Tag Page #5

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So put him down!

(JERRY LAUGHS)

Hey, team.

Jerry, how are you

in my room right now?

We're all in my room.

No, of course I'm not there.

I'm here. In my basement.

Where are you guys?

HOGAN:

Are you f***ing kidding me?

He built a replica of your

bedroom in his basement?

Good night, gentlemen.

(SIGHS)

Amateurs.

Let's begin. Um...

So, kind of a rough start.

That was pretty standard,

actually.

Yeah, Jerry's extreme.

The masturbation was fake,

but the pleasure was real.

I mean, I've said it before, but

we're not gonna tag him because,

you know, he's better

at tag than us.

I'm obviously going to be

the one that tags Jerry.

I've been working with

this Japanese guy. Sensei.

He knows zero karate.

He doesn't know karate.

He's claiming to know karate?

He doesn't know karate.

I don't think he knows karate.

Well, then, what does he call it when I

roundhouse kicked him in 10th grade?

Callahan and Chilli did get in a huge

fight sophomore year of high school

and Callahan did... Just tag Chilli

with a beautiful roundhouse kick.

But in Chilli's defense,

when Callahan kicked him...

He sh*t in his pants!

Yeah, okay,

that never happened.

And it's nice to actually get an

opportunity to address it directly.

By all means. I'm all ears.

I mean, I was very sweaty.

It was warm out.

Well, the sweaty ass defense? He's

been banging that drum for years.

Hottest October on record,

if I recall. Look it up.

Wall Street Journal,

you have fact checkers

- for this exact scenario, right?

- Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

While you're at it, can you have

the fact checkers look into

if The Maury Povich Show

is staged?

'Cause it feels staged

but he swears it's not staged.

But they do the exact

same thing every time.

What?

- (CANS CLATTER)

- (SIGHS)

(SNORING)

(WHISPERS) Sable, I know where

Jerry's gonna be. I need the tag.

Okay.

Yeah. Just picked up the tux.

All right, see you soon, babe.

Hey, Rob, how're you doing, bud?

Good to see you.

You, too, man.

Gloria, ma'am.

- BOY:
My balloon!

- Whoa!

Hey.

This must be yours, buddy.

- Thanks, mister.

- Look at that.

You gonna eat

that whole thing?

You know what? You should

consider some alternative snacks.

Keeping fitness fun, buddy.

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMEN OVER PA)

(SQUEAKING)

Oh!

Excuse me, ma'am.

You dropped your...

JERRY:
Men's athletic

crossover-style boot

size nine and a half.

Suggests a man

that is neither fashionable

nor athletic.

Hoagie.

Little does Hoagie know,

I've been teaching a women's

self-defense boot camp for six years.

First defense 101.

Class is in session.

(GRUNTS)

Holy sh*t!

(HOGAN GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

(HOGAN YELLS)

- You're done, Hoagie.

- Never!

You're done.

Never!

(GROWLS)

All right, I'm done.

(JERRY LAUGHS)

Dude, you look amazing,

by the way.

You've really upped your game!

How'd you know

I was gonna be here?

A-ha! Surprised you, right?

I saw the pick-up ticket

for your tailor

when we broke into your house

the other night.

- Impressive.

- I'm taking you down, Jerry.

Well, we both know

that's never gonna happen.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Coming through. Excuse me.

Oh, boy. Cavalry's coming in.

Hey, Jerry.

This old lady bothering you?

I'm good, Marvin. Thanks, man.

Everything's all right.

It's just a friend of mine.

Hey, it's good to see you.

Looking good, brother.

- My man.

- Yeah, staying in shape.

What the f***?

All right, well, maybe I'll

call the police. All right?

This is assault. You willing

to go to jail for this?

You're goddamn right, I am.

Okay, then, maybe I will cause a

big scene and get arrested also.

Then, once we both

get to jail, I'll just...

What? Bribe a guard?

Be put in my cell? I figured you'd

say that. It's pretty obvious.

Hoag, you have to realize

that's gonna take hours,

during which time

I'll have fashioned a shiv

from my toothbrush and used

it to murder my cellmate.

You'd just shiv your cellmate?

Don't worry, he's a bad person

who's done terrible things.

So justice is served.

- Okay.

- It gets me thrown in solitary confinement,

which is what I want. Out of reach.

Completely untaggable.

Damn, you have thought

this through.

Pretty good, right?

Look, understand two things,

Hoagie.

First, you're not gonna

screw up this wedding. Okay?

And secondly, I will never

let you tag me.

You're gonna die before that ever happens.

You understand that, right?

I don't fear death, Jerry. And

I'm not gonna give this up.

Till I die.

Okay. Good luck.

See you at the rehearsal,

Jerry.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(HOGAN GRUNTS)

These hushpuppies are insane.

All right, listen.

T-minus 34 minutes

until this rehearsal dinner is

over, and Jerry's fair game.

There's four of us,

there's four exits.

Let's fan out

and trap this rat.

Okay?

- I don't know how to do that.

- I don't wear a watch.

Time is a construct.

Okay, uh... 5:
00.

Could have said

that at the beginning.

Well, we said it now.

- 5:
00, how hard is that?

- 5:
00, yeah, it's easy.

- Hi, guys. How are you?

- How are ya?

Sorry about the other night.

Yeah, that wasn't cool.

No. I mean, listen,

I know it's not just you guys.

I mean, Jerry's worse

than all of you.

He's very competitive.

When we were kids,

we had a contest to see

who could hold their breath

for the longest underwater.

He almost died.

He won, but at what cost?

Really?

I hope he's this competitive

when it comes to being a father.

Are you pregnant?

- Really?

- Yeah, that's why the Shirley Temple.

- Oh, my gosh!

- I know.

- Here, cheers!

- Congratulations, that's great!

- Cheers, thank you!

- Oh, my gosh!

- That's such good news.

- Yeah.

- We're not telling that many people.

- Okay.

Listen, I know

it's gonna get a little wacky

- over the next couple of days with you guys.

- Sure, the f*** is...

Okay?

Just don't go too far.

And, go out there and play golf.

It's amazing. Do something fun.

- Okay? Bye, guys.

- See ya.

I like her. She has

a beautiful personality.

Very effervescent.

Good energy.

Don't believe a word

she f***ing says.

She's a hired hand.

She's an actress.

- What?

- I mean, look at this son of a b*tch.

- This is Colonel Sanders in the flesh.

- That's, like, her uncle.

- It's the f***ing Truman Show.

- Will you stop?

The whole thing. Jerry set it up.

I guarantee it.

Every single person here

has been hired.

You have gotta calm down.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

I'm his wife.

(STAMMERS)

Jerry, is that Cheryl Deakins?

Ah! Yeah. Good.

Hey!

- You invited her?

- Yeah, of course.

What? We're all old friends.

- Makes sense.

- I'm not buying this.

Is that, uh...

BOB:
Cheryl Deakins.

- You know she was coming, Bob?

- I did not.

- I didn't either.

- She looks good.

- Great. She always does.

- Yeah.

CHILLI:
Wow!

Who is Cheryl Deakins?

Is she like the Yoko

or something?

I don't get that reference

but she's someone

whose presence causes

strain on our group.

We've known her since

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