That Old Feeling Page #3

to her as good as she gave it.

Oh, I know I did.

May we have your attention,

please?

The bride's parents?

Where are the bride's parents?

Ah, the lovely mother

and the handsome dad.

Why don't you two little lovebirds

show us what it's all about?

I thought you told them

not to do this.

I thought you did. No!

Go ahead. I want you to.

Oh, God, Keith!

Can you believe it?

How are you? Well, I'm... I'm

just completely horrified.

How are you? I'm very upset.

Why the hell did we do that?

Why else? Alcohol.

I guess it was

just some old itch...

lurking around down there

in some sick hidden place.

It just sort of, uh, popped up.

That's not funny.

We just committed adultery.

I know what we committed.

I am as upset about it

as you are.

Well, I don't think

anyone suspects.

Not with us. Are you kidding?

It's unthinkable.

Look at them over there.

Alan thinks I've made some kind

of psychological breakthrough.

- Look.

- And now the groom's parents.

We got away with it.

So what do you say we just...

get through this dance,

go home,

forget that it ever happened?

Good idea.

It was good though, wasn't it?

I mean, wasn't it?

- It was good?

- It was very good.

You sure know how to send me

to the chiropractor.

Oh, so you miss me that way?

No comment.

And now the newlyweds.

Look, I don't know what I'm gonna

do when this dance is over.

Oh, God. I feel the same way.

Let's just have one more dance.

No. We can't. They'll know.

This is it then? It has to be.

Well, never ever

in my wildest dreams...

Who the hell knows

anything anyway, right?

Not me.

- Good-bye, Danny.

-

Good-bye, Lilly.

See? You had nothing

to worry about.

Mm-hmm.

I was so proud of you today.

Do we have to bring these quivering

little rats with us everywhere we go?

She didn't mean that.

Yes, I meant it.

Okay, what is it?

Nothing, nothing.

Alan, can we go home now? I think

I know why you're agitated.

What do you mean?

Well, in layman's terms,

it's a rush from finally having

released all that anger toward Dan.

Do you remember we talked

about psychological mastery?

I know you thought I was

blathering on at the time.

But now do you

see what I meant?

You had a tremendous act

of separation individuation.

You confronted your bogeyman.

You grabbed your gremlin.

Now do you see

how important talking is?

What? Oh!

Yes. Oh, it's important.

You finally overcame the narcissistic

injury of that relationship...

and you felt

the empowerment of closure.

It was a victory

for me as well,

because you remember that

recurring dream I had...

about the wild dogs

gnawing at my genitals?

Before I thought those dogs

symbolized our children.

But how could that be?

I love our children so much.

Now I see the dogs

symbolize Dan,

and my genitals...

symbolize... my genitals.

I think that's the key... Hello?

- Lilly?

-

It's me.

Oh, God. What do you want?

- I'm curious about something.

- What?

Does this mean

that we're speaking?

Apparently.

Okay, good, because

I have to talk to you.

No. No!

Coffee. I'm not trying

to start anything here.

Meet me downstairs

in five minutes.

You just want to sit

and talk to me?

Yeah, I think it's a fitting

end to a sinister afternoon.

Sinister? You call sexual

attraction to me sinister?

All right, then, calamitous.

Remember that funny thing...

It was just a cigar.

Uh, Keith? Hmm?

I know you're going

to think I'm a little weird,

but that sounded

just like my mother's laugh.

Molly.

You've got to stop fixating on your parents.

It's not normal.

Hmm? Yeah.

That's it. Did you hear that?

That braying? Okay, I'm sorry.

Never mind. Never mind.

I'm insane, aren't I?

That is my dad!

Oh, for God's sake, Molly.

It sounded just like him.

Well, it can't possibly

be him, can it? I know.

I know. Okay.

Mmm. Mmm.

So? I'm sorry.

I don't think I'm going to be

able to get comfortable here...

'til I know what's going on.

Molly!

That cannot possibly be your parents in

the same room having a high old time.

You do know that, don't you?

Uh, I can't. Can you look?

Look? How? Look?

Uh, just look out the window.

Kind of crane around.

I am not gonna spy

on some poor couple.

You really want me to do this.

I'll hold your legs.

What do you mean? Rowena

didn't like my bald spot,

so she made me do this thing where

they put something under your scalp.

They blow it up

like a balloon.

They cut away the bald skin, and

then they suture you back up.

I tell you, I have no feeling

at the top of my head.

It's dead up here. Look. Look.

You can drop coconuts on it.

Let me kiss it alive.

Oh, would you? Would you? Would you?

I'm comin' in, baby!

Oh, my God!

I thought they hated each other.

They're supposed to!

They did. They have.

Oh, God. We can't stay here.

I'm not going to stay

and listen to my parents having

sex on my wedding night.

I'm not leaving. What?

Tell them to leave. No!

I'm not going to walk in

on them when they're...

Oh, God! Oh!

We want another room.

Is there something wrong?

You couldn't begin to imagine.

But the Maple Room is the

largest... Just switch it!

Please. I'm afraid we can't.

We just have the six rooms,

and the last one just rented.

Uh, Keith. Yes?

I've got a bad feeling, like we

shouldn't stay here another second.

We really don't want to know what's

going on up there, do we? No, we don't.

Let's just drive out of here

before something hideous...

Where would we go? Uh,

let's go to the airport.

I am not spending my wedding night in those

orange plastic chairs waiting for a flight.

Oh, thank God, you guys are up.

Listen, have you

seen your father?

Uh, no. This is very weird.

If I didn't know better, I'd

think he was having an affair.

No! No!

Then why did he shave

to go for a walk? Ma'am?

You haven't seen my husband,

have you?

Oh, yes. He just rented

the Birch Room for his sister.

Of course.

But, look, we've gotten

you up. Please, uh...

If there's nothing else

I can do? Good night, dear.

Good night.

Birch.

Duck and cover.

Well, quite the little

detective, aren't you?

Better than I was.

Would you have the decency to

tell me where my husband is?

My ex-husband went back to try and make

some lame, pathetic excuse to you.

Obviously it was too late.

This is the worst behavior I have

ever encountered in another adult.

Oh, Rowena,

I didn't mean to hurt you.

It was just

"spontaneous combustion."

Did you have to gloat?

Oh, yes, I definitely did.

You can make jokes. You're

not the one in the hot seat.

Oh, come on. She's gone to tell Alan.

She's not gonna let me get out of this.

Then I guess you're

in the hot seat too.

What should we do? Nothing.

You're right. She'll tell Alan.

There will be threats and

scenes, hollering and crying,

quarts of Maalox

down people's throats.

And you know what? What?

I'm not in the mood. I'm not

in the mood for that at all.

Can we avoid it?

Oh, no, we can't avoid it.

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