The 40-Year-Old Virgin Page #7

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all over him.

He might be an idiot savant...

but he's not, like,

clever enough to go that deep.

But he's got a great body.

Would you f*** him?

In a New York minute.

You would f*** him?

Absolutely.

Hey, Andy, what are you doing

for lunch?

I don't know.

I have a turkey sandwich.

We're gonna go around

the corner. I think you should

come with us.

There's this great place.

A lot of cute girls.

I don't know. Okay.

We brought you a shirt.

This place is pretty fancy.

Something going on?

Hey, who's ready

to have some fun?

[people cheering]

Hey, guys...

No, don't ignore me.

I know what this is.

Within one hour,

you'll each have 20 dates.

Don't...

Please don't do this.

I saw this on Primetime Live.

All right, ninja master.

We've given you all the advice

we have to give.

Now you gonna put it

in action.

Advice? You guys all

gave me different advice.

He thinks you're a pothead.

I am.

Dude. Hey, partner.

What are you whining about?

You asked for this sh*t.

No, I didn't.

Will you just quit whining

like a b*tch?

I'm not whining like a b*tch.

You are whining like a b*tch.

And you about to cram

like 10 years of pimpage

into one day.

I don't want to cram pimpage.

And after that...

you on my level. Come on.

(Cal)

Just ask questions.

This is a bad idea.

[buzzing]

[people chattering]

(woman)

Hi.

Hi. How are you?

I'm fine.

Are you fine?

Yeah.

You're fine then?

Are you f***ing retarded?

What the hell's

the matter with you?

Do you want me to be

f***ing retarded?

[buzzer sounding]

When I look into

the eyes of the children

and the parents...

and they are smiling

and saying:

"Thank you, Dr. Montalban,

you saved my child"...

it was worth it.

[buzzer sounding]

Amy...

what are you doing here?

David.

And you are Gina?

Gina.

Hey, what's up?

Nothing.

Look, I'm going to be

real honest with you.

It's been a long time

since I've been with a man.

Spent a lot of time

with the ladies.

Looking to get back up

on that pogo stick.

You know what I'm saying?

Excuse me.

Remember that time

when we made love

and you cried in my arms?

Please don't reminisce about

the times we f***ed, please.

It's so creepy.

Let's go to Paris.

I want to take you

underneath the Eiffel Tower

and make love to you.

Cut it out.

Cut what out?

This go to Paris!

We've been broken up

for like two years, man.

I don't want to

date you anymore.

You're a whore.

I am not a whore.

I just didn't like you.

This is so us.

[laughs]

[snickering]

Psycho talk.

What?

You're a good-looking man.

Thank you.

Very pretty.

Real soft, delicate features.

You're real feminine,

you know,

which is good for me...

because that would be

a simple sort of transition.

You know what I'm saying?

Maybe throw a little rouge

on you, tuck your sac back.

You game?

No.

[buzzer sounding]

You need to stop

f***ing around

with my friend, okay?

Because you're giving

him hope, and it's driving

the man crazy.

I moved,

I changed my e-mail address,

my phone number.

He's practically

stalking me.

Well, I didn't know all that.

So, I'm sorry.

[buzzer sounding]

I love Minnesota.

(woman)

I grew up in a town

outside of Minneapolis...

with a population of, like,

Yeah, it's like

the Land of a Thousand Lakes.

What about you?

You're used to, like,

a really big city.

Really... God, yes.

The town that I grew up in

was really small. I mean...

you know, it was just so safe.

There was no crime.

I mean, a girl could just walk

from one end of town

to the other...

and just, you know,

feel completely safe.

[coughing]

[buzzer sounding]

(Jay)

You suppose he's had enough?

Spank bank has

once again been filled.

(Cal)

I'll tell you

who's the hottest.

You're gonna think I'm crazy.

Let me tell you. Gina.

Can't get va-Gina

out of my head.

Va-Gina all week.

You know what's a fun game?

Huh?

You take three

Excedrin PMs...

and you see

if you could whack off

before you fall asleep.

[sighing]

You always win

is the best part

about the game.

(Jill)

Are you Andy?

Yeah.

Is this yours?

Did you write this stuff?

My girlfriend, Jill,

found your

speed-dating card.

Yeah, right.

God, I've been looking

for that speed-dating card.

Thank you so much

for bringing it to me.

So, you actually wrote

that one girl looked like...

she was

"hurting for a squirting"?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Hurting for a squirting,

I wrote that.

So you wrote

"ho fo show."

Yeah, I remember that girl.

She was a ho.

Fo show.

Let me show you

how this device works.

Right, I'm just looking

for a cordless phone.

Yup, it's great.

You can do anything,

make video diaries...

Hey, Amy, how's it going?

How you feeling? I'm great.

I feel fantastic

since we broke up.

I feel awesome!

Can you just show me

the department where there

would be phones?

How have you been?

What's been going on...

I bet... Hey, have you been

doing a lot of this?

Sir, please, sir.

You are never gonna

meet anybody...

with that kind of mentality

about women,

you sick son of a b*tch.

Who the f*** are you

to put me on trial?

I've never even met you.

So why don't you

back the sh*t off, all right?

And stop with the inquisition.

That's how you talk?

You know what,

I don't have to answer to you.

You ain't my b*tch.

Know what I saying?

So, sh*t, man. F*** it.

You shouldn't even be

hanging out with this pervert.

I don't hang out with him.

I work with him and that's it.

I tried to introduce him

to a few nice people...

he made a fool of himself.

I don't mess with him, baby.

That's not me.

You should keep your ho

on a leash.

Bro, I can't let you...

Hey.

I can't let you be talking

to my woman like that, dawg.

Know what I'm saying?

B*tch is running wild, man.

You miss that ass?

That's the ass of a free man.

That ass is going out tonight,

maybe to a club.

Maybe to a night club.

Hey, Andy...

take a look at your pal.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, he's performing

a public colonoscopy.

Isn't that sweet?

I'm gonna send

David home for the day...

and you're gonna

fill in for him.

What? Selling things?

You got that right.

I don't think

that's a good idea.

And you're gonna have to

talk to people, too.

I know that's a frightening

concept to you...

but I think you can handle it.

So get out there

and start selling some sh*t.

...thing for Amy.

Hold it.

Check it out.

(David)

I miss her.

[music playing]

Dude, the floor's

the ultimate aphrodisiac.

All you got to do

is go make your pick now.

Come on, man.

Okay.

And you could act

a little enthused about it.

Yeah.

(Jay)

That's right. That's right.

Gazelle in the pink top.

(Jay)

Oh, sh*t.

Hi.

(Andy)

Looks like you're

checking out digital cameras.

You know what, he ain't going

to do it willingly.

No. We need to, like,

really facilitate things

a bit more.

Yo, Andy.

(Andy)

Yeah.

What's up, dude?

This is Jay, man.

Hey, Jay.

I am throwing a party tonight.

It's gonna be real mellow,

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