The 40-Year-Old Virgin Page #12

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Where do you put the penis?

Oh, sh*t.

It is...

not a Rubik's Cube.

Sh*t.

God, how much longer

are they gonna make us wait?

[exclaims]

I don't know. They should be

out in a second.

Now, you're all here...

because you're interested

in obtaining birth control.

Any questions?

Here's a cute story.

I came home the other day...

and he is with his girlfriend

in my marital bed...

doing things that are illegal

in Alabama.

Sex acts, right?

Things that my wife won't do,

okay?

Did you have a question?

How do I get my wife

to do that?

Does anybody else

have a question?

My daughter is,

for lack of a better word...

dumb.

How do I stop

her menstrual cycle?

You want her to stop

having a menstrual cycle?

I want to stop it,

maybe just for a few years.

Yeah, I don't think

that's a good idea.

Does anybody else

have a question?

I have a question.

I think some of the people

here might be

sexually inexperienced.

Is it true that if you

don't use it, you lose it?

Is that a serious question?

No. It wasn't.

(Judith)

Okay.

Now, there are a lot

of activities that you can

engage in...

without having sex

that are both fun and safe.

What sort of activities?

I think...

everybody wants to know

about the activities.

Well,

instead of having intercourse,

you could have outer-course.

Outer-course?

What's that?

Yeah, what is that?

Outer-course is anything

that isn't vaginal

intercourse.

I prefer

vaginal intercourse.

[chuckling]

He really does.

Now, there are ways

of having sex

without intercourse.

Let's see, there are things

like body rubbing

or dry humping.

You could dry hump.

There is masturbation.

Masturbation.

Play with yourself.

Mutual masturbation.

Play with a friend.

Deep kissing.

There is erotic massage.

That sounds like

it would be nice.

Oral sex play.

Sounds like my Friday night.

Shut up, Seth.

We went to temple.

Okay,

are there any virgins here...

who are thinking about

having sex for the first time?

Oh.

Wait. So you're

a virgin?

[snickers]

I'd tap that.

Oh, yeah, you'd "tap that"?

Seth, what, you think

you're cool

with your little Jew fro?

We don't say, "tap that."

What are you talking about,

Seth?

You know what,

I'm a virgin, too.

[people laughing]

That's...

We're virgins, too.

Yeah.

No, you know what,

it's a personal choice...

and I don't think

it's weird at all.

You know what

your problem is?

You're putting the p*ssy

on a pedestal.

That's the second time

I've heard that.

What is the

"p*ssy on a pedestal" thing?

Okay, I can't listen

to anymore of this,

'cause it's making me sick.

So, bye.

You can get this information

on your website, right?

(Judith)

Yes.

Thanks.

Nice meeting everybody.

Any other questions?

Do you have any

extra-large condoms?

Seth, you got

a tiny penis.

[sighing]

So, I made that all up

to help you out.

No, you didn't.

But thank you

for doing that.

How can you tell?

Well, you know, I go to school

with, like, 400 guys...

who are all trying

to have sex.

And, yeah,

so I can tell who's done it.

Of course.

And you really haven't?

No, I really haven't.

Please don't tell your mom,

okay?

Yeah, I won't.

Thanks.

But when are you

gonna tell her?

Believe me,

I'm working on it.

I am working on it.

Do you have any weed?

Yeah.

You do have some.

Can spare any

or is it all spoken for?

I mean, like what

are we talking? Are we...

Just enough to get me

baked for like a week.

That's a lot of weed.

Yeah, I am taking vacation

next week, so...

Where are you going?

I'm not going anywhere.

I'll stay in my apartment.

Just getting baked?

I want to be baked

the whole time.

Watch TV,

I'll probably re-watch Gandhi.

Gandhi baked is good.

Yes, isn't it?

I always feel bad

when I watch it baked...

'cause I get really hungry

and I'm eating a lot...

and poor Gandhi is...

f***ing starving his ass off.

Starving, I know.

[music playing on TV]

Sounds good.

Yeah.

I'm going to take her

to capacity.

Are you okay with that?

Give it a shot.

Freak! Oh, yeah!

Michael McDonald, man,

I haven't heard this in years.

Yeah, I haven't heard it

in like 48 minutes.

If I get the set,

will you throw in the DVD?

You don't get the set.

I'll throw in the DVD.

I'll take it.

Really?

Yeah.

Y'all want to see

something beautiful?

Come here.

You want to see the most

beautiful thing in the world?

Check this out.

This is my baby right here.

That's my baby's dick

right there.

Looks like a poltergeist.

That is his foot.

Look at his dick.

That's not even four months.

Extrapolate that.

By the time he's 30,

what's gonna happen?

Yo, Andy! Come check this out,

dawg.

Is this the movie about babies

that are geniuses?

No, this is my child, dude.

Jill is pregnant.

That's yours?

(Jay)

Yeah.

That's why she broke up

with me in the first place...

'cause she just thought

that I wouldn't be

a good father...

in light of the fact that

I'd be cheating on her

all the time.

But she got over all that.

It's cool now.

Congratulations, man.

That is great.

We having

a party tonight, Andy...

and I really want you

to be there, man.

We celebrating and I

really, really want you

to be there.

It looks like

the Doppler radar.

Can you believe that?

This child

ain't even four months old.

He ain't four months old yet.

Look at what he's packing.

Everybody dick looks big

on 60-inch TV.

My sister's dick looks big

on TV, okay?

Oh, my God,

this guy, Eric Gilliland...

he has bought, like,

Really?

Yeah, I think he likes

action figures even more

than you.

That is impossible.

I think so.

Andy, the way these things

are flying off your shelf...

you know, I think you

could actually make like...

maybe like $100,000.

Really?

Yeah,

you could open your store.

Wow.

Honey...

That's a lot of money.

I know.

That's incredible.

I wouldn't have done it

without you.

Thanks.

And that's not the only

good news.

What?

You know what tonight is?

Survivor is on?

No.

I know.

Is it The Apprentice?

No.

What?

It's our 20th date.

Wow.

Yeah.

Really?

Uh-huh.

Seriously?

I think we're at 18.

'Cause there were

a couple of dates there...

that don't really count

as dates.

No.

I'll give you a free pass

on those other ones.

Thank you.

Listen.

What?

Listen.

Mmm-hmm.

I really like you.

I think I'm falling for you.

I don't know. I kind of see

this going somewhere.

I do, too.

I just think we should just

go crazy on each other.

Okay.

Okay?

Oh, thank God!

Oh!

Okay, I should...

I gotta pick those up.

Don't pick them up now.

No, I have to pick those up

right now.

Wait, we'll get them later.

Listen, no, I can't, no.

Listen, it's really important

because...

once the integrity of the box

gets compromised...

This is original packaging

and that's why these things...

are so valuable.

So you don't screw with that.

You really don't screw

with that.

All right.

We can wrap them again later,

you know.

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