Ten Inch Hero Page #3

Daddy, look who I found!

Hey there! It's Anna, who draws rocks and little girls.

What are you doing here?

Homework.

Me too.

I've to do math and science

...before I'm allowed to do any art.

Yeah, some mean ogre made up that rule.

Okay, Julia, I'm gonna look up those articles.

Okay.

I'll be fine with Anna.

I'll be right back.

I'll show you somethin'.

See the ears?

Just put a lil' shadow in there.

Cool!

That doesn't look like math to me.

Done.

- Spelling?

- Done.

Well, I have to check it.

Done.

Dad, did you know Anna has four little brothers?

She knews all about kids.

- Is that right?

- Yeah.

And she works in a sandwich shop, but not full time.

Oh yeah?

Dad!

Am I missing something?

Julia has been asking me about private art lessons...

...and I believe she thinks she's found her tutor.

Well...

And you could pick me up at school, so I won't have to walk home with Bradley...

Who?

Okay, two times a week I teach an adult education class...

...and poor Julia has to walk home with Bradley.

And then she's forced to stay with him for 45 whole minutes until I get there.

You are a terrible father.

Huh, I gotta give her something to tell her therapist in 10 years.

Bradley picks his nose in class...

...and, makes these fart noises in his armpits.

Testosterone poisoning, actually, you can't help it

Anna, please, save me!

Please!

Okay.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Tadd.

Tish.

So, what can I get for you tonight?

An order to go.

What do you want?

You.

Sorry, I just leave in ...?...

Well, look...

With men...I've never had a...

...you know...a full on...

Does that work on stupid guys?

Yeah, usually.

You're ready to go then?

Huh! It's nice how he held the door for her...

What a gentleman...

He's a giver, I can tell.

...and I'm the only keeper...

Car's really nice.

Yeah, I love this car.

I love the way you look in this car.

Where is Brad tonight?

Sitting in the apartment, wishin' he would stay where you are instead.

So how do you afford such a nice car...and expensive tips?

Sucked out of my loaded father.

What?

Nothin', it's really good.

Nah, that sucky thing is not right.

That sucky thing?

That's what my dad calls it.

What's your dad calls what?

This.

What? The...sucky thing?

Otherways knows as a turkey baste.

Well...yeah, if you wanna use its nickname...

but everybody knows the real name is of course the...

The sucky thing.

Speaking of sucky things, I have a meeting at six o'clock on thursday.

Do you think you'd be able to stay late with Julia, maybe...get her some dinner?

Would I get to cook with the sucky thing?

Absolutely!

Then it's a deal.

So, where's the mother?

- I don't know.

- You didn't ask?

No!

I mean, as far as they're concerned I'm just some college student.

It would be...weird, if I asked.

What if she calls or...comes over when you're there?

Then you don't slap the b*tch for dissing you for five years.

Oh, look! It lives.

Barely.

All right, start with this. I'll get the IV ...?....

I'm in love.

No, you're in heat...

Oh, look! A man pretending to knowledge the difference.

Finally found an 11, huh?

Huh...12!

I did things with Tadd, I've never done before.

Oh, really? Like what? Wait for the second date?

Well, the surf sucked.

What did I miss at our staff meeting?

Well, Tish in love.

Or in lust...

...depending on who you're talking to.

Really? I'm proud of you, angel.

Piper is digging herself deeper and deeper into the pit of deceit with the Millers...

Good...nice to see that our old company tradition for making the worst possible decision

in any situation, has been passed on to the next generation employee.

Priestly has gotten in touch with his feminine side.

I love my kilt!

And, I have reached a decision...on meeting Fuzzy.

And?

Well, hmm...

We have all the same interests,

he makes me laugh all the time, and...

Man, I tell him everything!

It's a no-brainer.

We have to meet!

Right on!

And...what if "he" is a woman?

We'll find a way to make it work.

Oooh, if that happens, can I watch?

What if he's 14?

Oooh, if that happens, can I...videotape?

He's driving himself to the meeting point, so he's gotta be at least 16, right?

And that's not...that much younger.

Convicted felon?

Hmmm, he's out now, so it couldn't have been that bad.

Paralized?

If he can go with that, I sure can.

Ugly as a rhino's ass?

Looks are really the least of my worries.

I mean, he's a great guy.

But what if he's got, like, crazy ass hair and...

and more artificial holes in his head than real ones?

Oh, I could never be that lucky.

Okay, so...when and where?

Halfway, next saturday, at a club in Morro Bay.

He'll be the one with a white rose on his table.

Oh, that's so romantic!

Trucker...

I was wondering if there was any way I could borrow the cosmobile...

I think that way I could just camp out.

- Of course. Anything for true love!

- Thank you.

Well, I'm going with.

Really?

Me too.

You guys are the best.

Yeah! Count me in!

FORGET IT!

Can we get to work now?

I...I'll drive.

No!

I'll buy the beer.

Never get to do anything fun...

Priestly, you wanna go out on a fly errand?

Affirmative.

But what's that we need, captain?

Oh, we're out of tampons in the ladies' bathroom.

Oh, look at that face!

Don't worry about it, we'll get 'em tomorrow.

What, do you think I'm afraid of a box of plungers?

No worries, mate.

Come on, look at me!

I'm a poster boy for maturity!

All right, maybe not, but close enough.

I can do this.

All right? I'm comfortable enough with myself to do this for you ladies.

Hey, Renaissance man!

If you need help, just call me.

Code blue. Hostile territory. Aborting mission.

Who is this?

Renaissance Man. I'm at the store.

There's too many enemy tampons. I'm bailing.

Alright, stay focused. Describe the situation.

Initial recon appears to be bag or box?

- Box.

- Box. Roger that.

- Alright, look around chest height. Do you see anything marked "regular"?

- Okay, regular.

Uh, here's one but it says "slender regular".

How can something be both slender and regular? Isn't that mutually exclusive?

Priestly...

Unless, of course they're implying that in the mysterious underworld of femboxes slender is regular.

Priestly. Are you done?

- Well, what about the Super Pluses?

- No!

- Why not? They sound, like, better.

- Don't. They're huge.

I thought you liked huge.

This is one area where bigger is not better.

Yeah, well shouldn't you buy all the protection you can get? I mean...

...it says here it can handle any amount of...oh my God!

Priestly, listen. If a woman needs an emergency...dipstick

...in the ladies' room of a sandwich stop...

- That's nasty.

- She just wants something

that's going to hold her over until she can get home and use one of her own,

based on her own style preferences and...flow requirements.

- Tish!

- Yeah?

That word..."flow".

That's nasty. It's gross.

Just...buy the slender regulars.

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