Tag Page #4

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not invite your closest friends

to your wedding,

than risk getting tagged.

Hey, Bob, look, you're here, ain't ya?

Right? I knew you'd come.

SUSAN:
Cookie, the

valet needs the keys.

Hi, baby. Come here, honey.

Come here.

We didn't invite you.

- Yeah. Sorry.

- Guys.

This is Susan,

my soon-to-be-bride.

- Hi. Nice to meet you, Susan.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- She'll explain why.

It's just...

I know it sounds really crazy.

Everyone on my mother's side

have had May weddings

and I didn't want

my wedding ruined over...

I mean, I swear,

I don't wanna be that woman

but I do feel like that woman is kind

of understandable in this situation.

Don't make excuses, baby.

You don't have to. Come on.

Look, I already broke

a f***ing window.

What are we

gonna do here, guys?

- Amendment.

- Amendment.

- Amendment. All right. Get in here.

- Truce. Truce, b*tches.

No tag at the rehearsal.

No tag at the luncheon.

No tag at the dinner, and do not

even mention tag at the ceremony.

HOGAN:

Ceremony.

- We got it.

- Thank you.

No way, I'm not signing this.

You're officially

re-not invited, how's that?

Okay, then fine. I'll crash

your f***ing wedding,

and I'll tag you as you try to

kiss your bride.

Hey, hey, hey.

Look, Susan.

You seem like a lovely person,

and I'm sure

this will all be fine.

We just need to formalize it, something

we've been doing a long time, and, uh...

Sign it.

What the...

No mention of tag is...

- Ridiculous.

- It's unreasonable.

Thank you, guys.

Here.

All right, boys.

- All right.

- So good to see you, Bob.

You know what? Don't touch

me, when we're on a truce.

- It's very patronizing.

- Yeah, it's a little weird for me, too.

Well, it was really nice

meeting everyone

and I look forward to getting to

know you guys better this weekend.

I don't know, I've just dreamt about

this day my whole life, so...

- Congrats, Susan. We're happy for ya.

- It's gonna be great.

- Thank you.

- It's really good to see you, boys.

Cheers.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Six tequilas, please.

- To Jerry.

- Wait.

So, boys, how did it go?

- Not good.

- So bad.

So, so bad. (CHUCKLES)

Did you guys just sign away

your chance to tag him?

Yeah, but we're still okay, because

non-wedding times are fair game.

We just gotta find

the right window.

- What happened?

- He kicked our ass.

- Well, technically, he punched my ass.

- BOB:
Punched your ass.

- Repeatedly.

- Hard.

Well, according to the bylaws,

that is highly illegal.

Except he didn't hit

my a**hole

so it's legal.

Okay, what are you

talking about?

Here.

Page...

Yes! Right there.

No a**hole punching.

Why would you play a game where

you're constantly punched in the ass?

- Fair question, Rebecca.

- Beep. I'll take this.

Tag is more than a game.

It's a way of life.

No, buddy.

That's exactly right.

You nailed it.

Facial disgracial.

Okay, Lou, thank you.

We'll take it from here.

But he's exactly right.

It's so much more

than a game.

Say I'm LeVar Burton.

Say I'm LeVar Burton.

HOGAN:
I was there when

Sable lost his virginity.

God damn it, Hoagie!

I was almost finished!

Get over here!

And Callahan was there when

Anna and I had our first child.

Congratulations, buddy.

You're it.

Doing great, Anna.

And all the guys were there

for me when my father died.

I think your dad would have

really wanted you to be...

Dead.

In this moment.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

This game, it's given us a reason to be

in each other's lives all these years.

The last it from each season

will live in shame for one year.

So what happens if you lose?

- You lose.

- You're it.

- What does the winner get?

- There are no winners.

Just not losers.

Listen,

I would love to sit here

and deconstruct the spirit of

competition with everyone,

but Jerry's still on the loose

and we got to get him

where it hurts.

- Not in the a**hole.

- Not in the a**hole. Obviously.

Oh! Guys,

let's go to his house.

He wouldn't be at his house.

It's too obvious.

Yeah, it's too obvious, so he's

gonna be there. This is Jerry.

Maybe it's so obvious that it's not

obvious that he will be there.

- So he's at the house.

- He's not gonna be there.

If he's there, then it'll be

obvious for him to be there

so he wouldn't be there

because he would think

that we would automatically

come there, obviously.

- What?

- You know what? One way to find out.

- Let's go.

- It'll be obvious to...

HOGAN:
Come on!

It's locked.

What do you see?

It's nice.

There's lot of attention to

detail but not too overdone.

Well, can you just unlock it?

REBECCA:

This is breaking and entering.

BOB:
No, it doesn't count

if you know the person.

(WHISPERS) That is not true.

"Did you guys really think

I would be home?"

Feels like a trap.

All right, let's split up,

we'll cover more ground.

- No, that's a terrible idea.

- SABLE:
He'll never expect it.

Now help me out

of the door, please.

Jerry!

(WHISPERS)

He's gotta be here.

(CENSOR BEEPS)

Have you ever even

been here before?

(SABLE SHUSHES)

Ohh!

Deviled eggs.

Delicious. These go fast.

SABLE:
What the f***?

Oh, man.

Whoa.

Jerry got chloroform?

What the f***?

He has stepped it up.

Aerial maps of the city.

Bunch of blueprints.

Five different hats? Wow.

People change.

(BEEP)

Did you...

I didn't do anything.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Who is that

scampering around my house?

Hello, boys, did you

really think I'd go home?

- You idiots.

- I knew it.

- It's too obvious.

- Yep.

I mean, that's just

a lucky guess.

Okay, Jerry, where are you?

You know,

seeing you guys tonight

made me wanna take

a walk down memory lane.

- Ta-da!

- Is that your...

That's my bedroom.

You're at my parents' house.

Why are you at

my parents' house?

It's a little smaller

than I remember.

You broke into my house!

We broke into his house.

Yeah, we broke

into your house.

Hey, hey!

Look who I found, Hoag.

Hoag! Hoagie,

I miss you so much!

What are you doing

with Mr. Stubbles?

This little guy got you through a

lot of troubles in life, didn't he?

All right, Jerry.

(JERRY LAUGHS)

Let's see where this one goes.

Mr. Stubbles has something to say.

What was that?

He says that his skin's very dry.

It needs to be moisturized.

Jerry, put down Mr. Stubbles.

So help me God.

What's happening here?

I think he's about to masturbate

in Hoagie's childhood bedroom.

Oh, no.

It's the ultimate act

of dominance.

I'm gonna stay here

until you come.

Unless I come first.

You sly dog.

- HOGAN:
Go! Go! Go!

- Did you get him?

- HOGAN:
Start the car!

- Started it. I started it.

Everybody put their

seat belts on.

Go! Go! Go!

Everybody in.

ANNA:
Is everybody in?

This is gonna be nice and smooth, Mr.

Stubbies.

This isn't gonna hurt

whatsoever.

Stay put. We're coming for you.

We're coming for you.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Yeah, but hurry up!

Daddy, hurry up!

Mr. Stubbles is not into you.

He can't be into you.

He's not a sexual being, okay?

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