The 40-Year-Old Virgin Page #11

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More than these other losers.

[laughs]

I could do that...

Wait, last thing.

I'm also gonna need that

extended warranty on it...

for the price of

"on the house."

That I can't do.

Hey, don't be a Negro.

Be my n*gger. All right?

Help me out.

Hold up.

I ain't nobody's n*gger.

I mean, you're somebody's n*gger

wearing this n*gger tie.

Now you being condescending.

See, you've been warned,

all right?

Just move forward amicably.

Okay. Well, check this out.

First of all, you're throwing

too many big words at me.

Okay, now because

I don't understand them...

I'm gonna take them

as disrespect.

Watch your mouth,

and help me with the sale.

Okay, see,

now you found yourself

a n*gger.

You were looking for a n*gger?

N*gger here now. See?

Today's forecast:

Dark and cloudy,

and chance of drive-by.

You want to go?

I suggest you move back.

Then, nig, fire on.

What are we gonna do?

What are you gonna do,

Mr. Floor Manager?

Go, get them, tiger.

This sh*t just got rigged.

What are you gonna do, b*tch?

I'll tell you what.

You know Luca Perry

from 20th and 25th?

You ever heard of,

Rolling 20s, n*gger?

Since I was 16, n*gger,

I'm saying "frosty."

You know what I'm saying,

"spoon", n*gger.

We f***ed dwarfs in the ass.

N*gger, this dwarf here

don't got to be tall...

to pull the trigger off

in somebody face!

Come on n*gger, back up.

What's up?

Hey...

Welcome to Smart Tech.

Is this your boy?

What can I help you with?

Yeah, n*gger,

we will both mash you!

How can we help you, sir?

N*gger, what?

No, he don't need no help.

He's already been served.

I served him. He's taken

care of. He's a little slow,

but he got it.

See, what he thought was

he can come up in here

and make the rules.

But now he see that

Jay make the moves

at Smart Tech...

that I run this, b*tch

and now he bought the bounce.

This your boy?

Yeah, that's my boy.

We represent Smart Tech.

You just got

f***ed up with him.

Both y'all n*ggers going

get clapped up

when I get back.

Both of you all n*ggers.

What did I do?

It don't f***ing matter!

Yeah, aim high, Willis.

Aim high!

Please don't do this.

Jay, what's going on?

Jill broke up with me.

I'm so sorry.

What happened?

I came home a little tipsy.

And I had one of my condoms

on still.

Woke up the next morning

and jumped in the shower

with her.

I don't know

what I was thinking.

Why did you cheat on her?

Because I'm insecure!

You can't tell?

I know, man.

It's gonna be okay.

I'm cold.

It's gonna be all right, man.

Seriously, man, I'm sorry.

I apologize to you. I know.

If you wanna have

a meaningful relationship...

you've got to leave the sex

out of it, man. You're right.

It's all right. You're good.

I'm sorry. Come here.

I love you, man.

Man, I love you, too.

You're a good guy.

Do you know how I know

you guys are gay?

You're holding each other

ever so gently.

Cabrn.

[whooping]

[exclaiming]

(Trish)

Bravo.

At least he can cook, Mom.

[Believe It Or Not

(The Greatest American Hero

theme) playing]

I love... Spiderman.

[whooping]

Pull out slowly

and go straight ahead.

[screaming]

[humming]

[exclaims]

I'm all right.

Nobody's there.

(Trish)

I want to know

everything about you.

I want to tell you.

You do?

Yeah.

Like, what do you want to do?

What are your dreams?

You don't wanna work

at Smart Tech

for the rest of your life.

I've been working there

for a long time.

And I've been thinking lately

that maybe I should

open my own store.

Really?

Yeah.

What kind of store?

Well, like a stereo store.

Oh, my God, that is...

Why don't you do that?

I don't have enough money

to do that.

What about those collectibles?

I bet if you sold those,

you could make a lot of money.

I just sold a guy's G. I. Joe

for $1,000.

Really?

Do you have any of those?

Yeah.

You do?

I have 47 of them.

No, you don't.

Yeah, in their

original boxes.

You do?

I could help you

sell them on eBay.

I would not take a commission,

I swear to God.

You could do it.

You could totally pull it off.

Yeah, let's do it.

Let's do it.

Aquaman.

Here.

Clothes on.

I'll send you off to...

a farm with lots of land.

So, you and other Aquamen

can run around...

and play in the Aquafields.

Godspeed, Col. Steve Austin.

You don't wanna go, do you?

Okay, you can stay.

Steve Austin can stay.

Hey, Cal. David.

Way to sell a big TV.

She likes you, man.

Too bad I retired my penis.

Mooj, we try to be fair with

the schedule but it's hard.

Okay, but why every

damn schedule comes up,

I get most early shift?

It's bullshit.

Nobody buys stereo

at 10:
00 in the morning.

No, I understand.

People buy stereo

between 6:
00 and 8:00.

Mmm-hmm.

Rich men get off work,

then buy stereo.

Right.

Not after f***ing brunch.

Okay.

Here's what we're gonna do.

I'm going to give you

a couple of Jay's shifts.

And then I'll give you

a couple of mine

and that way...

we'll all be equal, okay.

Thank you, Andy.

It's okay.

You're a good man, Andy.

By the way,

what date are you on, now?

I think it's around 17.

It's hard to tell what

actually constitutes a date,

though.

Three to go. So that means

you're gonna have

sex in three days.

Maybe, I might try

to space them out

a little bit.

I'll pray for your cock.

Okay, thanks.

Thanks. Thank you.

Have a good cocky.

Trish is on the phone.

Here is a shock.

Girlfriend with a problem.

Hello.

(Marla)

I have done everything

but sexl

I'm a woman, okay?

Deal with itl

I'm gonna start

taking you back to church.

We are gonna start

going to church.

Hello?

(Marla)

You know what?

What the hell

are you talking about?

Oh, my God,

I cannot believe this.

Thank God you're here.

Jesus Christ.

Marla locked herself

in the bathroom.

What happened?

She wants to go

to the family health clinic.

She wants birth control.

But she's too young.

I want to have sex

with my boyfriend!

But I can't, Mom!

So, you want me

to take her?

No, I don't want you

to take her.

Okay, all right.

I want her to keep it

in her pants

until she gets to college.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

"Keep it in my pants"?

Okay, you didn't keep it

in your pants, Mom.

I know. I don't want you

to make the same mistakes

as me, Marla.

Mistakes? Okay,

so I was a mistake then.

No, you're not a mistake.

Your sister was the mistake.

Oh, my God!

Her older sister, I mean,

she wasn't planned,

you know what I mean?

Because I was such a...

Oh, God, you wanna run away,

don't you?

No.

You and your boyfriend

have sex all the time!

Oh, my God!

Are you kidding?

We never have sex.

Do we ever have sex?

No, we don't.

What? Yes, you do!

You're such a liar!

Why do you lie to me?

Why?

[door slamming]

[muttering]

I didn't hear anything

after "a liar."

What did she say

after "a liar"?

She sounds like a tea kettle.

F*** you!

[crying]

Maybe I should take her.

No, I don't think so.

You know, a little information

never hurt anybody.

Cool.

Wow!

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