Telling the Story of Us Page #5

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So if I'm in Belgium, and I order

a Belgian waffle, I just say waffle?

Like if you were in Ireland

and you wanted Irish stew...

...you'd just say stew.

If you're in China and

you want Chinese food...

...you say, "Bring on the food."

We couldn't help but overhear

your delightful repartee.

We're the Kirbys from Cleveland.

And you are...?

-The Mansons.

-From Spawn Ranch.

That's a good one.

Look, sweetie. There.

The red cape.

I like that.

It's you...

...people.

-The Kirbys from Cleveland.

-Joanie and Eddie.

How could we forget?

We haven't stopped talking about you.

This is fate. We have to

get together, break bread.

Sounds great.

We're at the Hotel Pasta e Fagioli.

You call us.

We're at the Europa Regina.

Great. We'll call you.

Oh, right on!

Look at this.

-This is beautiful.

-This way.

-Thank you.

-Canal-side seating.

Very nice.

Oh, my God!

Meant to be!

Kismet! Kismet!

We went looking for your hotel,

but we couldn't find it anywhere.

-Yeah, it's pretty hard to find.

-Well, all's well that ends well.

It was just like fate,

the first time I met Joanie.

I worked on the 6th floor,

and Eddie worked on the 4th floor.

-Hand to God.

-Every day in the cafeteria...

-...on the third floor--

-I saw Joanie at the salad bar.

And she smiled at me.

Not just a smile.

I mean, a really big smile.

One day at the salad bar

at Beefsteak Charlie's...

...I thought I saw her

at that salad bar.

-But it wasn't me.

-It wasn't Joanie!

What are the odds of another person

at a salad bar looking like Joanie...

...and yet not being Joanie?

What, like a trillion to one?

Could be higher than that.

Anyway, when I realized it wasn't

Joanie, I was so disappointed.

And I began to think about how much

I'd hoped that it was Joanie.

But at this point

you still hadn't met.

No. And I couldn't get over how much

I wanted this person to be Joanie.

And I think that was

the defining moment.

I went back to my wife at the table

at Beefsteak Charlie's...

...and I realized I felt more alive

thinking about that stranger...

...I thought was Joanie than I did

with the stranger who was my wife.

We were both in marriages

we'd outgrown.

You know, maybe I didn't

wanna admit it, but maybe...

...I didn't like myself enough

to be with someone who liked me.

Can you imagine anybody

not liking Eddie Kirby?

I'm not so perfect.

Beg to differ!

That year we both mustered up

enough courage to leave our marriages.

So at this point you had met.

Still hadn't met.

But, you know, after you've had

such a horrible marriage...

...you don't wanna make

the same mistakes twice.

So I made an inner pact with myself.

I said, "Eddie, you will never

let anger build up to the point...

...where you don't like

your partner."

-I made the same pact.

-That became our credo.

"Never go to bed angry."

So now we talk everything through.

We won't let even the tiniest pea

be under our mattress.

That's why we never eat in bed.

Me too.

Who'd have thought the Kirbys...

...the happiest couple

never to have met...

...would be the greatest

aphrodisiac known to man?

If only you could bottle

that unfettered state of mind...

...that comes with being

on foreign soil...

...to just hold on to it...

...even for a day, an evening...

...an hour.

Last year, when we

got back from Italy, God knows...

...we gave it a try.

Hey, look at this.

While we were away, we got a message

from His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.

About a softball team

he's getting started.

You wanna write a letter to the kids

together, let them know we're back?

"Dear Josh...

...and Erin."

Oh, sure. You get the easy part.

"We're...

...back."

"From...

...Europe."

That's not a sentence.

It's a preposition and a continent.

I crossed out your period

and made a sentence.

See? "We're back from Europe."

Your turn.

Thank you.

Exclamation point.

Comma. Close parentheses.

"But l...

...don't want to talk...

...about grammar."

Colon. "I want to...

...make love to...

...your mother."

No, you didn't write that.

What? I do. I want to.

After we finish the letter.

No, let's make love right now.

Then we write the letter.

Come on, we only had

a couple of sentences to go.

In Europe, you would've

made love first.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-Nothing.

-That I'm not spontaneous?

-I'm not saying that.

But that's what you implied.

That in Europe I'd have

made love, but here--

I don't want us to get to the point...

...where we can't make love unless

there's a concierge downstairs.

I wanted to take three minutes

to finish a letter to our children...

...who I haven't seen--

What's that supposed to mean?

That I don't care about our children?

If I finish the letter,

I could be spontaneous.

That's not spontaneous!

That's making an appointment!

I was in the mood

for unscheduled affection...

...but sorry, we're home. I forgot...

...everything's gotta be

on a schedule!

You try raising children

where everything's unscheduled...

...when everything's spontaneous!

You know what? The kids need

a little spontaneity too!

I know that!

I'm sick and tired of being

the designated driver of this marriage!

Nobody designated you!

It's a role you gave yourself!

Bullshit! You gave me that role!

Because God forbid Ben should ever

remember to cancel the newspapers...

...or put washer fluid in his car...

...or participate in disciplining

his children...

...instead of flirting on the phone

with your girlfriend!

You're not bringing that up again!

You're damn straight

I'll bring it up again!

I haven't spoken to her

in six months!

Not once have you seen it

through my eyes!

We don't have a pea under our mattress.

You know what we have?

A f***ing watermelon!

And you never wanna deal with it!

Oh, f*** it!

Jesus!

Welcome home.

Bye, Dad.

-Thanks.

-I love you.

-Bye, Mom.

-Buddy.

Love you.

See you guys in a month.

Bye, you guys.

-Bye, Daddy.

-Couple of weeks.

-Watch your toes.

-See you.

Bye, kids.

Do you think we should get

one lawyer or two?

One.

Maybe we can at least

make this part....

All I care about is that we make it

as easy for the kids as possible.

I'm sure you noticed the bathroom has

the original tiling from the '20s.

It's nice.

You know, since you're a writer,

I know you'd appreciate...

...that the sister

of Bette Davis' chauffeur...

...once had Thanksgiving

in the apartment next door.

Really?

Are there any other kids

in this building?

Oodles! Including, if I might add,

the nephew of the actor...

...who jumped third into

the fourth lifeboat on Titanic.

Rent the film, you'll see.

I'll introduce you.

I'm showing it to another family today,

but if you're interested...

...I can hold it for you,

give your wife a look-see--

I'm interested.

Who wouldn't be? Look how the light

from that window fills the room.

When I showed this apartment...

...to the man who did the voice

of Charlie the Tuna...

...he said, and I quote,

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