Swearnet: The Movie Page #9

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The people...

it's the people of the night.

Mr. Wells?

I lovey, lovey feel.

I think Mr. Wells and swearnet

need an intervention, Logi.

Holy f***, boys,

this acim's awesode, man!

I've got the hunger.

What's that?

- I've got the hunger!

- I'm hungry.

- All right.

- You know what?

We could do an awesome f***in'

bit for swearnet -

A cookin' show.

What's the most f***ed up thing

We could cook and eat

right now?

Pat!

Pat! I want the brains!

Hi, there,

welcome to "acid cannibals".

I'm your host, Mike Smith.

Let's cook this f***er!

Looks to be a 240 pound

Himalayan shitbeast!

More sauce! More sauce!

Yeah, ground pepper.

Guys, how are you feelin'

about the race in the morning?

We've got some bald

p*ssy tequila.

And then for the fatty layer

we're gonna dissolve it

With some liquormen's

old dirty Canadian whiskey.

To make it crispy.

Holy f***!

What the f***?!

Get me the f***-

Unfucking tie me,

for f***'s sakes!

Smith, you f***in' untie

me right the f*** now!

You shut your f***in'

mouth shut!

- You f***in' shut up!

- I'm f***in'...

get me the f*** out of here,

Smith!

F***in' untie me

right f***in' now!

This is not f***in' funny!

For f*** sakes!

Boys, I don't wanna freak

you out, but...

it's about two hours

till race time.

How are you guys feelin'?

He said he's 100 percent,

fuckwad.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to day one

Of the east coast Targa,

We'll be getting underway

shortly.

Just a reminder there are still

tickets available

For the final stages...

walk straight now,

straight up.

Holy f***.

It's like a buffalo

with 400 balls.

You've gotta avoid

sh*t like that.

That's a trigger, man.

That'll send you right on

the next train to laughy town.

You gotta focus here.

It's comin' in waves now.

We can control this.

Keep your eyes to the ground.

Don't look anybody, okay?

- Got it.

- Don't look at any-

Oh, we got a greasy bogie

to the right, man.

Don't look at it.

Ah, ah, uh...

hi!

All right,

you did good, man.

Just keep avoiding those

f***in' triggers, all right?

Avoid f***in' triggers.

Folks, it has just been brought

to my attention

That Robb Wells

and John Paul Tremblay

And Mike Smith

will be signing autographs

Over by their swearnet

race car.

Oh, no, no, no,

no, no, god!

Push the memberships.

Hey, everybody, swearnet.Com,

five bucks a month.

Get your autographs right here

from these two d*ckheads.

Comin' through, excuse me.

Comin' through.

Oh, good to have you with us,

fellas.

You mind personalizing

that for me?

That's f***in' beautiful.

What is your name?

The name's Carl,

But the boys down at the gun

club call me trigger.

I'm f***in'

sorry about that!

Uh, Jesus, do you want

me to get that for ya?

What the hell is wrong

with you guys?

Oh my god!

What the hell is wrong

with you guys?

It looks like

your mother's p*ssy.

How do you know what

my mother's p*ssy looks like?

It looks just like that.

I'm surprised you boys passed

the goddamn breathalyzers!

We haven't had a drink.

Okay, let's clear out,

show's over.

We have house of liquormen

samples

Right over there for you.

Thank you, thank you.

Okay, I have you guys

starting sixth.

- Are you guys okay?

- What's wrong?

We were telling jokes

about sh*t.

We're fine.

All right, get in there.

You a**holes are gonna pay

for what you did last night!

That sh*t wasn't even funny!

F*** you!

All right,

get to the start line.

Okay, no f***in' around,

all right?

Are you f***ed

in the head?!

- What?

- If you would've passed out

They were gonna cook me

and eat me!

Pat, I wouldn't have let them

f***in' cook and eat you.

Think about that.

Give me corn dog.

- F*** off!

- I'm f***in' starvin'!

You're taking this swearnet

stuff too f***in' far, Smith!

Pat, I'm in over my f***in'

head here, man.

Look, I gotta make

a huge payment

To pinchcocksucker tomorrow

And I don't have

the f***in' money.

We gotta sell subscriptions

here, man.

Swearman might be the only

person that can do this.

You gotta help me.

People f***in' love you.

They do?

Yes, they f***in' do.

Hey, it's swearman,

everybody!

Yeah!

Right on.

- How are you feeling, buddy?

- What's your confidence level?

- I feel f***ing fantastic, Robb!

- Come on!

Are you ready for battle,

young warrior?

- Okay, get ready.

- Three, two, one, hit it!

What the f***, man?

F***in' neutral!

Smith, heights freak me

the f*** out, man!

I'm not sittin'

by the f***in' window!

It's okay, buddy,

you won't have to.

Okay, buddy,

get your helmet on!

- All right.

- I still don't know

What swearman has to do

with this shot?

Swearman's critical

to this shot!

Sorry.

The video's gotta be insane,

man, I've done this before!

It's gonna blow

your f***in' mind!

Smith, you cocksucker,

what the hell are doin'?!

Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!

Watch out for the f***in'-

Oh sh*t!

I got it, man,

this is f***in' awesome!

Get the f*** outta the way!

F***in' shepherds!

We're handing out key chains.

F*** off, shepherds!

I still can't believe

that orange-Headed f***

Was chucking key chains at me!

Stop think about carrot cock

and get back into this!

Carrot cock!

All right, okay,

I'm getting hit

by another wave.

Just settle

the f*** down!

Ahh!

F***! F***! F***!

F***! F***!

- What is that?

- What the f*** is that?!

F***!

F***!

Ahh!

Come on, swearman!

- F*** you, Smith!

- Just get me the f*** down!

You are gonna f***in' kill me!

He is not f***in' lookin' good!

Jesus Christ!

What the f*** was that?!

Smith, swearman just exploded,

man.

Is he okay?

I'm sorry!

Swearman!

That was f***ed up!

Oh, f***,

that feels better now!

Swearman, do a shout out!

F***! F***! F***! F***!

I'm not cleanin' this f***in'

mess though, Smith.

F***.

Swearman, you okay, buddy?!

Smith!

That was f***in' amazing!

I was flyin'!

It was awesome, man!

F***in' a! Oh my god!

I was f***in' flyin'!

I was f***in' flyin!

God, you stink!

Woo!

Ladies and gentlemen,

driver, John Paul Tremblay.

Navigator, Robb Wells,

With a time of two hours,

Six minutes,

twenty eight seconds.

That currently has them

in third place!

- Yeah!

- Yes!

Right the f*** on!

That was f***in' amazing, man.

That cocksucker'd be so proud

of you for today.

- Thanks, man.

- Awesome!

Boys, f***in' third place

already!

- Amazing!

- I know!

Swearman, the f***in' footage

looks incredible!

I'm f***in' starvin'!

You f***in' stink.

This is really comin' together,

boys.

Mike! You're being sued

by CNT?!

Why didn't you tell

me about this?!

What?

I got it under control.

Oh really?!

Because I would have never

gotten involved

If I knew

you were being sued!

Okay, he said he has it

under control.

It's not a f***in'

big deal!

The sponsors,

they're pulling the cars.

I'm sorry.

There's nothing I can do.

What the f***

are you talkin' about?!

That's the most ridiculous

f***in' thing I ever heard!

Are you surprised?

Really?

Sorry to do this, boys,

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