Talk Radio Page #4

This is too important. I'm not gonna jump|through hoops tonight just because of this...

Please,|tell him to put it on.

Yeah, Debbie, look,|you should see the shape I'm in.

I mean, nothing a good plastic surgeon|or a glass of cyanide wouldn't fix.

I mean, you're young. You got|your whole life ahead of you.

Why don't I go anywhere?

Well, you gotta|stand up first.

I mean, every journey|begins with a single step.

You gotta go for it,|pumpkin.

Me and Linda used to go out,|but she moved to Houston.

Yeah- Heh!|Listen, Debbie, Debbie.

You got two arms and two legs? Yeah.

Are you blind?|No.

You got a belly button?|Yeah.

Two belly buttons?|No, I got one.

Are you sure?|Have you looked lately?

Yeah. I got one.|You're gonna be fine.

You're gonna be just fine.

And we have... Chet from|Mesquite on the line. Chet?

So now everyone in the country|can hear your big mouth flap.

Chet, so nice|to hear from you again.

Shouldn't you be out burning|crosses or molesting children?

I'd rather be talking to you.|How about training pit bulls?

Think you're so smart.

You get the package|I sent down to the station?

Package?

You got it, I know you did.|You sent me a present?

I couldn't decide whether|to use a timer or not.

You'll have to find that out|when you open it.

You're telling me|you sent me a bomb in the mail?

Wrapped in brown paper. I know|you're lookin' at it right now.

You just take some C-4,

roll it in a pile of nuts and bolts|and pebbles, and it does the job.

Sounds interesting, Chet.|I didn't receive your package.

Sure you sent it to the|right address? You got it.

If I were you, I'd have my pretty|assistant give the police a call.

Take the bomb squad|ten minutes to get there.

Why should I call|the bomb squad, Chet?

Because some pinheaded redneck moron|tells me there's a bomb in my mail?

He who laughs last...

Shut up!

Night Talk.|Denise, you're on.

I'm scared, Barry. What|are you scared of, babe?

Nothin' specifically,|but on the other hand...

it's like everywhere I go...

Mm-hmm. Yeah?

Barry, you know,|we've got...

a garbage disposal in our|kitchen sink. Yeah, it's fine.

Tell Dan my mail|is my business.

This is not funny. You tell|Dan my mail is my business.

You know how that feels when you have|to reach down there into that gook...

and put your hand around?

Who knows what|could be down there?

Dan, I hope you're not calling the cops.|If you are, I'm gonna get really pissed off.

Get off the phone|or I walk.

There's germs you can't even|see. Don't waste my time, man.

Hang it or I walk!|They grow there.

Hang it up! They come back up the pipes.

- Salmonella, yeast, cancer, even|the common cold. Who knows?

But, Barry, even without|all of that, what if...

and I'm just sayin'|what if...

what if that disposal came on|while your hand was down there?

And it goes around and around|- Denise, tell me something.

You're telling me that you're afraid of the|garbage disposal in your mother's kitchen?

Well, it's not just|the garbage disposal.

I like things|to be clean, Barry.

How often does|this happen?

Couple times since|I've been here.

Like the houses on our street. Used|to be we knew who lived on our street.

But that was years ago. Now all|different kinds of people live here...

foreigners,|people with accents.

Are they sanitary? Why|don't you ask one of them?

That would be a nice idea to|just go to somebody's house...

and knock on their door,

but what if a serial murderer|lived there?

What if Ted Bundy|lived there?

What if he was sittin' inside watchin'|television, and I came to the door?

"Why, you just come right on|in here, Denise, " he'd say.

That's why I don't go to|strange people's houses anymore.

I keep the doors locked at all times,|but that's not gonna solve anything.

You're not gonna stop a plane from|crashin' onto your house, are you?

No. The mailman brings|me unsolicited mail.

The postage stamp could've been|licked by somebody with AIDS.

My mother's a threat to my life|just by persistin' to go out there.

- Out where? Where does your mother go?|- Barry...

Barry, did you know there's this|terrible dust storm in California?

It has these fungus spores|in it, and these spores...

get into people's lungs|and their bloodstream...

and it grows,|and then it kills them.

Strange air.|Strange air, Barry.

Oh, I hear my mother's key|in the door.

Strange air.|Well, uh...

That about wraps up another thrilling|episode with the man you love to love.

Gotta go home now,|take care of the goldfish.

Stay tuned, 'cause Monday's when|Night Talk begins national syndication,

allowing the good folks of Dallas|to have verbal intercourse...

with the rest of the U.S.A.

But don't go away yet.

If you've got any psychological|problems or you're just plain suicidal,

Dr. Sheila Fleming is here, and she'll|be glad to give you some dubious advice.

Or if you're just a level headed, happy,|normal person, you can turn the radio off.

Until Monday, this is Barry|Champlaign reminding you that...

sticks and stones can break your|bones, but words cause permanent damage.

# Bad to the bone|B- B-B-B-Bad #

It's time to strap him up and wheel|him away for his weekend therapy.

But Barry Champlaign will be back|with more Night Talk Monday...

on KGAB, Dallas.

Barry, my man.|What's happenin'?

The coach is here. You're gonna say|a few words and then give him the cup,

and then he's gonna talk. Yeah.

Now, you're gonna be|introduced by Mel in the booth.

Got it.|You hear the show last night?

A great show.|Great show.

Listen, I never got that autographed|picture that you promised...

so I can hang it|in my restaurant.

You were supposed to send it over|three weeks ago. It slipped my mind.

Slipped your mind? What mind? What|could be more important than that Dino?

I'll send it over first thing|tomorrow. Don't go to any trouble.

No trouble.|Where is he?

There he is.

Stick around. You are the|greatest, Barry! All right.

See you.|See you later.

He's a great guy, huh? Of course he is.

He thinks you're God.|What bit you in the ass?

You're pissed' cause I tell you to get|a picture for the guy, which is your job.

I'm pissed because you haven't said two|words to me all week except to boss me around.

We work together. That's the deal.|I'm the boss. I boss you around.

It's more than that. It's like you're|always angry with me. Excuse me.

You're Barry Champlaign,|aren't you? Yeah.

Can I have an autograph?|Thanks. Sure thing.

Hi.|Hi.

Here you go.|Thanks a lot.

I love your show.

Okay, see you later.

Back in the cage.

I used to listen to your show|when I was in high school.

I'm supposed to be doing my homework, and|- Barry?

You wanna make it out|to Joe Bob, please? Sure.

You should have called. I would|have come and tucked you in.

Thanks, Barry.|God bless.

God bless you,|Joe Bob.

The show going national is|important. Let's work together.

Just be a little more careful|around this guy Dietz.

This is a big thing,|Barry.

Right. I'm not greasing|my way up a pole.

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