The 40-Year-Old Virgin Page #13

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Yeah, I know.

But you know what...

this is very important

that we don't lose

the value...

and compromise

the integrity of it.

Andy, I'm throwing myself

at you and...

all you can think about

is a f***ing toy.

They're not f***ing toys!

This is Iron Man, okay?

I got this

when I was in second grade.

Do you know how hard it is

for a kid to not open that?

This is important.

These are my things...

and you are trying to make me

sell them and I don't want to.

No.

And you're making me.

I'm not making...

You are encouraging me...

to quit my job.

I'm not! I'm not trying to...

You want me to open a store.

You want me

to sell everything.

You know what,

I'm gonna tell you something.

I don't just change like that.

I can't just change for you.

I don't... I'm not trying

to change you. I like you.

I'm just... I'm trying

to help you grow up, Andy.

Well, thanks a lot.

I mean, my God,

you ride a bicycle

to work in a stockroom.

You know what, I'm not

in the stockroom anymore.

I'm a floor manager.

Okay.

And I ride a bike

because I like to.

Einstein rode a bike.

He had a wife who he f***ed,

by the way.

What do I have to do

for you to have sex with me?

Do you want me to dress up

like Thor?

I'll dress up like Thor.

I'll dress up like Iron Man.

What do they do?

I'll do it.

What? Everything's always

about sex.

Why don't you want

to have sex with me?

Why not? Tell me.

You tell me the truth.

Is it because I have a kid

who has a kid? Is that why?

No, it's cool that

you're a grandmother.

I love the fact

that you're a grandmother.

Oh, God!

You are.

You're a hot grandma.

Oh, my God!

You are so mean! Get out!

Okay, fine. Good!

Good, fine. You're gonna go.

I didn't ask for any of this.

You asked for all of it, Andy.

Okay. Great.

[door slamming]

Okay.

That's the way

you want it...

that's the way

homie's gonna play it.

Yeah. Truth be told.

[car horn blaring]

[hip-hop music playing]

Baby, you better

enjoy yourself tonight...

'cause once this baby's born,

you ain't going out again...

till that baby is in college.

Me?

Yeah.

You the club rat. I'm not

the one that be going out.

I'm not a club rat.

You're gonna get up,

you march over there...

and I want you

to hit on Bernadette now.

Dude, I'm not gonna hit

on Bernadette.

Yes, you are, man...

'cause your depression

is boring me for one thing...

and it's actually making me

a little depressed...

which is then in turn

making me more depressed...

that you're actually

affecting my mood.

Look,

I'm not in any kind of place

to talk to a woman, all right?

I'm just... I'm fragile.

I hired her for you.

I hired a 90-pound girl

to work in the stockroom

at Smart Tech...

for you, okay?

I should have hired

a 300-pound guy...

who could lift

a 60-inch flat screen.

But instead

I hired a hot girl...

who can't lift an iPod

to bring you out of your funk.

You hired her for me?

Yes.

So will you go talk to her?

Yeah, I'm meeting somebody.

No.

Did you just flick me

in the nuts?

No.

Flicked you

in the fleshy patch

where your nuts used to be.

[groans]

Quit flicking my balls, man.

Okay, I'll stop

flicking your balls.

But I'll start punching

your nuts.

Oh!

Okay.

Well played, sir.

Okay.

Thank you.

No problem, man.

Go get 'em.

Mooj, you done

see my son...

you know his foot gonna be

bigger than this.

If that baby looks Pakistani,

don't f***ing look at me,

okay?

I wouldn't mind.

You got good genes.

How old are you? What, 138?

When your son is born,

is he already in parole?

I need some poon.

You guys were so right,

right from the beginning.

I need

genital to genital connection

and that's all I need.

You know, the thing

about relationships

is that they...

make one person go...

[gibbering]

And the other person go,

"What are you talking about?"

And then one person goes...

[gibbering]

How much have you had

to drink, man?

How much have I had to drink?

How many pots have you smoken?

What are you

talking about?

How many times have you gone

to the bathroom in your life?

Let me ask you that.

You know what, you don't have

an answer for that, do you?

F*** you, man! I'm sorry.

No, you're such a good guy,

and I appreciate you.

What's up, baby, I didn't know

you had came already.

Hey, motherf***er!

[both laughing]

Man, you know what,

tonight is the night.

You know what, you were

totally right and I was wrong.

You were right all along.

You cannot have

a relationship...

with somebody until...

you have sex

and that's the long...

That's the long

and short of it.

So, thank you.

That's good.

And now I have to go hunt

for some hos.

[laughing]

He going to be all right?

No, I don't think he is.

Cal's a good guy.

Yeah, he's a great guy.

It's so funny, because,

you know...

when I first met him

and I thought you were

cute at the store...

he told me you were gay.

I'm not gay.

Cal says that I'm gay because

he has a real problem...

with his own gayness.

But seriously, I'm going

to lay it out for you,

right now.

I was a little reticent

to come over and talk to you.

You're very pretty

and you seem very nice.

The truth is...

I dated this woman,

let me rephrase that,

I dated this whore...

who stomped

all over my heart.

And it's just taking me

a little while to kind of...

you know,

get back in the game.

Oh, my God. Say no more.

My last boyfriend Sal junior,

is a scum bag.

I would totally pay people

to have him killed.

That's how much I f***ing hate

that damn scum bag.

God, you're f***ing awesome.

You too.

Hey, you!

Hey.

Hey.

How you doing?

Much better,

now that I'm talking to you.

Hey, lookie,

I can see through your shirt.

Nice.

So, you think we should...

take this party

to my apartment or what?

I am RSVPing "yes."

Hope you have a big trunk

because I'm putting my bike

in it.

Yeah, let's go!

Mom, I left my phone somewhere

and I...

Thank you.

What's the matter?

Where is Andy?

We had a big fight, just...

Oh, Mom.

He just

stormed out of here.

What happened?

Well, I just...

Wait a minute,

I thought you hated him.

I don't hate him. I mean,

he does do magic, but...

you know, he's a big dork...

and I like seeing you happy.

I do.

That's sweet,

that's really sweet.

Mom.

Why don't you just go

talk to him, work it out.

'Cause if the thing is

that important,

you can't just stop.

Let me dance for you.

I would love it.

[music playing on stereo]

Look at your bra and

your breasts and everything.

That's so great.

Wow! You know what?

You're so hot. You're so hot.

I'm smoking hot.

You know what? I'm just going

to have sex with you.

Yes! Let's have sex.

It's going to happen.

That's why we are here.

That's totally what's going

to happen.

We could do it in the...

Butt, if you want to.

[both laughing]

But, if I want to what?

Butt.

But what? What?

Do it.

Do it?

What?

I don't know

what you're talking about.

Butt.

But...

What?

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