Swing State Page #6

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That was in Vegas.

Vegas?

-During one of the shows?

-Oh, please. After.

[GUN SHOT]

[groaning]

First shot of the season.

-It's a custom in Maine.

-Yeah, reload.

-I wanna see that again.

-Thank you.

Charles is more

of a semi-automatic kind

of guy. Precision tactical.

They never look like James Bond

They always look like this guy.

-Don't they?

-Exactly.

You know I grew up in Maine.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

Out there we hunt

moose with a machine gun.

Well, that doesn't sound

very sporting. Does it,

Charles?

Well, in Maine, you know

it's...

It's overrun right now

with moose.

But, you just get out

there and you go...

They got a whole flock.

-Good times?

-It's good times, yeah.

It sure is,

you know governor...

I'm getting over this,

it's a bout of this bird flu,

actually which has been

it is just plaguing

the land in Maine right now.

It's really wild, but I would,

I don't know if hunting

pheasant is really

in the doctor's orders.

Mmm-hmm. You rest your voice.

I'm gonna need you,

top shape for this election.

-Thank you governor.

-Thank you governor.

For your time.

And now a word from

our sponsor, glorious way

to start your day,

delectable and delightful

Doughglobe donut holes.

You can get it down

off the five in Hudson.

It's called Doughglobes,

folks, tell them Fern sent you.

Bought a house

And a second car

As my knuckles worked

The recess of the jar

Almonds in her eyes

I bet she's wandering around

That's my old love

Yeah I'm hip to the scene

and the score

It all went down before

360 degrees

Okay, we have our

winners in the studio.

Now what do you say

to three tickets to country

town radio's hometown hoedown.

We love the hoedown.

The hoedown is awesome.

So, who's he?

That guy?

He invented the donut hole.

What do you say we throw in

two dozen of these Doughglobes

with your tickets?

-Yummy.

-Thank you.

-Your welcome.

-Make sure you share

with Daddy.

I will.

I tell ya it's not the right

to bare feet, or, to bare naked

ladies,

it's the right to bear arms.

Our founding fathers

were packing heat.

It should be illegal not

to own a gun, don't you think?

You gotta dig

the founding wigs.

I'm curious to know what

do you think about building a

fence along our border, Charles?

Terrific idea. I'm also

proposing a reptilian moat

with steeples and turrets.

There is nothing like

staring down the barrel

of a canon to keep

the huddled masses huddled,

are you with me Jennifer?

You are using your air time

to whip up xenophobia.

Well, most of our listeners

are two syllable crowd,

okay, calm it down.

Most of your listeners

are small minded bigots.

And, you are their leader.

It's shameful.

I can't defend everyone

who listens to the show,

that would require

me to be omnipotent.

Which you a likely atheist

would not understand.

And yes, probably the AM crowd

has a couple of borderline

personality types

sitting alone in a dark house

eating TV dinners for breakfast

every morning.

And that would make anyone

a little paranoid,

don't you think?

I tell you what,

if they are a gun owner,

all bets are off.

But, if you think I'm gonna

let you sit here and attack

my maladjusted listeners

you are sorely mistaken.

[laughing]

Thank you for the call.

And now a little

sponsorship talk.

I'm talking about a little

place called Doughglobes.

Charles, I just got off

the phone with Peter Dennon

and All channel loves you.

All you need is love, Ryan.

-Charles Fern.

-Whose asking?

We're his official MILF

fan club.

We've been fernitized.

I need a selfie.

Well, okay, yeah,

get in there, okay.

Thank you for listening.

It's lovely to see such

lovely fans.

Thank you, thank you.

-Oh, that's good.

-Bye bye now.

All right, thank you.

-That was cool.

-Yeah, right?

[chattering]

Hi, I'd like to urge you

to vote for Susan Davis

on November 2nd.

[overlapping chatter]

Amazing, I really appreciate

your time and support.

Thank you.

Hold this photo

for the bio

in the front page.

Un-f***ing-believable.

I mean, honey, I'm willing

to match funding, but,

quarter of a million dollars

that's a lot of money for me

right now with the campaign.

Well, I mean we're already

off to a big start.

But, I honestly think it is

gonna help your campaign.

I mean just imagine,

Susan Davis asks

all of Seattle to match

her gift

to the Alzheimer's wing.

That's very generous of you.

Lucky for me the stock

market in this country

mostly goes up.

Is that how you got

successful, from the

stock market?

When I was young,

I saved my money.

I bought this commercial

real estate property and

renovated it, sold it.

And I took the profits

and put it in the market.

So, my first deal was

a winning deal and that

set me in motion.

I've done that about

a 100 times over now.

I think that's how you

get wealthy in America.

It's just this sort

of specialized duplication.

Yes, and of course you

have to have the education

and resources.

I mean my mother here,

she's an attorney and

an MBA.

Wow, swish, that's cool.

So, f***ing All channel has

syndicated this hawk Charles

Fern throughout the whole state.

-I mean where did this guy

come from?

-Who is this guy?

He's a replacement for

Tom Fleischman.

You heard about that show?

No.

Oh, it's a horrible show.

I don't think anyone

listens to that quack.

Oh, yeah they do

and the kid is a star.

His listeners hold on

to his every word like

it's Gospel.

He called you a lesbian

sympathizer.

Wait, what does that even mean?

It means your mom

isn't against gay marriage.

Well, yeah I mean your not.

Isn't that law.

Right. But, we don't want

to get dragged into those

trenches.

I've been listening to that

scumbag all morning.

-Ethan?

-What?

Why are you here?

Oh, I'm just volunteering.

Helping out with the phones.

Well, no one gives better

phone than you do.

Look, Adrienne I want you

to find every weed out

of this f***ing Fern.

-Done.

-Look, all I am saying is

that it is no coincidence

this guy is out here now.

I mean all those guys are

Bible thumpers at All Channel.

They imported this nutter

butter from Maine.

I need you to get him out.

-You'll see. Bye guys.

-Great.

Prelim figures from indicate

ratings for the fall book

are gonna be very strong.

I've never seen so many e-mails.

Mmm-hmm. And guess what?

I got the go ahead from Peter.

We're sending the Charles Fern

show on the road

following Sollow for the last

stretch of the election.

-On the road?

-Uh-huh.

Your boy is a phenom.

Well, this is my special place

for special people.

You are hereby sworn to secrecy.

I will take an oath of silence.

This is so beautiful.

[sighs] I don't know Julia,

I am just not who I appear

to be.

Are you in the closet?

Yeah. Are you in the closet?

No, but, I don't know...

I'm working for this other

radio station,

to make money on the side.

Okay so what?

You're playing music you don't

believe in, or, something?

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