Talk Radio Page #6

I mean, you're here. That's all I|- I'm happy that you're here.

I- I don't know- I have to|go at the end of the day...

or tomorrow...

and I can't keep coming|back and forth.

I- You know,|you've got success.

You know, the most important thing is,|you've got to start loving yourself.

You got that. You are good.|You are wonderful.

Now, feel it and know|you have to have a life.

Find someone with a soul. Mm-hmm.

Don't just fall in love|with some girl's body.

I mean, you do like a|girl's body, didn't you?

The only problem was I got|caught. Yeah, what can you do?

Maybe you should've stayed|at your mom's that day.

Tony, keep the taper nice|and tight around the waist.

Judge wants to look hot|for his old lady.

Don't you think these lapels are|too much for an awards ceremony?

Judge, everyone's gonna be wearing|these lapels by this time next year.

Wait and see. You need|a shirt to go with that.

What do you think about|that referendum coming up?

I was gonna ask you the|same question. Perfect.

Throwin' this in free of charge. Gift|from me and Teddy. Very kind of you.

Judge, you bring out the|woman in me. You're gorgeous.

Hey, good-looking.

Tony, why don't you show the|judge back to the dressing rooms.

I'll just take this|up for you. Thank you.

Been out shopping? Buy any|see-through undies? Uh-huh.

I thought we'd have|lunch together.

Love to, babe.|Having lunch with the judge.

He's gonna help me out with that|zoning variance for the nightclub.

Okay, work's important.|What about dinner?

I can't.|Moe Thompson's stag party.

City Council president.|Come on.

Make sure there are no women. Hey.

Tomorrow night, you and me, dinner,|just the two of us. The Caprice?

Promise? Flowers? Mariachi|bands? I promise. Tablecloths.

Barry.|Music. What, Vince?

Someone you gotta meet. Guess who|this is. Go ahead, guess. What, Vince?

I have no idea.|Your Cousin Al.

No. What a joker.|Jeff, say something.

What is this, performing seal|time? Cut another caller off.

You're history. Ptt!|You're on Talk of the Town.

You're Jeff Fisher.

In my store. I can't believe it.|I listen to your show all the time.

You're great, man. You look|different than I thought.

You thought I'd be 6'2", in spurs? Yeah.

This is my wife, Ellen.|Nice to meet you.

- Yeah, the craziest people|call in that show.

I think of calling|myself sometimes.

You're too shy, right?|I can tell.

Don't I listen all the|time? He thinks you're God.

Thank you, sir. Wish we had|your picture. We could put it up.

I'll send you one.|You've got quite a voice.

Voice?|You ever do radio?

I've thought of doing some|radio. Only came in for a second.

I gotta run. Listen, Vince,|send the jacket to my home.

- Uh- Uh- What's your name?|- Barry. Barry Golden. Yeah.

Anytime you're in the|neighborhood, stop by the station.

Love to show you around, let you|say a couple of words, Yeah, sure.

sell some suits,|plug the store.

My secretary'll send the picture. Don't|forget the sleeves. Nice meeting you.

Bye-bye!|Bye!

The topic is|fantasy love affairs.

Who would you like to have|a love affair with?

We're here with our good friend,|Barry. What's your name this week?

Barry Champlaign, man. Barry|Champlaign, man, is here,

and he has said "his wife." Mm-hmm.

These are supposed to be|famous people,

unless your wife's gotten around|a lot more than I think she has.

Come on. Your wife's|not listening, okay?

Who would you really like to|get up close and personal with?

Marie Osmond, I think, is very|sexy. That's one for Marie Osmond.

In black leather, yeah.|The studio fish is blushing.

She is sex incarnate, man.|She's a Mormon, isn't she?

Mormons believe in bigamy. Marie,|I want to marry you right now.

Come down to the station.|I want you, Marie.

Okay! We'll take another caller.|Yeah, you're on Talk of the Town.

Yeah, you know what I think? You|two are a couple of liberal pinkos.

That's what I think. Are you|two homos? Is that what you are?

You know what you are,|my friend, you are history.

Wait.|The caller has a point.

It's true, sir, indeed,|Jeff Fisher and I are lovers.

Have been for the last 15 years. In|fact, we're holding hands right now.

Probably n*gger lovers too.|Yeah, what race are you, sir?

I'm white,|and I'm proud of it.

As one white man to another,|let me ask you a question.

Do you know how much white Americans|spend every year on suntan lotion?

$165 million!

That's a lot of money to spend|just to turn brown.

You know why they wanna turn|brown? Jeff, do you know why?

Let's take another caller.|This is an interesting question.

They wanna turn brown because|they secretly want to be black.

You know why they wanna be black?|These and other questions...

Because they feel|sexually inferior.

You're a smart-mouth homo.|That's what you are.

Okay, okay.|You're an inbred throwback...

Ha-hoo! It's a Texas rodeo, yes|indeed. We'll hose 'em down...

and be right back|after this commercial break.

When I say "cut, "|you stop talking.

We've been through this before.|You're fun and the audience likes you,

but I'm not gonna lose|my license over this sh*t.

Why would you lose|your license?

It's called Standards and Prac|- Jeff, pick up seven.

Thank you. Standards and Practices.|You ever heard of it? Yeah?

Oh, he's funny, yeah.

Yeah, right, yeah, sure.

Sells suits.

Tomorrow at 10:
00?

I'll ask him.|Hold on.

Can you come in tomorrow|morning, meet the boss at 10:00?

- What for?|What I would do is...

have a swimming pool|and a sauna...

Boring. Come on,|you could do better than that.

Line four. Nancy, what would|you do with a million bucks?

Barry,|I just love your show.

Send me your measurements and a nude|photograph, and I'll get back to you.

Line one, Frank in Grapevine.|Yeah, Frank?

I'm a Chicano-|Good for you. I'm a Jew.

Now, this is serious, dude.|Wrong show.

Look, Stu, I don't think we've had a decent|answer to this question all night long.

Now, come on, people,|you gotta give me a good answer,

Yeah, hold on.|or I'm gonna punish ya.

Okay, let's go to...

Let's go to|- Here, talk to Barry. Come on. Talk to Barry.

Line one, you're on. Say something,|anything. Ready? Say something.

Say something. Uh,|yeah, this is Cheryl Ann.

What are you gonna do with|a million bucks, Cheryl Ann?

If I had a million bucks, I would|buy my own radio transmitter...

and start my own|talk show,

so I wouldn't have to listen|to your voice.

If you hate my voice so much,|why don't you change the station?

I can't.|Why not.

I'm in prison, and the warden|picks the shows we listen to.

Good. You're Iying. You love my voice.

I hate your voice.|You love my voice.

It's a love-hate situation. You|can't get enough of my voice.

Come on. Admit it.|You're full of it!

If you don't love my voice,|then hang up. Come on. Hang up.

You love me. Come on.|Hang up. Hang up!

I hate you,|Barry Champlaign!

Beautiful. I love it.

Not good enough. Folks,|you let me down once again.

For that,|you must be punished.

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