The 40-Year-Old Virgin Page #9

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Know why you're gay?

Because you like Asia.

You guys cool it

with the gay.

You know, she's on her way

over here, okay?

First, you relax, okay?

Just stop calming me down

and tell me what I should do.

Okay, we just take everything

that's embarrassing...

and we move it out of here.

So it doesn't look like

you live in Neverland Ranch.

Hi.

Hi. How are you?

Good.

So, you wanna head out?

Did you just

move in or something?

No. Actually I'm getting

new carpet in.

I'm having carpet

put in tomorrow, so...

Well, you know.

Yeah.

Okay.

Looks good with the floors.

Yeah.

All right.

I should tear up

the hard wood...

and see if there's

carpet underneath.

That's never the case.

This is gonna be fun.

Yes.

You know,

I drive by this place

every day.

I've never been in

before.

I'm glad you came.

You know,

I never really go out

with nice guys like you.

I think I've avoided nice guys

like you my whole life...

at my own peril.

My last boyfriend

drank a lot.

Mmm-hmm.

And so...

This is just punch.

[laughing]

No, it's okay.

A little bit's fine.

Buddha punch.

I need some Buddha.

Excuse me, miss.

Could you gather your team...

and sing happy birthday

for my daughter, please?

[singing in Chinese]

[all cheering]

That was so good. What?

That was great.

Happy birthday.

It's your birthday, too?

No.

It's his birthday, too.

No, no, no.

Could you sing for him

and bring him a cake?

(man)

Happy birthday.

[singing in Chinese]

[inaudible]

Thanks a lot.

Happy birthday, Andy.

You really like kissing,

don't you?

Yes.

[laughing]

I really do.

Take off your pants,

okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Wow, this is

really gonna happen.

Oh, yeah.

Thank God.

Okay, I'm

taking off my pants.

Yeah.

Do you need some help?

I think I almost got them.

It's hooked on my ankle.

Wow, that's...

[panting]

Hey, wait.

Do you have protection?

I don't like guns.

[laughing]

That's funny.

I have condoms

right here. Okay?

Okay.

There's, you know...

Check the expiration date

because they were from

when I was married.

And we didn't have

sex that often. That's why

there are so many, okay?

Okay.

I got them.

How does this go?

Okay. "Roll over the tip

and down onto the base."

Over the balls?

It doesn't say.

Do you mind

if I use your magnum?

Yeah.

Wow. You got to be kidding.

I am Aquaman.

What is that?

[grunting]

[coughing]

[condom bursts]

[yelps]

Mom?

[Marla exclaiming]

What's going on here?

Who the hell are you?

It's Andy.

Hi, I'm Andy.

God! What are you doing?

Marla, get the f***

out of my room!

You know what...

I cannot believe

that you're allowed

to have sex when I'm not!

That is so unfair.

I'm gonna head out.

(Trish)

You should go.

Oh, Jesus!

How many times

did you just do it?

Oh, my God!

[groaning]

I'm so sorry.

Dude, teach me.

(man)

Hotline.

Hi, yes, I'm calling

because it's more than

four hours...

and your ad said to call

if it's been more than

four hours.

How much of the medicine

have you taken, sir?

I haven't taken any,

but your ad said...

that if you've had

an erection for more than

four hours, you call.

You're only supposed to call

if you've taken the medicine.

Okay. I'm sorry.

I must not have

heard that part.

Yes. If you haven't taken

the medicine, you don't call.

Right. I'm sorry. Right.

So, there's nothing

you can do?

I just don't wanna...

There's nothing I can do.

I'm in Bombay, India.

Okay. No, not you personally.

I just don't want...

I just don't want

to have an erection anymore.

[laughs]

You know,

you could have sex.

Okay. Yup.

That's one thing people do

when they have an erection.

Yeah, that's not an option.

I don't have sex.

Okay, well,

then you can masturbate.

I'd rather not masturbate.

If you'd like the erection

to go away,

you can light a match...

blow out the flame

and put the hot ember

on your wrist.

And that will focus

the brain elsewhere...

and you will lose

your erection.

Really? That'd work?

Take your finger

and flick your testicle...

and if you do that

till it hurts...

your erection will go away.

Okay, all right.

It sounds unpleasant

and it is.

It is a trick we use

in India.

Okay, those are all

good pieces of advice.

I really appreciate it.

We appreciate your business.

Oh, no.

We didn't get your business...

No, not this time.

I guess I didn't need you

this time. Thank you.

[sighing]

[exclaiming]

[sighing]

[exclaims]

My goodness, Andy,

you are a terrific salesman.

Thank you.

Gosh, you really got it down.

Thanks.

And your numbers are good.

Thanks.

I'm going to put you out

on the floor full time.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow. Okay.

Good. We're gonna get you

a blue shirt and tie,

all right?

Great. Thanks.

You know, Andy,

I've been thinking

about your problem.

I think I might have

a solution for you.

You ever heard of the term

"f*** buddy"?

What?

It's a special friend...

who you f***.

No, haven't heard that term.

When I was a little girl,

I developed early.

By the time I was 14,

I had this body

you're looking at.

Can you imagine that?

I don't want to, no.

Well, needless to say,

a lot of male attention.

Like men, yes.

Especially from our

Guatemalan gardener, Javier.

Okay.

You know, Javier...

before he made

passionate yet gentle love

to me for the first time...

he serenaded me with

a beautiful old Guatemalan

love song.

Really, that's...

That sounds nice.

[singing in Spanish]

Okay.

My goodness.

I think we better

get back to work.

Yeah.

Yeah, I better go

back to work.

Yeah.

So, okay.

All right.

So, you mull it over

and I'll talk to you soon.

All right, I will.

Thank you.

Okay.

[gasps]

What's up, dawg?

What happened?

How was the date with Trish?

It was a disaster.

Really?

Yes. I've never been

more embarrassed in my life.

Couldn't get the

condoms to work.

And one of them

exploded on my balls.

And then her kid

walked in the room.

Wait. Hold up.

She was hiding the kid

from you, dawg?

You know what,

it doesn't matter...

because it was going downhill

straight from there.

Listen, you don't want

no baby-daddy drama.

Trust me on this one,

all right?

For all you know,

he in prison right now.

Let's say y'all

living together.

Next thing you know,

you the one going on the

to pick up the

government check.

What if he got boys

that's on the outside...

and they stalking you?

You see what I'm saying?

You got to think, partner...

What the f***

are you talking about?

Here's what you do.

You tell her you're a virgin.

You test her

with this sh*t, okay?

Here, tell me. Tell me.

This is how it's gonna go.

Tell me.

I'm a virgin.

Sweet.

I like that because

you don't have chlamydia.

And I know that,

and that sh*t is everywhere.

What if she

laughs at me, though?

Then you punch her

in the f***ing head

if she laughs.

I'm not going to

punch her in the head.

She's really sweet.

No. I mean, you punch her

in her f***ing head

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