing thing

you own.

I can't f***in' believe

Julie did this.

That crazy b*tch

ice cream sundae'd ya.

Aw, man, there's your f***in'

hockey card collection

You had since you were five!

Jesus Christ!

- There's your laptop there.

- It's in good shape.

Why the f*** do you have

a samurai sword?

Oh, is that your Gemini?

This is f***in' crazy!

- Oh my f***!

- Best actor!

Are you seriously filming

this right now?

Turn that off, man!

This isn't f***in' funny!

Hi, there,

welcome to this edition

Of "my friends tried to warn

me my hot girlfriend

Is a f***in' psycho,

but I wouldn't listen."

I'm your host, Robb Wells.

Hey, f*** off!

Mr. Wells,

just in the nick of time.

Are you seriously trying

to burn down

My f***in' house right now?

Well, there would

be little point

In burning down

Mr. Roach's house

Seeing as that's where

the business operates from.

Your missus is a very

talented artist.

Is she a professional?

She is actually.

Mr. Smith, I thought it

was perfectly clear

In our initial business meeting

That you have to return calls

in a prompt manner.

I was shootin' for swearnet,

you know, I was busy.

I didn't think it was

a f***in' big deal.

Oh, Mr. Smith,

if I didn't know any better

I'd say you didn't

read our agreement.

So, do you have a payment

for me today

Or do we have to continue with

these unfortunate tactics?

Do we have his f***in' money

or not?

And why didn't you answer

his f***in' phone calls?!

I didn't think he was

gonna start burnin'

F***in' structures down!

Look, we are going to pay you.

Mr. Pinchbeck,

from now on I'll be dealing

With the financials, okay?

And I promise you I will

always answer my phone!

Well, that sounds satisfactory

enough for me for now.

And that's just a taste

of course.

Man, who in the f*** did

you get us involved with?

I have no f***in' idea, man.

We gotta get somethin'

on swearnet 24-7

And pay these

motherfuckers off.

Wake up you hairy f*** log.

Here, grab an ankle,

Let's get this mexican f***

gorilla out on the ground.

Be careful, he's heavy as f***!

One, two, three!

Oh f***!

Jesus Christ, sorry, swearman.

Anyway, let's drag this beluga

sh*t walrus inside.

- Ready? On three.

- Yeah.

One, two, three!

Holy f***!

Holy f***!

Jesus Christ,

there's a f***in' secret

Victoria probably

wouldn't care to know.

It's so wrinkly.

Did you know

he wore that sh*t?

Yeah, he made me promise

he wouldn't tell you guys.

It started back in grade 7.

Anyway, man, I don't know.

I think you're thinkin' about

this other sh*t too much.

I was thinkin' maybe

we should call Jamie.

We gotta tell her

we can't make

The golf tournament anyway,

and let's ask her.

Maybe there's something

she can do.

Man, corporate sponsorship

goes against

Everything we f***ing

believe in.

I'm sorry, baby,

please come home. I miss you?

Hmm, oh great,

loonie tunes wants to talk.

- Oh, man, who cares?

- F*** her!

Well, I should at least listen

to what she has to say.

We went out for a long time.

Do not f***ing get back

together with her!

I won't.

She's f***in' nuts, man.

I know that now.

Anyway, try to think

of something

We can shoot for f***in'

swearnet

That's gonna be awesome.

I'll call you when I'm done.

You f***in'

p*ssy-Whipped f***er!

I'm not gonna get back

together with her!

You're f***in' calling

her right now, aren't ya?

- No I'm not.

- I'm callin' my mom.

Hey, baby, how are ya?

Cock suckin' f***in' ants!

Sorry about this, swearman.

- Loosin' up the wrists.

- Cup the balls.

- Shut the f*** up! I got it!

- Jesus Christ.

Stroke the shaft.

God- F***!

No more f***in' autographs!

Don't worry,

you'll get the next one.

And the next hundred.

Hey, Mike, how's it goin'?

Where are you guys?

Uh, we had a bit of a f***in'

nightmare.

JP's garage caught fire

and burned down

With his goddamn

race car in it.

Oh my god,

are you serious?

Look, if I bent the rules

On swearnet's corporate

sponsorship policy a bit,

Do you think that sponsor

you mentioned

Could help us out

with a race car?

I think it's very possible.

Uh, let me call you back.

Okay, thanks, Jamie.

Hey, Jamie,

how'd you make out?

No f***in' way!

Right on!

Oh, we'll finally get

to meet those dudes.

All right, amazing.

You rock, Jamie.

I'll call the boys.

Right on.

Sorry about that.

We're f***in' in, buddy!

F***!

F*** you, Smith!

What?

- Hey, buddy, how's it goin'?

- What're you doin'?

I'm workin' out and f***in'!

What do you want?

Oh, yeah, baby!

Nice.

Listen, I just got off

the phone with Jamie.

I got you guys set up with

a new car and sponsor,

Racedicks is f***in' happenin',

bud.

What? Are you f***in'

kidding me?

I'm back in the race.

- Oh! Oh!

- Yeah! Yeah!

F***! Move that! Yeah!

F***-You-Rock, Smith!

Yeah, f*** your good news

into me, baby!

F***in' pound that sh*t, man!

Conference Robb in.

It's kind of hard right now,

man.

Just a second!

What's with the f***in'

rose petals?

Just massage me please, Robb.

Sure.

Oh.

Jesus Christ, Robb,

who is that?

It's JP. I can call him back

though.

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