Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny Page #4

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I used to be a guitar tech.

So one night, I'm working a gig

up in New Jersey or something.

Some real mediocre band.

Lead guitarist comes out,

starts shredding licks...

way beyond his capabilities.

Like sh*t that had to be

coming from somewhere else.

I noticed he was using a new pick.

Weird-looking thing with horns on it.

Made of green ivory, or some sh*t.

It was the pick, it wasn't him.

He didn't know what he had, though.

End of the show, he flicks it

back into the audience.

Some kid catches it.

Kid named Eddie.

Eddie?

Van Halen!

Whoa.

So I started researching it.

Turns out this thing goes deeper

than I could have imagined.

Way deeper.

Back to the Dark Ages.

I moved to Rome. Quit my job.

Learned Latin.

I gained the trust of the

night librarian at the Vatican.

A gentleman named

Salvatore Papardello.

He turned me on to some sh*t

that you wouldn't believe.

Check this out.

It's an ancient scroll.

All in Latin.

I translated it. Took me six years.

Why didn't you just get a translator?

And let him read it too?

Listen to this.

Long ago, a dark wizard

used his black magic...

to summon Satan himself.

Satanus.

That's Latin for Satan.

A horrific battle ensued.

But the great demon

was far too powerful.

Snakes!

Finish me, foul beast!

Luckily, a blacksmith

heard the beast's roars.

No!

Ow!

F***! You chipped my tooth.

I'm not complete.

Venisti remanebis

donec denuo completus sis.

What does that mean?

From whence you came

you shall remain...

until you are complete again.

F*** you! No!

No! I'm not complete!

The demon was drawn back

into the fires of hell...

and the dark wizard

was totally stoked to be alive.

With a long draw on his hash pipe...

the wizard devised a way

to repay the blacksmith.

The blacksmith loved a fair maiden.

To gain her affection, he would

need a true master skill...

that would leave the maiden

moist and wanting.

And so the wizard fashioned

the demon's tooth...

into a pick that would make

the blacksmith play...

only the most masterful

of melodies on his lute...

thereby winning the heart

of the maiden he loved.

The secret of the pick died

with that blacksmith.

And then... poof!

All of a sudden it reappears

in the American South...

at the turn of the century,

in Robert Johnson's fingers.

Spawns the birth of the blues.

And rock & roll.

Of course.

The pick is a tiny part

of the beast...

so it has

supranatural qualities.

- Supernatural?

- No, supra-natural.

That's like

a whole other level above super.

Where is it now?

That's the last known photo

of the pick.

That guitar was sold at auction.

It now resides in the

Rock & Roll History Museum.

That's where the POD is too.

- The POD?

- The Pick of Destiny.

Oh.

Why didn't you just go get it?

The Rock & Roll History Museum

is an impenetrable fortress.

You two bozos wanna steal

the Pick of Destiny...

count me out.

I already went down

that rabbit hole once.

And I got news for you.

There's no cheese at

the end of that tunnel, buddy.

All right, get outta here.

I told you enough already.

C'mon, get outta here.

Man, I don't know what to say.

Shh.

Just get outta my store.

The Quest!

Oh, my God! You guys!

What are you doin' here?

- Come on in!

- Actually, we can't stay.

We were hopin'

you'd do us a favor.

Anything you need, man.

- Do you think it would be OK...

- We need your car.

Oh.

Um, well,

kinda need it for work.

Listen, man.

We've got a meeting

with the hugest president...

of the most massive

record company in the business.

We need to meet him

in Sacramento tonight.

Oh.

Uh...

Well...

All right.

Hey, what's up with this pedal?

That's my extra brake.

I'm a pizza delivery guy

and a driving instructor.

I teach people how to drive

while I deliver 'zas.

Ha ha ha! Good thinkin', man.

Later.

Knock 'em dead

at the meeting, you guys.

I can't stop thinkin'

about that f***in' pick.

You heard the guy. It's Satan's tooth.

When we get that thing...

we're gonna win

that f***in' prize money...

then we're gonna

dominate the world of rock.

We're gonna be unstoppable, man.

Hmmm...

Unstoppable.

Unstoppable.

Unstoppable.

This, uh, next band

asked me not to read this...

but, God damn it,

I'm going to read it anyway...

because I wrote it...

and it's the truth.

"I f***ing love this band!"

They are the best band ever, period!

Ladies and gentlemen, Tenacious D!

Hey, what's up?

Me and KG wrote this song

five minutes ago.

It's called Master Exploder.

## Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh

ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh ##

## Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh yeah! ##

- ## I do not need ##

- ## He does not need ##

- ## A microphone ##

- ## A microphone ##

- ## My voice is f***ing ##

- ## F***ing ##

## Powerful ##

## Ahh, yeah! ##

## Ah, ahh, yeah! ##

Sorry.

- ## I did not mean ##

- ## He did not mean ##

- ## To blow your mind ##

- ## To blow your mind ##

## But that sh*t happens to me

all the ti-i-i-ime ##

- ## Now, take a look ##

- ## Take a look ##

- ## Tell me what you see ##

- ## What you see ##

## We got the Pick of Destiny... y... y ##

## Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh

ahh-ahh yeah! ##

Woah!

JB! JB! JB! JB!

JB! JB! JB! JB! JB!

- JB! JB! JB!

- JB. JB. JB.

- JB! JB! JB!

- JB. JB. JB.

JB, wake up. JB, wake up!

Let's chow down, dude.

- I'm starving.

- OK.

You guys know what you want?

Hmm.

What do you recommend?

I recommend

that you order some food.

OK.

Uh... Lemme have

the fried chicken and a steak...

and the chicken-fried steak.

Hello.

Um... What happened to your eye?

I burned it with a curling iron.

I'll have one small glass

of carrot juice.

Yeah, we don't have that here.

Then I will have nothing.

Great.

- Dude, what's the matter?

- Dude?

Aren't you hungry?

You should eat somethin'.

No. I never eat before a mission.

It slows you down.

I gotta be light on my feet

like a dancer.

Like a f***in' ninja, dude.

Now check this out.

I'm gonna jump this fence here.

OK? Like a gazelle.

Then you come around

that f***in' bend.

God! Damn it, Kyle!

Lf we're gonna do this,

you gotta stay focused.

Eye of le tigre!

Now check it out.

You give me a f***in' boost,

He-Man style.

And then we're gonna f***in' do

a little mini-tiger roll...

- And come on back.

- Oh, my God. Stop it!

I f***in' pull your sh*t up.

Dude, hold on. That's good stuff.

You're right, he's coming over here.

- Oh!

- F***in' dick squeezer.

Aaah!

Uh...

Hey...

buddy.

Heh heh heh.

So, uh, what, uh, brings you...

to this neck of the woods?

Um... Ahem. We're just

on a little business trip.

Mm.

Are you, uh, going to, uh...

check out

the Rock & Roll History Museum?

- The Rock & Roll what?

- History Museum.

Oh, no. I don't even know

what you're talkin' about.

You just seem like

Rock & Roll types to me.

- Ha ha!

- Yeah, well, we're not.

We're just

two f***in' businessmen...

on our way

to see some sh*t in Sacramento.

- So, sorry.

- Hmm. Yes. Yes.

I was just asking because...

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