Syrup Page #7

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but a ton of astroturfing,

word-of-mouth,

seeding, black lemmings,

the works.

Once sales are solid,

we send a crate of product

to the 100 hottest

people in the country.

But not Average Kok.

We tell them,

"For you, we've got the real thing."

A personalized can

with their name

and their number on the back.

Now they're intrigued.

They see our invitation

to send one of their people to

a closed meeting at the Z2 warehouse.

And there, we explain how it works.

Ladies and gentlemen,

there are 100 numbered cans...

each linked to a specific celebrity.

For example,

the Hilton 88s.

Ms. Hilton is currently

in possession of the only 88s

in the world, outside of this company.

And we will not sell any

88s to anyone

unless they bring in an unopened 88.

That's a sign that Ms. Hilton

considers them worthy enough

to be seen with her product.

That person may then purchase

as many 88s as they'd like,

but no other number.

Here's the catch.

If someone brings us an 88

and we don't feel

they're Kok material,

or if our people see

someone in public

with an 88 we don't

feel is worthy of Kok,

we will terminate the 88s.

No exceptions. No appeals.

This product is image in a can.

We take image very seriously.

We take it as seriously as you take

the clients that you represent.

That's it, people.

Those of you who

brought cans can begin.

Scat:
As soon as word gets out

about this, sales of Average Kok

will free-fall, sure, but demand

for Celebrity Kok will soar,

driven by the implicit endorsement

of the world's top celebrities.

Now they won't be able to buy it,

but they'll be desperate for it.

And the real beauty of all of this

is what they want to buy--

it isn't the drink.

It's the marketing,

I mean, the image,

- something that didn't exist--

- Let me hold you up there a minute.

What does this product taste like?

- I'm sorry, what did you say?

- Scat:
Taste?

- Don't you think that's important?

- No no, I don't. Look,

this product could be sneakers or

t-shirts or glow-in-the-dark headbands.

It's not about the fluid, man.

It's about the image!

70% of what we perceive

as taste is psychological.

As long as this thing

tastes better than urine,

people are literally going

to convince themselves

- that they like it.

- Actually, people can believe

- they like the taste of urine.

- Really?

- We tested it once.

- Scat:
Sports drink?

We tested it once.

We didn't sell it.

Look, I can't explain it

any clearer than this,

the success of this product--

stop it!

The success of this product

depends on people being shallow,

superficial, self-obsessed,

greedy and desperate for attention.

This is the American dream

in a f***ing can.

- [Rap music playing]

- [man vocalizing]

[glass shatters]

[crashing]

[Six grunts, moans]

- [phones ringing]

- A 34 just showed up on eBay.

Find Roberts for me and tell him I need

a mark-up on Red Bull in Vancouver.

- Are you going to answer that?

- What's the 34, the Cruise?

The Jolie. Current bid's at $3,000.

Do not answer the phone like that again.

I saw you.

Don't look at me like that.

I have Ms. Barrymore's

people on the line.

- They're threatening to sue.

- She should have thought of that before

she started handing

them out at concerts.

- I saw a fat guy drinking one.

- We had no choice.

- Mr. Scat. Busy, very busy.

- Yes sir.

- I like that, there's just one thing.

- What's that, sir?

You're not selling very much product.

In fact, you're refusing to sell it.

Correct, sir.

That's why people want to buy it.

- But my stock options.

- Sir, do you realize

what would happen if we released Kok

to the general public now?

Sure, sales would be massive,

but all those celebrities

who basically built our brand,

they'd be humiliated.

It'd be like us saying

to the world, "Hey!

We just f***ed over

the world's top celebrities!"

- Man:
You're a genius.

- Scat:
Thank you, sir!

Rumor has it they're grooming him

to be the next VP.

Don't you have somewhere to be?

What?

Do you, um...

do you love all of this?

What sort of stupid question is that?

Six:
Do you?

Scat

I think I'm like that...

that kid who still

believed in Santa Claus

until some a**hole kid

told him that it didn't exist.

Six:

I am that a**hole kid, huh?

Scat

The verdict's still out.

[Huffs]

What sort of profound nonsense is that?

[Chimes]

We're about to go public.

Oh-- we're live.

[Truck horn blasts]

[applause]

Woman:

Mr. Scat? Mr. Scat? My name is Kit.

I don't know if you've ever considered

taking on a protg, but I would be...

- Great stuff.

- ...honored to follow you around

and watch everything you do.

I have requests for interviews

from print and TV and radio.

Also, I know you're

really busy right now,

but if you ever get lonely

or you just want to talk...

Man #2:

Okay okay okay.

- You'll love this, okay?

- Narrator:
In "Business 763:

Entrepreneurial Solutions

for Market Failure,"

you learn that once you make it

to the top, in any crisis that may arise

it then becomes your job

to reset perception

through corporate restructuring.

Man #2:
A young kid

committed suicide today in St. Louis.

Left a suicide note on the back

of a hand-drawn picture

of a Kok can,

with the number 17 and his name.

CNN is going live

at 8:
00 PM with the number 17

being "Damien White's lucky number."

It's obviously uncorroborated.

Okay yeah, the note says...

I don't want to know

what the note says.

No, I got it. It's right here.

It's right here.

"I love everybody.

I just wish I could have been cooler."

It's Pete.

The "I"s are all lower-cased.

Now that--

see, that's the sign of a depressive...

- I gotta call Six.

- Somebody that has a low opinion...

Don't call Six. Don't call Six.

The kid's dead, Scat.

We had our research department

fact check.

Okay? The mother's

already hired a lawyer.

We need you to go live with this

before the 8:
00 news. Okay?

We've arranged a pre-taped

CNBC interview.

You'll need to...

spin this.

You want me to spin the suicide?

That's what we pay you for.

We just want to come up

with an angle on this together.

We couldn't... bup bup bup.

You want me to fire someone?

[Mutters]

Yeah.

Who am I going to fire, Davidson?

It was my idea, it was my concept.

Yeah, it was a great concept.

That's not the issue.

Where's Six?

Davidson:
Personally,

I never had a connection.

There was no synergy, but I tried.

I think that'll be enough.

[line ringing]

Six, look, call me back, okay?

Um, don't go back to the office.

Just call me back and I'll come

meet you wherever.

- [Line ringing]

- [vibrating]

Six:
Yes, you'd be working

directly under me.

And you would have quite

a bit of creative freedom.

Um, it's just I'm very excited

about this opportunity.

What do you think that you can

bring to the next campaign?

Hey, Jen, hey, it's Scat.

Jen:
Where are you?

Jameson's looking for you.

Look, where's Six, Jen?

Where was her 2:
00?

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