Swing State Page #7

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Yeah, I'm playing music

I don't believe in.

I don't even know...

What I believe in right now.

You know I'm just...

I think you know

who to believe in.

That's why you feel

the way you do.

It's a conundrum.

Whatever problems you think

you have, Ethan, they

are manageable.

You are right,

you are absolutely right, Julia.

Last week Seattle's radio

personality Charles Fern

began a simple boycott

of Ridicule's music.

Tonight we join that boycott.

Here at the Vacuum

with our millions of cleaners

around the world,

we want to send a clear message

to those at Periscope records.

While we will never legislate

corporate ethics,

we will only support products

that reflect our values.

Thanks very much everybody.

I'm Bob Bernard, that's it

from me for today.

We'll see you tomorrow

and until the the vacuum

is sealed.

Wow.

The Charles Fern show is having

a cultural effect.

Guys, listen I am done

with Charles Fern.

What are you talking about?

I just can't do this anymore.

This is ridiculous.

Hey, don't start with

the sorry Charlie bullshit.

We're on a roll.

You can't quit now.

Look I'm seeing Ann Alcott

tonight and I' gonna get

liquored up

and I'll just tell her

that I am a fraud.

No, no, this is f***ing insane.

You, hey, Ethan.

You have a gift.

You are gifted.

-And this is your destiny.

-My destiny?

Hi. Hello, Ethan.

-Hi, Adrienne.

-So I head you started seeing

Julia Davis.

Okay.

I thought I'd be the first

to tell you that I am seeing

Woodrow.

-Your cameraman?

-No, cinematographer.

Well, I'm very happy

for you guys.

He's very, very, very caring.

And he's got something

you don't.

Integrity.

So, Neil do you know that

you work for a fascista?

-What?

-Charles Fern, that's what.

And I am here to get

the straight poop,

because there is no one

in Maine with that name.

Well, maybe it's a stage name.

Like Liberace, or, Mitt Romney.

Exactly.

And I think I found the

real Mccoy.

Charles Fernando.

Does that look like him?

You know the more I gaze,

yeah.

-Mexican dude.

-Fernando, yeah.

So, your boss is into

some really serious sh*t.

-Cocaine, hookers.

-Charles Fern is doing

cocaine?

No, Charles Fern is doing

hookers and selling cocaine.

So where do I find this Fern?

-I don't know, he's reclusive.

-Oh, is he? Well, I'll find him.

I'll find him faster than you

can say Osama Bin Laden.

Bye guys. Thank you.

Now, I outlined in

my new number one

New York times bestseller,

A brief history of liars

from Hitler to Hillary,

the methodology

in which

the liberal establishment

has invaded academia.

The truth is liberals

hate science.

They believe that humans

are equivalent to rodents.

Well, I am here to tell you

that American students

deserve more than

evolutionary dogma.

[applause]

But, Washington,

there is good news.

We have a new voice in town.

A fresh voice.

A voice that many of us believe

is going to lead our

party into greatness.

So, please with a very warm

welcome,

welcome Charles Fern.

[applause]

Gosh, you look gorgeous.

Isn't she gorgeous?

[students whistling]

Wow, what a good book, huh?

What a good read.

Pick it up.

Pick it up.

-And what a gorgeous

group of humans.

-Yes.

Gorgeous humans.

Well, listen, I've prepared

a little something.

They'll spit and spat.

They'll tell their tale.

Call Daddy chimp

and mommy whale.

They'll chirp and chime

and make their claim.

Mold of man is whence we came.

But, evolutionists be damned.

We're more than beasts,

by god, we're man.

And Darwin is a proven fool.

His theory merely cock

and bull.

[laughter]

So, free your body,

free your mind.

Embrace intelligent design.

[applause]

[cheering]

You know Ann there is

something very serious

I want to talk to you about.

Anything for you, Charles.

Essential oils,

I couldn't believe it.

Why don't we sit down first?

Can we sit over there,

actually?

Ricardo. Thank you.

Thank you.

I love this place.

Oh, yes, it's such a wonderful

place, I'm really

glad you picked it.

This has honestly been such

a lovely evening. Thank you for

an amazing dinner, Jefferson.

I'm so happy to have you back.

I missed you like crazy.

I missed you too.

Buonasera.

Hello, your Merlot,

Miss Alcott?

Yes, thank you, Phillipe.

And for the gentleman

in the fabulous jacket?

[laughs] Thank you.

You're so kind.

I'll have a Shirley Temple

with Jack Daniels please.

An excellent choice.

So, Charles, do you live

in a house or an

apartment in Maine.

Well, that's funny you ask...

It's actually a log cabin that

my grandfather built

with a pick ax and a hammer.

He built it all himself?

Well, he had the help of

a couple of small Chinese

railroad workers as well.

It's on the lake.

It's quite lovely.

Sounds stunning.

Like a Thomas Kinkade painting.

[both laughing]

Well, it is very Kinkadian.

Come on, Jules, I wanna

see the sights.

I suppose you've earned

a trip to my special place

but, you promise to behave

yourself.

Of course, no one denies

the man with the magic hands.

[laughing] Okay, come on,

let's go.

And for the beautiful lady,

the merlow.

And for the gentleman.

Your Shirley temple.

With Jack Daniels, like it?

-I'll give you a few minutes

with the menu.

-Thank you.

Well, to you Ann, a rare woman

of beauty, grace and integrity.

Thank you, Charles.

I want you to know Charles

that whatever it is,

you have it and it needs

to be shared with the world.

I think you are one

of the coolest people

I have ever met.

You are just the woman of

your word and that is rare.

I feel the same about you.

No, I am a student

and you are a professor.

Well, I am older.

But, you are very beautiful.

[chuckles]

I had a wonderful time

tonight, Charles.

Thank you.

Susan Davis lives in a glass

house enclosed in an

ivory tower

in the center

of emerald city.

All right, I have had enough

of that one, can you imagine

what kind of

girlfriend you would

make if you were raised

by that woman?

Tell you what, huh?

Well, anyway listen,

we're all very excited

on the fernization tour.

I'm Charles Fern.

Stay wealthy Washington.

Hey, Ethan, your ex

is at the door, she's got

a cameraman with her.

-Adrienne and Woody?

-Yeah, yeah.

Put on some of the meditation

music or something? You have

any of that?

Put on some... Do some

instruction video or something

like that.

-What?

-Stretch.

Deeper down, going

south, going south.

Oh, my God, what are you doing?

Rouge, I really actually...

I'm sick of that... I like the

choice of the Jeans, because,

It probably keeps your

inner thighs pretty warm.

What are you guys doing here?

This is the Charles Fern show.

Oh, no, not anymore

actually, that's over.

We use this space

for post show yoga.

You guys are really welcome

to join us in some yoga motion.

Actually we're good.

Cause Woody stretched

me out this morning.

Show him.

Wow, that's some details.

Actually I have something

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