The 40-Year-Old Virgin Page #8

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just chilled up.

Now, you really

need to be there.

It's gonna be

really, really colorful.

Are you free?

Yeah, I think so.

That was a joke, man.

I know you're free.

I'm okay.

Gotta go, man.

All right, bye.

So, tell me, Montel...

why weren't we invited

to the party?

What are we, Al-Qaeda?

No, hold up.

No, no.

It's not that kind of party,

y'all.

You're not coming

to our f***ing party either,

okay?

F*** you, okay?

First of all,

it ain't that kind of party.

Go f*** a goat.

Yeah.

Why you always telling me

to f*** a goat, man?

(Mooj)

F*** a goat!

[elevator bell dings]

[music playing on stereo]

[knocking on door]

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello. Hi.

Are you here for Jay's party?

Yes.

I am Jay's party.

You know what, hiring

a transvestite prostitute

isn't helping me, man.

What? Ain't nobody hired

no damn transvestite.

What are you talking about?

She was really nice,

incidentally.

If that sister

was a transvestite...

that was the Mona Lisa

of transvestites.

You got a hummer

from the tranny, didn't you?

You know, aren't we owed

one now? 'Cause technically

we paid her.

Get a dick, man.

Do you guys even like me?

Or is this some sort

of cruel joke

that you're all in on?

Because I'm not a freak.

I'm a good person.

I always thought

that Matt Damon was

like a Streisand, but...

I think that he's rocking

the sh*t in this one.

Shut up, Dave!

Hold up. Let's just chill

on the aggression

for a minute.

Look at him.

He is such a bad ass.

He looks

just like Luke Wilson.

Mmm-hmm.

So you saying

she was definitely a man?

Yes.

Okay, well, how do you know

that she was a man?

Because her hands were

as big as Andr the Giant's.

And she had an Adam's apple

as big as her balls.

So you have no proof.

You know what?

Just leave me alone.

Just stay away from me.

Or I'm gonna tell Paula...

that you're all stealing

the recordable CDs.

Come on.

That's like we were

paid to do it.

We did this

'cause we're your friends...

and we didn't think you have

the balls to do it yourself.

Really?

(David)

Yeah.

Okay, watch this.

Yo, Andy,

it's just CDs, man.

That's a third strike

for me, dawg.

[brakes screech]

[man shouting]

[grunts]

[bells chiming]

Hi.

Andy. Hi.

Right, yeah.

You remember my name.

I did.

How you doing?

I'm great.

I like your store.

That's good, yeah.

If you have time,

look around. It's...

Okay.

How's business been?

You know, it's coming along.

I mean, it takes a while.

Do you want to

go out sometime?

Yes.

Yes, I would like that.

That would be great.

I think I'm maybe free

this weekend,

if that's okay.

Or you could call me tomorrow

and we can just firm it up.

Okay. Great.

Great.

Okay, so I'll call you,

and yeah, that'll be good.

How you doing?

Congratulations.

Okay, so I'll... Yeah.

Can I help you?

Yeah, these are wonderful.

I'll take these.

Thanks, they are.

They're great. The goldfish

just crack me up.

Funny.

Yeah, they are.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're cute.

I don't actually

sell anything here.

I just sell them on eBay.

I don't get it.

Okay.

Can you help me?

No, you're on your own here.

Good luck to you, and to you.

And I'll give you a call.

Great. Nice to see you.

Great. Thanks for coming in.

Bye.

So, I guess I'll just

give you some money...

and you can give me

these shoes and...

You know,

I know it seems so strange...

Yes. I'd just rather buy them

from you straight up.

Yeah, I know.

I wish it could be

that easy, but...

I wish, too,

but you're making it

extremely difficult for me.

I'm just trying

to get these shoes

back to my house...

so I can wear them.

(Cal)

I got a corpse in my way.

(David)

Look out. Just kill it.

That's just so not fair

that you have blades and...

I'm telling you, man,

I feel great.

I'm so...

It's like a weight

has been lifted.

Celibacy is the

way to go, man.

Andy had it right, you know?

Look at him.

He looks younger

than all of us...

but he's 10 years older.

Why? Because he's never had

a relationship.

No she-devil sucked

his life force out yet.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Hey. Hi. Hello.

Is this Trish?

Who's calling, please?

This is Andy.

Hi, Andy.

Hi, how you doing?

I'm good. How're you doing?

I'm doing great.

(Cal)

So you're gay, now?

No, I'm not gay.

I'm just celibate.

I think...

I mean, that sounds gay.

I just want you to know

that this is the

first conversation...

of three conversations

that leads to you being gay.

There's this

and then in a year

it's like, "You know...

"I'm kind of going to wanna

get back out there,

but I think I like guys."

And then there's the big,

"I'm a gay guy now."

You're gay for saying that.

I'm gay for saying that?

You know how I know

you're gay?

How? How do you know I'm gay?

'Cause you macramd yourself

a pair of jean shorts.

You know how I know

you're gay?

You just told me

you're not sleeping

with women anymore.

You know how I know

you're gay?

How?

'Cause you're gay

and you can tell

who other gay people are?

Do you know how I know

you're gay?

How?

You like Coldplay.

You're dead.

[both groaning]

Come on.

Leave my torso alone

at least.

I also wanted to call...

and see what night

you might want to go out.

I'm actually free tonight.

Okay. Now, I was thinking

maybe this weekend,

but that's good. Okay.

(Trish)

Great.

Okay, what time

do you want to pick me up?

Let's see.

That's actually

kind of a problem

because I ride a bike.

That's cool.

Are you kidding me?

I love getting on the back

of a motorcycle.

My boyfriend in college

drove a motorcycle.

So, I mean, I'm cool.

Yeah, I bet that was cool.

I ride a bicycle.

You know how I know

that you're gay?

How?

You like the movie

Maid in Manhattan.

You know how I know

you're gay?

How?

I saw you make a spinach dip

in a loaf of

sourdough bread once.

You know how I know

you're gay?

How?

You have a rainbow

bumper sticker on your car

that says:

"I love it

when balls are in my face."

That's gay?

God damn it!

I'm ripping your head off

right now. It's off.

And now I'm throwing it

at your body.

F*** you!

You guys...

she's picking me up

in an hour.

Oh, drag, dude.

She's picking you up

from here?

Yeah.

That's f***ed up, man.

Why?

Why?

Seriously. I mean,

look at this place, man.

You gotta see this through

the eyes of a woman,

you know?

What is she going to think

when she comes in here? Look.

He's got a billion toys.

So what?

And more video games

than a teenaged Asian kid.

It's all right.

Is that the

Six Million Dollar Man's boss?

It's Oscar Goldman.

Why do you have that?

That's worth a lot of money.

That's much more valuable

than Steve Austin.

Well, that may be the case.

But none of this sh*t

is sexy, okay?

I'm not

trying to be sexy, man.

I mean, seriously, Asia?

You framed an Asia poster?

How hard did the people

at the frame store laugh...

when you brought this in?

They did not laugh at me.

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