Syrup Page #3

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"Marketing 101"

Man:

Hello. Hello?

Scat:

Good evening, Mr. Becker.

- Who's this?

- I have good news for you, Mr. Becker.

- And what would that be?

- You're the winner

of the Comtel

ring-in-the-savings draw,

entitling you to three big months

of our crystal-clear

long-distance service

at 20% off the regular low low price.

- Isn't that incredible?

- Yeah, I'm not interested in any...

And that's not all.

If you sign up for our dial-up

Internet access plan,

you can be surfing

at breakneck speeds

- for the jaw-dropping price of $19.99.

- [dial tone]

Do you have a credit card,

Mr. Becker?

- Life, it goes on...

- [foghorn blares]

When the light is on my side

Love reveals itself to me

Then I can

Yes, I can

[can clatters]

I can be set free

Every garden can grow

Every mouth can form a smile

So let yourself go

Ease your mind for a while

When you're tired

And you're torn

Humankind, it seems

filled with misery

Then you can

- Yes, you can...

- F***!

Mother:
Honey, I just saw

your drink this afternoon

in the soda machine

at the tennis club.

And Jenna--

you know Jenna,

Sophie's mother--

anyway, I overheard her

telling her friends

how she just loves a good Fukk.

I realized she was talking

about you! Your drink!

I'm just so proud of you.

Send Pete my love, honey,

and include him in

everything you're doing, huh?

We'll speak soon. Bye-bye.

Yes, I can

Yes, we can

We can be set free...

- Man:
A BLT.

- We can know peace

We can be set free.

Six:
Scat!

You look, um...

how are you?

Yeah, I'm good.

I'm great. Thank you.

Good. Good!

Very good.

- Fukk

- Hmm?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they're great.

They're...

they're fantastic. I-I...

I really like what you did

with the carbonation.

We put a disclaimer

on the bottom of the can.

Yeah, I saw that.

I... wondered

about how you might be doing.

[Chuckles]

I'm fantastic.

I mean...

you mean the trademark thing?

That's business, you know.

But I've got so much

going on, that...

it didn't...

How's it doing?

Number one energy drink

in the nation.

Wow, that's fantastic.

I mean congratulations.

That's huge.

Yeah.

It wasn't really me.

Hey, Six, let's go!

Pete's waiting.

He's got a big surprise for you.

Of course.

[Piano music playing]

- [hip-hop music playing]

- [woman singing]

Man:

Mr. Pete would like to firstly

thank everyone in this room

for all of their hard work

and determination

during the summer Fukk campaign.

Gentlemen, we are once again

projected at number one.

- [Cheers, applause]

- Man #2:
And well deserved.

Now, now...

Mr. Pete would like

to personally extend

his warmest congratulations

to Ms. Six.

After all, this was her baby.

But you can rest assured, Ms. Six,

with Pete fathering

the Fukk campaign from here on out,

- your baby is in good hands.

- [man laughs]

Hopefully, the Classic campaign

won't be too much work for you.

[laughter]

[slaps]

Scat

What was that?

My baby shower.

- You're not...

- No sh*t!

I've been taken off Fukk

and stuck babysitting Addy Classics.

- Why?

- Senior management loves Sneaky Pete.

Everyone else is terrified of him!

So I'm stuck implementing

a 15-year-old campaign.

F***ing men!

I'm replacing the campaign

with something better.

- Much better.

- What's that?

Ideas aren't my strength, Scat.

My strengths are development, management

and negotiation, which clearly

you don't have or else you'd be worth $2

million right now, wouldn't you?

You got another Fukk in you?

- Have I...?

- Right.

I shouldn't have asked.

I'm sure you're busy.

- So we'd be working together.

- Yes.

- Having lunch together.

- Possibly.

- Living together.

- Yeah-- no!

- Why would we be living together?

- I need a place to stay.

- I don't have furniture at my place.

- I'll loan you a mattress.

- The lease is almost up.

- This is only for five days.

- Why?

- If any new production is gonna make it

in time for summer,

they need it by the end of the week.

So you're asking me to come up

with an entire advertising campaign

- for Addy Classics in five days?

- No, that would be a waste of time.

I need you to come up with

an entire advertising campaign for Fukk.

I want to beat Pete.

C'mon, what's the worst

that could happen?

You don't think of anything

and go back to your...

other work.

My other...?

I'm definitely staying

at your place then.

I live in Times Square

with my girlfriend.

Tina doesn't like men...

at all.

Why are you smiling?

'Cause this is what it feels like

to be the guy you need.

You can have the sofa.

Not a bed.

- Pillows are subject to availability.

- Sure.

And you do not wander

into rooms, you knock.

Of course.

And most importantly...

you leave that toilet seat down.

I may not be able to control that.

- Then I hope you can hold it.

- It's instinctual.

I think a handshake is appropriate.

This is exciting.

I feel good about this.

Five days though?

Isn't that cutting it close?

Whatever.

We can probably stretch it.

Loose deadline, right?

You can do this.

I'll assign a team once you

get the hang of things,

relieve some of your... stress.

Kind of like you did on Fukk?

[Street noise]

[sighs]

[keys drop]

This is it.

[Distant siren]

Are you gonna say it?

- You're clearly not a lesbian.

- [sighs]

What?

We leave for work at 7:00.

I'll wake you at 6:00.

- Okay.

- Scat, that word.

Even outside of work?

- [Slams]

- There is no outside of work.

- [Plates break]

- Six:
Sh*t. Sh*t!

[Horns honking]

I made you breakfast.

Wow.

I never would have picked you

for a woman who would cook for a man.

Why not?

- Because of the sexism.

- Are you trying to be sensitive?

- I am sensitive.

- So, what, according to you,

women aren't allowed to cook for men?

Reversing the gender stereotype

doesn't eliminate it.

If you weren't sexist, you wouldn't

care I made you breakfast.

- All right.

- No no no, okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Thank you.

I appreciate it, Six.

You like them fluffy?

I made them fluffy.

- I love fluffy.

- Eat quick, we leave in 20.

[Silverware clatters]

Quicker.

Narrator:
In "Marketing 482:

Product Relatability,"

you learn to analyze love,

longing and desire

as if it were a tool to sell a product.

As far as we know, it's a stimulation

of the brain's ventral tegmental area

and caudate nucleus.

These areas are also involved

in major purchasing decisions,

so a lot of research is going

into how to trigger them directly,

with a fragrance, for example,

or a particular sequence of notes.

The ultimate goal,

of course, is a method

of making any given person

fall hopelessly in love

with any given product.

We haven't figured that out yet,

but... we're getting there.

We're getting there.

[Footsteps]

Signing in a sub-contractor.

Today.

Yeah.

[Elevator dinging]

[dings]

Six.

Woman:
Who the f*** told the band

we'd cover their mini-bar?

No, it's not f***ing all right.

It's not f***ing all right at all!

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