Tenure Page #7

That's good.

I felt like it would.

[Sighs]

BETH:
Did you get

this wine at Yale?

Yes, that's right.

It's really good.

Well...

I guess that's it.

Thanks for letting me

give a hand.

Well, thank you

for helping me.

No...

No, listen...

Beth's really lucky.

[Police radio chattering]

BETH:
Oh, goddamn.

That got me so hot.

It was like role-play.

You up for some fun

tonight, Professor?

Me? Oh, no, thanks.

No? What are you,

gay or something?

God, she is hotter than

a firecracker right now.

I'm bi... curious.

So...

[Clears throat]

TIM:
You are

so freakin' hot.

[Beth and Tim giggling]

Here you go.

Well, thanks a lot,

you two.

I, uh, I think that

worked out really well.

F*** you, pervert.

[Tires screech]

[Beth laughing]

MARGARET:
No. No,

you're responsible.

I mean,

how can we trust you?

What do you people do?

You know what?

I need

to call you back.

I see you, jackass!

God! You're such

a loser.

Hey, Margaret.

Sorry, I didn't see you.

Dad escaped.

What?

They called me

two hours ago.

He didn't show up

to water aerobics,

and they got worried.

Why didn't they

call me?

They tried, but you

never answer your phone.

And God forbid

you get a cell phone.

He was doing

so well.

He's fine, Margaret.

No, he disappeared

again, Charlie!

He's not fine!

Okay.

MARGARET:

He has these episodes,

And he doesn't know

where he is.

He could be in danger.

Ohh.

I have total respect

For your fugitive status,

Professor Thurber.

Well, I appreciate

that, Sasquatch.

I've been

in your shoes...

Tons of times.

Runnin' from the man,

on the lam.

Sasquatch,

do you think...

Everything's all right

with Charlie?

Yeah.

You did a good job,

Professor.

Charlie's got

his head on straight.

I thought when I got

to be this age,

Things would get

easier.

But everything just

gets more absurd.

Are you screwing

my daughter?

Heh.

Heh.

It's not arbitrary.

We try

to make a choice

Where he might go in.

What you look for is...

An oddly-broken branch.

Aha.

MARGARET:
Oh, my God.

CHARLIE:

The Bigfoot Club?

What the hell is

going on around here?

We've been looking

for you for hours, Dad.

Jay, did you do this?

Oh, relax,

Margaret.

Sasquatch had nothing

to do with it.

I ran into them.

We had a nice

little expedition.

He's telling

the truth, I swear.

Dad, you can't

leave like that.

I'm not a child,

Margaret.

What have you been

doing all day?

Where have you been?

Do you know how worried

we've been?

I took a damn walk!

CHARLIE:
Dad, she's just

trying to help.

Come on. It's okay.

Well, guys, so long.

JAY:
See you, Bill.

He seems good.

Right?

Charlie.

Yeah.

This isn't funny.

[Engine starts]

Dad... you can't

do that again.

If you want

to take a walk,

You have to

tell somebody.

Wait here.

CHARLIE:
Okay.

[Indistinct chatter]

Where'd you get that?

Sasquatch

gave it to me, free.

Told me to pass it out

on the floor.

See that, Charlie?

Right there?

That's why

she's not a teacher.

Oh, she wouldn't

last a day.

[Chuckles]

Yeah.

You're different.

Oh, Christ.

You got it all?

Yeah.

Dr. Leakey, good news.

About your article,

I assume?

Yep.

East Dubuque Review.

I can't say

I've ever heard of it,

But I'm sure it's

quite... competitive.

Oh, yeah.

Now...

Ooh! Oh, Charlie,

look here.

This is interesting.

"However,

due to the fact

"That our magazine is

closing its doors in June,

"We can only offer you

publication

"On our sister website...

Eastdubuquerecreation.org."

Sh*t.

Congratulations,

Charlie.

I'm sure this means

the website

Will get many more hits.

I can't believe this is

our last class together.

Well, I guess we ought

to get started, huh?

Professor Thurber,

we didn't know what to do,

But we wanted

to get you a gift,

Since you've been such

a great teacher this year.

Thanks. You didn't

have to do that.

We wanted to.

Well, thank you.

Let's see here.

Well...

ROBIN:
We just wanted you

to remember us.

Thanks, guys.

Thanks. This really

means a lot.

CHARLIE:
Well, I find out

about tenure tomorrow, Dad.

So...

The big day is

finally here, eh?

Is there gonna be

some kind of a party?

I'm available.

Well, I guess

that all depends

On how it turns out.

Look...

If you don't get

tenure, you move on.

That's all.

Grey College...

Not so special, right?

And if you do get it,

that's fantastic.

You certainly deserve it.

The point is, you're

a teacher, Charlie.

That's what

you do best.

Anywhere you go

in life,

There's always

gonna be a classroom

Full of kids

who need you.

I promise you that.

[The Jam:
Smithers-Jones ]

Here we go again

It's Monday at last

He's heading for

the Waterloo line

To catch the 8am fast

It's usually dead on time

Hope it isn't late,

got to be there by nine

Pinstriped suit,

clean shirt and tie

Stops off

at the corner shop

To buy the Times...

I've got a real

good feeling

about this, man.

Yeah.

[Sighs]

It's not the end of

the world.

It's only tenure.

Right?

Right.

[Sighs]

Good luck, man.

Thanks.

Okay.

I'm gonna cut right to

the chase here, Charlie.

Your tenure vote was

three to three... a tie.

And in cases of a tie,

The Dean acts as

the deciding vote.

I've been watching you

closely, Charlie,

And I must say you've been

busy this semester.

Vandalizing my next-door

neighbor's house was...

An unorthodox beginning

To your tenure pursuits.

And can you also explain

your supposed connection

To the sale of an illegal

herbal erection cream

on campus?

Cream?

And what about your

publishing record at Grey?

It's virtually nonexistent,

Save for some obscure

online journal.

And to top things off,

You have been accused

of various sanitary lapses

By members

of the faculty.

If I can address that,

uh...

I didn't do it,

As I stated earlier.

LEAKEY:
Charlie,

Charlie, Charlie.

On paper,

you are quite simply

The worst candidate for tenure

I have ever seen.

The worst?

But in coming to

my tiebreaking decision,

I came across these...

Your student

evaluation forms.

Your students love you,

Charlie.

But I'm afraid

that's simply not enough.

However, I'm going to take

an unprecedented step

In this matter.

I am prepared

to offer you tenure,

On a strictly

probationary basis,

For a period of one year.

But your teaching duties

will be severely cut back.

Taking you out of

the classroom, we believe,

Will give you ample time

To focus on your own

research and writing.

Now, then...

What say you?

[Indistinct chatter]

[Door opens]

MAN:
See you, Bill.

Yeah, see you.

What the hell's

going on here?

I'm checking you out.

What?

Yeah, you're comin'

to live with me.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

You don't

belong here, Dad.

Heh.

That's what I've been

trying to tell you.

Let's go.

BILL:
What the Christ,

Charlie?

Oh, yeah.

Wait here a sec, okay?

[Indistinct chatter]

[Microphone feeds back]

Uh, excuse me.

Just a quick announcement.

There are 200 bottles

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