The 40-Year-Old Virgin Page #10

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emotionally.

She's different. She's someone

I felt like I had...

a connection with.

All you trying to do right now

is bust off this first night.

You got a whole lot of semen

back up in you.

I am going to tell her.

You should totally

tell her, man.

I'm going to.

'Cause I watched this movie

called Liar Liar...

and the message was,

"Don't lie."

And that was a smart movie.

Yeah, that's the right thing.

Yeah.

Really? All your girlfriends

wanted to have sex

with virgins, too?

That's funny. I didn't

even know you girls

talked like that.

I think my first time

might be your best time, too.

Well, I knew it.

You know what...

I knew that you'd

react that way

and I knew that...

you would want

to lead me through

my first sexual encounter...

with all the compassion

and care that someone...

would give to their soul mate.

Oh, my God. I'm in trouble.

Hey, Andy.

(Joe)

You watching Survivor tonight?

No, actually

I'm going out to dinner

with somebody.

Hi.

(Andy)

This is her.

Trish, this is

Joe and Sara.

Hi.

Hi, Trish.

Hey.

But tape it for me,

okay?

Will do. All right.

(Andy)

Thanks.

So long.

(Sara)

Bye-bye.

See you later.

Have a good night.

Yeah, my man's gonna

get it on tonight.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, and you better

get on me, too.

What is wrong

with this woman?

Mercy, mercy, mercy.

I'm so sorry that happened

the other night.

No, I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

That was me.

No.

Let me...

I have something

I want to tell you.

Kind of hard to talk about.

But...

you know,

there are certain things...

about who I am that...

I'm sorry.

I just have to get this

off my chest.

I am so sorry,

I didn't tell you I had kids.

Yeah, what was that about?

Gosh. You know,

that really surprised me.

No, you should have

told me probably, but...

I'm sorry. I know.

What do I care

if you have a kid?

Well, I have two kids.

Wow. Okay.

How old are they?

Six.

Sixteen.

Twenty-one.

Forty-two.

Fifty-six. How many kids

do you have?

I have three.

Okay, three.

Yeah,

and one of them

has a kid.

A one-year-old.

That's cool. That's great.

I'm really glad

we're doing this.

Me, too.

Listen, Andy...

I don't want to send you

running for the hills

or anything, but...

I really feel like

if we decide to

do this again, then...

maybe we should hold off

on the physical part

for a while.

That is a fantastic idea.

Why didn't I think of that?

Really?

Totally.

No sex?

No. Why do that?

Because here's the thing.

From personal experience...

I found that

sex can really

complicate things.

And what we should be

doing right now is

getting to know each other.

Yeah.

Well, I never thought

you'd go for it.

I'm going for it.

Well, that just

is a great, great notion.

Are you serious?

Look at my face.

Look at how serious I am.

Can you see my nostrils?

Yes.

That's serious.

That's more angry.

Yeah, you know what,

most guys would be saying:

"Yeah," right now, but, like,

by the third date,

it would be:

"Hey, baby, I really need to

physically express

how I feel"...

and all that stuff.

Well, hey, baby...

you know, three dates...

Make it 10, 10 dates.

How about 15?

Fifteen. Screw your 15.

Okay, 20 dates.

Twenty dates.

Okay.

This is genius.

It's gonna hurt.

Not as much as you think.

We can really get to know

each other this way.

Yeah.

This is one, right?

No, next one.

[door opening]

[clearing throat]

Is it safe to come in,

or are you guys doing it?

Honey, it's safe.

Great.

(Trish)

Well, good timing.

Yeah.

(Trish)

You remember Marla.

Hi, we met.

And this is

my little bunny rabbit.

Julia.

Hey.

This is Andy.

Julia, how you doing?

You know what,

do you by any chance

like magic?

Yeah.

I thought that you might.

Because I noticed

on the way in...

that you had something shiny

behind your ear.

Marla, did you see that?

Something behind her ear?

You think you do?

Could I check?

Do you mind if I check

behind your ear?

Big money!

[exclaiming]

That's amazing.

Wow, it is amazing.

There's something else, too,

behind your ear, I think.

No, actually it's not

behind your ear.

I think it is your ear.

Rip!

It is your ear.

There is your ear.

I ripped it off.

Gross!

Yeah, that's...

All right. Wait.

Okay, but that means

that you...

walk around with a rubber ear

in your pocket all day?

Yeah, like half the time.

You know, I can come

to your high school...

and do it for your friends

if you want.

You know what,

I should head out.

Really?

Yeah.

I have to give you

a ride home.

Right. Yes, you do.

Yeah, 'cause you don't have

a car or anything, right?

Right, I don't have a car.

'Cause he doesn't have a car,

and he does magic.

Awesome.

And sarcasm is like

a second language to me.

So, I'm right there with you.

[laughing]

But, Dad...

I don't know how to love.

You never...

taught me how...

[ringing]

Hello.

(Andy)

Hey, Cal.

Hey.

I just got back from a date.

Did you tell her

you're a virgin?

No. I haven't gotten

to that yet.

Really?

Are you having sex right now?

No. She was incredible.

She was amazing.

She didn't pressure me.

And she has three kids.

And one of her kids

has a kid.

[coughing]

You all right?

Did you just say she has

three kids, one of whom

has a kid?

Yeah.

So, so, she's a grandma?

No.

I'm not a doctor

or anything like that...

but she's a f***ing grandma.

Yeah, whatever, you know.

She's the hottest grandma

I ever saw.

Yeah, she is.

She's a hot grandma.

That's a good-looking grandma.

My grandma looks like

Jack Palance.

Well, she's no Jack Palance.

No. If Jack Palance

looked like that lady...

I would want to

f*** Jack Palance right now.

Yeah, me, too.

She's a hot grandma.

Heck, yeah.

No, do a grandma, man.

You should f*** her

on her plastic-covered couch.

F*** her while she watches

Murder, She Wrote.

She would probably find that

very erotic.

Yeah, whatever, you know.

F*** her and then have her

send you a check

for $12 on your birthday.

I'm the dude

with the hot granny.

(Andy)

What did you want to

talk to me about?

Well, Andy,

the numbers just came in...

and you are by far

our best salesman.

So, I am promoting you

to floor manager.

This is the bullshit

of all bullshits!

You scumbag! Ass kisser!

Thank you. That's great.

I understand

you have a girlfriend.

Yeah, kind of seeing somebody.

I'm very happy for you.

Thanks. She's great.

Are you still a virgin?

You know, I don't really...

talk about my personal life.

You're a virgin.

Yes, I am.

Yeah.

My door is always open.

So to speak.

Great.

Great. Thank you.

I'm very discreet.

But I'll haunt your dreams.

Okay.

Okay.

[sniffing]

Wow.

So who's gonna take my job?

Cal will be

taking over your job.

And he's interviewing people

right now...

for his old job.

So, have you ever worked

with electronics before?

No.

No?

But I have electronics

in my home.

Perfect. That's the job

pretty much.

You're very well-qualified.

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