Swing State Page #4

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man crying, Ronnie?

Are you crying, Ronnie?

Do we have any Kleenex for

Ron, guys?

Can we get a runner out?

Rasputin, do you wanna send

a runner out to

get some Kleenex?

[laughing]

You want a little pillow?

You want a little blanket, Ron?

[laughing]

Yeah, you're right.

My life is a f***ing mess.

I split with my wife.

The bank will

foreclose my house.

[sniffing]

Well, Ron, I'll tell you what.

You have just been fernatized.

You have been fernatized, Ron.

Yes, Ron, take a deep breath

and smell the fresh chlorine

scented Republican air.

We're talking about Ann Alcott's

new book

A Brief History of Liars

From Hitler to Hilary.

I mean in a word,

amazing balls.

I'm glad you liked it.

Eleventh week as New York

Times bestseller list.

Your such a wunderbar writer.

I mean your pros so turgid,

your arguments so cleft.

And with a francophile

sense of language,

coupled with a healthy disdain

for French culture and their

people in general.

I mean this is just,

this is wonderful.

I should have had you write

my back cover, Charles.

Well, I'll be your back door

man anytime, Ann.

Such a lovely American.

You're great.

And, to my listeners,

listen I am so touched

by your support.

Grateful for your perspicacity.

I'm Charles Fern, ferning off.

You have something

really special here, Peter.

I think you are right, Ann.

You did a pretty good job,

today, Charles.

Oh, well, don't josher

josher, Peter Piper.

I have never known Peter

to josh, Fern.

You are a real talent.

Gosh, well, thank you,

that's very touching.

-That's lovely.

-Tell us, Mr. Fern.

-What are your future plans?

-My plans are plains.

I unfortunately have to swish

on back to Maine tomorrow.

Hmm...

Well, I have a better idea.

Why don't we all go to dinner?

Yes, we can't let Charles swish

back to Maine without dinner.

Well...

-I do like to nibble.

-All right, it's settled.

And, I know just the spot.

[phone line ringing]

-Hello?

-Hey, Neil, what's up?

How are you?

Oh, hey Adrienne, uh...

Hey, can you

put Ethan on, please?

Yeah, Ethan is not here.

Don't be a spineless, cowardly

liar like your roommate,

put him on, please?

-Hi, Adrienne.

-I just wanted to see what you

were doing for your birthday.

Oh, well I'm actually

gonna be playing

my air guitar now cause

my real guitar was stolen.

I have your guitar because it

was collateral for promises

that you made to me.

Why don't you come by tomorrow

and give me my guitar back

as my birthday present?

How about that?

Yeah, well, happy

birthday to you.

You can turn your phone

back on.

So, we've been talking.

And we've decided that we're

gonna make the Tom Fleischman

show, your show.

Now, think about this.

The Charles Fern show.

To be heard all over

the state of Washington.

Wow, well, what an honor,

Mr. Peter, thank you.

And yes, it is an honor

because if you do well here,

we're gonna take you national.

Wow, that's really tempting.

But, I've gotta, like I said,

I've gotta head home,

my pine tree farm

is ripe for syruping.

-But, I am really

excited about...

-Charlie, Charlie...

You're gonna be able to buy

all the Aunt Jemima you want.

Yes, and that's just

pancake batter.

If we take you national,

you're gonna get a starting

bonus of six figures.

And get to re-negotiate

your salary.

How does that sound, huh?

Well?

Well, I guess, that's,

that's, that is...

That is an offer that

Charles Fern cannot refuse.

Okay, that sounds...

Looks like everyone is here

and table is ready guys.

-Okay.

-Charles...

Welcome to the All

channel family.

Okay.

Ann tells me your quite

the talent, Charles, so where

are you from in Maine?

Oh, well, about a 100 miles

north of the Canadian border.

-North?

-South of our side.

Little bit of heaven from

your home state, huh?

Well, I have been craving a nice

piece of tail, Peter.

Well, I'm an Iowian and like

a Mainer, we know what a hard

day's work consists of.

Unlike Susan Davis, who wants

to give needles to the junkies.

And subsidize

drug rehabilitation.

Well, I think they should

buy their own drugs.

Could I have a Shirley temple

with some Jack Daniels in there?

Coming right up.

I'm getting us some olive oil.

Olive oil, are you serious,

madam?

It's my wife's first time.

She's a stylist.

We'll let it pass.

We'll let it pass.

I'm the reason why Ryan

looks so well put together.

So, Charles, can you show

me how a native would

eat this bird.

Right, well that's...

We have our customs

and where I come from,

it's very customary to use

your hand, so you just,

you pick her up.

[all exclaiming]

[stammering]

I guess this is how

we get to know each other.

-Indeed.

-Young man.

We have a little surprise

for you.

You get to interview

the great governor.

That's splendid.

Splendid indeed.

Indeed.

Ooh...

[humming]

[slow rock music playing]

[all] Surprise!

-Hey, guys.

-Hi!

Happy birthday!

I didn't have anything

to do with that.

All right, see you guys.

Woo.

Hey, guys.

Oh, my gosh. Look at how

pregnant you are.

I know, I'm huge.

Trevor was telling me about

the misadventures

of lamaze class.

So, Trevor and I are the only

ones in the group that can't

breathe in unison.

Well, I mean here is your free

education right here.

Julia is a nurse

and Jefferson is a doctor.

Cardiothoracic surgeon.

Nice to meet you both.

And I deal with heavy

breathing all the time.

You do?

Cool. How do you guys all

know each other?

Well, Ethan was actually

hired by my mother to do

a voice over.

Oh, who is your mother?

She is, um, Susan Davies.

-Our next governor.

-I am totally voting

for your mom.

You know if you need

any volunteers? Let me know.

I was also actually thinking

about volunteering.

That would be great.

We can use all the help

we can get.

So, thank you Ethan.

I was actually born

on the Gram Parsons tour bus.

Wow, your mom must

have been a big Gram Parsons

fan.

Yeah, you could say so.

Your show is it on AM or FM?

Uh, FM. 87.9 Seattle's finest.

Yeah.

Way down on the left

side of the dial.

-Yeah.

-It's hard to get in.

It's hard to get in

when you have a small

tiny receiver.

[laughing]

In my next life when I am

not saving lives, I am gonna

be a rock and roll DJ.

[laughs]

-Cool.

-Great.

[doorbell rings]

Good luck.

Talk to you in a second.

Neil.

-Its Jack with honor.

-Rouge?

Hey, what, are you

having a party?

Yeah.

-Birthday?

-Yeah.

Did you bring me some antlers

fresh from the kill?

Them antlers is mine.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

Well, hey, now you

got something to mount.

Neil, we need to talk.

What do you need to talk

to Neil about?

Holy sh*t. What is this?

A Turkish drug den?

Who put a stick up his ass?

Cindy, Steve,

let's take this outside.

-You all right, buddy?

-Yeah.

This is exactly how an innocent

marine fails a piss test.

Neil...

I got another call

from All channel.

About this Charles Fern.

Really?

Yeah, they said he's the new

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