Tag Page #3

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for this hour.

- Thanks, Doctor.

- You guys aren't taking my mental health seriously.

Look at those little a**holes.

- Calm down.

- It's awful to be back.

It's gonna be fun.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Ah! It still smells the same.

Uh... Here we go.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

All right!

Oh!

(GRUNTS)

CHILLI:

Okay, yeah.

- Oh, yeah, it's still there.

- Guys, we're back in the war room.

- You know what that means.

- No, I don't know what that means.

It means we're going to war, Sable.

Now, just to be clear,

we're not gonna tag Jerry at

the actual wedding ceremony

because, frankly, that would

make us giant a**holes.

I'm sorry. I thought that was

the whole point of this.

I took two weeks unpaid

vacation for that exact reason.

- Two weeks?

- Yeah.

I'm going zip-lining

after this.

Okay. There's gonna be plenty of

time to get him before the ceremony.

There's the rehearsal dinner.

There's a luncheon, photo shoot. Just

don't worry. We're gonna get him.

Very official plan. Who wants to

smoke some weed with me? Sable!

I'll take a toke.

What?

Yeah, I've been, you know,

experimenting with pot recently.

Mostly medicinal, but hey.

I've wanted to get high with

you my entire life, Hogan.

- Honestly.

- Let's do it.

- This is the best gift of all time.

- Okay.

This is exactly how I

imagined it, by the way.

(WHISPERS) Hoagie's mom.

I've got pizza rolls

for my pizza roll boys.

Pizza rolls.

(SIGHS)

Is that marijuana I smell?

(HOGAN SNORTS)

No. What?

It's my pot. I'm really sorry.

I was smoking pot.

It's an old habit.

Oh, so it's your weedie.

(CHUCKLES)

I think I'm getting

a contact high.

- Okay.

- Hits me deep.

Below the belt, you know.

I've got a belt upstairs.

I use it

on naughty little boys.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

What the f*** is going on?

I hope you don't hurt

those boys.

I don't mean to.

It was really nice

speaking with you.

- Thank you for the pizza rolls.

- Mom...

Stop flirting

with Chilli.

Linda, have you seen

Jerry lately?

I mean, do you still

play tennis with his mom?

Because we need to find him before

the wedding and we've got no clues.

I don't even talk to her.

I never see her at the club.

But I'm thrilled for Jerry.

Susan is such a nice girl.

- We just need the information.

- We need to find him. Yeah.

Have you taken the guys

over to the Sandpiper?

Lou does nothing but talk about

you and the old days and Jerry.

You know, I think he's lonely.

Okay, that's not helpful.

But it...

Oh, my God!

Lou knows everything

going on in this town.

Guys, we're going

to the Sandpiper.

I don't wanna go to the Sandpiper.

I'm having a great time here.

I miss this basement.

We don't have any more beer.

Let's go to Sandpiper.

Lou!

Gentlemen! And ladies.

How are you guys? Hey, we have

new summer stouts on draft.

Lou, we don't give a sh*t about summer

stouts. We're just looking for Jerry.

Ooh! I hate to be the bearer

of bad tidings, Anna,

but you are technically

still banned from here.

- HOGAN:
What? Still?

- What? It was dollar margarita night, Lou.

Hey, I don't make the rules.

F*** you, Lou.

You know something

about Jerry,

I can see it in your eyes,

you rat f***.

I don't know where Jerry is.

F*** you. Tell us.

I'm sorry, Lou. I'm so sorry.

How are you? How's your mom?

- Fantastic.

- Oh, that's good.

- Fit as a fiddle.

- Tell her I said hi.

- I will, for sure.

- And f*** you. I don't wanna be in this bar anyway.

- Okay, okay.

- We're gonna wait outside.

Look forward to catching up

with y'all.

Listen, I'll tell you everything

you need to know about Jerry

if you tag me just one time.

It is all I ask. I will spill.

Why can't I tag ya?

Because I'm not

officially in the game.

What's the good word, Lou?

We don't stop playing

'cause we grow old,

we grow old because

we stop playing.

You are not part of this game.

Benjamin Franklin.

- Lou.

- Yeah?

Where's Jerry?

I'm afraid I can't help

you out with that, boys.

- Really?

- Yeah, you see,

Jerry and I have struck

a little deal.

I say nothing

about his whereabouts,

and then I get to play

tag next year.

- Jerry made that deal with you?

- Oh, yeah.

And I am unbreakable, boys.

Cannot penetrate

this Iron Curtain.

The vault is closed.

Well, Lou,

that is a real shame

because I was gonna

introduce you to Rebecca,

who is writing an article about

tag for The Wall Street Journal.

- How cool is that?

- So cool.

Isn't that exciting?

Is there any way that Lou

could be in your article?

Oh, yeah.

Right? It's an interesting

angle, right?

Probably has to be a story

for that to happen, right?

What do you mean

there has to be a story?

I mean, no Jerry, no story.

You need Jerry for the story?

Could you imagine that thing

printed out here, framed?

- Hanging on the wall? With this guy?

- Yeah.

Which will get published

everywhere. Everyone will see.

- Nationally.

- Don't you wanna be in the article?

Yeah, dude. I would love to be

in an article.

Well, we're not gonna

break Fort Knox here.

F***, man. All right.

- I was really excited about that, too.

- Good to see you, buddy.

Look, look, look.

(SNIFFS)

My mom talked to his mom

and she said that the rehearsal is

at the Deer Creek Country Club.

- Deer Creek.

- There it is.

Anyways, the name is

Louis Seibert. That's S-E-I...

- I'll remember that. Thank you.

- She's got great memory.

Big Lou, thank you, buddy.

- CHILLI:
Yeah, you bet.

- Thank you, thank you.

ANNA:

Oh, hello, Miss Rollins?

This is Margaret from

the Deer Creek Country Club.

I'm just calling

to let you know,

we won't be able

to refund your deposit

since you canceled the rehearsal

on such short notice.

SUSAN:
What? Oh, my God.

JERRY:
I think you have a mistake here.

SUSAN:
We didn't

cancel the reception.

I'm afraid we have

unfortunately booked

something else

in that time slot now.

- A quinceanera.

- A quinceanera.

SUSAN:
A what?

JERRY:
The f***'s a quinceanera?

A celebration of womanhood.

It's a celebration

of womanhood.

JERRY:
This is bullshit.

SUSAN:
Oh, my God!

We're coming

to the club right now.

(TIRES SCREECH)

Hello?

Hello?

Hello, boys.

Who is it?

I am.

JERRY:
Callahan approaches

from the left.

Engage no contact protocol.

No hand shall touch my body.

(GRUNTS)

Mental note. Bob slapped

Hoagie with his hand.

Hoagie is now it.

Chilli. He dives at me

in a p*ssy-like fashion.

Poor planning. Poor execution.

(GRUNTS)

Piece of cake.

I head for the door to escape.

Sable blocks it.

It's showtime.

Hoagie has tagged Sable.

He is now fair game.

I speedbag him.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(LAUGHS CUNNINGLY)

Jerry! You okay?

Oh, I've never been better.

Welcome home, boys!

(JERRY LAUGHS)

Hey, who's this with ya?

Oh, this is Rebecca.

She's a reporter.

We're gonna be famous.

Did they mention that I haven't

been tagged in 30 years

'cause they suck at this game?

- Extensively.

- Never been tagged. Just saying.

BOB:
I can't believe you would rather

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