Swing State Page #5

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voice of conservative talk

radio.

Who is this guy?

Yeah, Neil where did you

find the Michael Jordan

of chitchat?

He was a guest next door,

I don't know his life story.

Really? What's his number?

Well, you know, unfortunately

Rouge, he's gone.

He went back to Maine.

Ryan Pollard said that

they just hired him.

Really?

Mr. Holmes. Charles Fern

at your service.

Pleasure to make

your acquaintance.

[laughing]

-Howdy-doody.

-How do I look?

Wait a minute.

Tuna jerky here

is not Charles Fern.

You've just been fernatized.

[laughing]

Is this some kind of hoax?

You're not gonna keep

doing Tom's show.

What do you mean?

It's not a show anymore,

it's my show now.

You're not even from Maine.

Well, I attended a pottery

camp there one summer.

No, I'm not gonna just stand

here, while you fool everybody,

while Tom lays

paralyzed in a hospital bed.

Suit yourself, Crisco,

but Charles Fern

is a tribute to Tom, you know?

I'm elevating his message

to a higher level.

But, your not a conservative

on any level.

The new voice

of the right, right?

So, if you want to keep your

job, you better get

with the program.

If you try to get me fired,

we all get fired.

No, this can't be happening.

This is a bad dream.

Oh, man, that would be

weird, if we were all

having the same dream.

-Who goes there?

-Hey, it's Julia.

I'm looking for Ethan.

-Hey.

-Hey.

-What's going on?

-Nice jacket.

[laughs] Oh...

Sorry, we were just...

We were just catching up.

Jefferson got a page and had

to go back to the hospital,

so...

Yeah, I might take off

in a minute.

Can you just stay for a little

bit? Just stay for a little bit,

come on?

I'll get you home by

midnight, I promise.

Yeah, I guess I could stay

a little longer.

Okay, I'll be right out.

-Okay.

-Promise. I'll see you soon.

The nut is in your sack.

Got my daughter's student

loans to pay back.

The house is upside down.

What do you say, Rouge?

I guess the show must go on.

There you go. Right on, Reagan.

Come on, baby.

Let's get you a drink

and celebrate, huh?

Hey, I could use another drink.

Let's get him a drink.

It's really good to be home.

Yeah, sometimes I forget

how good we have it here.

Yeah, sometimes I think

we have it too good.

What does that mean?

You know all the sacrifices

we make to...

Get the things we think

we deserve,

you know, it's kind of

like that old commercial,

what would you do for

a Klondike bar?

[laughs] Yeah.

A Klondike bar.

Yeah, I kind of got some

bad news today though.

Really? What happened?

The hospital decided

to cut the funding

for the Alzheimer's theater.

Really? Why?

They decided to build a hair

restoration clinic.

Mmm...

Thick hair for thick people.

Pretty much.

I'm gonna ask my mom

for some help but,

they're gonna transfer

me to the pediatric ward.

That's really a shame.

It is.

Don't you have a girlfriend?

No. That's all over now.

I'm still not gonna

kiss you tonight.

Well, it's my birthday.

I mean...

But, that would mean

everything we just talked

about was small talk.

And, I don't really like the

way that makes me feel.

Well, we can kiss and talk

at the same time.

Stop your slobbering.

I'm just trying to kill

two birds with one stone.

Not tonight.

-But, happy birthday.

-Thanks.

My car is just

right there, so...

-I'm gonna take off.

-Okay.

Be safe.

-Goodnight, Ethan.

-Goodnight.

We'll haul a Tribune.

There you are.

We'll get you right in.

That takes care of both of

us, right?

See what did I tell you?

Okay, I just...

I always look out for you.

-Because remember in January...

-That was one time.

Yeah, but I got left outside.

I'm just trying to make

it really nice.

That's just not gonna work

for us today, okay.

We're gonna have to push.

Tell him I'll call him back.

Ready? We got a tight

day ahead of us.

Oh, yeah, absolutely ready.

The Charles Fern show.

All channel. ALL.

Yup, I got you right here.

-Okay, that should be that.

-You ever been fernatized?

If you don't mind I wanted

to show you some images

and get some impressions.

So, basically right here

we have Michael Ray Vallus.

It's a seven year old boy

who found his dad's gun

in the spring after you vetoed

the mandatory child locks.

That is indeed a tragedy.

Well, of course it is.

I don't suppose this

is a sneak attack.

And you probably don't

write for the Trib.

That's it, interview

is over, come on.

No, wait, you have nothing

to say about that.

Sure, I do, if you wanna have

an intelligent conversation

about gun laws, yeah.

Okay.

I did want to give you

this, this is from

his mother.

This is the hat that he

wore when he shot himself.

And she actually wanted

you to have it.

-Here you go.

-Okay.

That's enough. Enough, enough.

Come on.

You too, let's go.

Come on.

We'll just come back.

Have a nice day.

I'm sure, we'll be welcome.

Sorry about that.

Next interview is here.

It's a talk show host.

Charles Fern.

All right we're live in five,

four, three, two, one.

[recorded voice] Get ready

for two hours with the

mic from the right,

the messenger from Maine,

Mr. Charles Fern.

And this is the

Charles Fern show.

We're here live at the

governor's mansion

with governor Sollow himself,

governor what a blast.

So, good to have you here

Charles, I'm a huge fan.

How do we get our country

back to those foundation

republican principles?

I'm talking pre-maternity

leave, pre-bra burning.

You know the people

know what they know,

Charles, and once you get

outside of those

coffee houses of Seattle

I think you'll find most

of the people share our view

for a compassionate,

conservative,Washington state.

A lot of whore houses

are going on inside

of coffee shops these days.

-It's gotten out of hand.

-Another question?

The next question also Governor

now I'm gonna go right into

a hard question here.

Are there any republican bands

that do not suck?

What do you mean?

The left has Radiohead,

it's got Elton John,

you got Neil Young.

And in the right,

we're talking what,

Toby Keith and Ted Nugent.

We're really getting

crushed here

in the creative trenches.

-I see.. I get your point.

-Yeah.

I don't know, we don't

have an answer for that.

But, we do need a theme song.

You know Susan Davis already

has one.

"Looks like we made it",

Barry Manilow.

That's a Manilow hanging fruit.

Well, you got any suggestions?

Yeah, have you heard

of an old goth rock band

called Cat Rapes Dog?

Well, a bit too obscure.

What about Pink Houses

by John Mellencamp?

That's a good song.

That's subtle.

Isn't Mellencamp a democrat?

No, Mellencamp is more

of a independent.

When is the tour?

Are we gonna have a tour?

An official...

well?

I'll tell you what,

we'll do better than that.

We'll take you hunting.

All right, it's a beautiful

day, we got 500 acres

to roll, and...

You boys are gonna catch lunch.

-You bag her in Africa?

-Oh, no.

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