The 40-Year-Old Virgin Page #6

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Really look at me.

I am ugly as f***

by traditional standards...

but I get with women.

Aren't you curious

as to how that's possible?

I am not ugly as f***.

I didn't say you were

ugly as...

Well, you implied it.

Okay.

It doesn't matter if

you're ugly as f***

or you're ugly as sh*t.

It's about talking to women,

and I know how to do that...

because I observe,

because I am a novelist.

What? You never

told me that before.

That's because I am not

an arrogant prick, Andy.

Okay? The problem

most men have is...

they don't know

how to talk to women.

You know what my problem is?

I am not interesting.

What am I supposed to say?

"I went to magic camp?"

"I'm an accomplished

ventriloquist?"

"I am a seventh-degree

imperial yo-yo master."

[exclaims]

Do me, yo-yo master.

I want you to do me,

'cause you're the yo-yo guy.

Are you done? Listen.

The problem

most men have is...

they just plain straight up

have no clue

how to talk to women.

Just ask a question, okay?

That's it.

Because women do not care

about what you have to say...

at all anyway, you know.

And all they want to do

is talk about themselves.

So you're just gonna

let them do that.

Okay? So remember.

Questions, be cool,

and be kind of a dick.

Here, be David Caruso

in Jade.

Okay. I know exactly

what you're talking about.

You do. That's good.

(Cal)

There she is.

Go plant that seed, man.

Plant it with your finger.

Can I help you?

I don't know. Can you?

Are you looking

for something?

Is there something

I should be looking for?

[laughs]

We have

a lot of books.

So, maybe it depends

on what you like.

What do you like?

We have a great section of...

do-it-yourself.

Do you like to

"do it yourself"?

Sometimes. I mean...

if the mood strikes.

How is the mood

striking you now?

[laughing]

[tittering]

What's your name?

What's your name?

I'm Beth.

Andy.

Andy.

Don't tell on me,

okay, Andy?

I wont.

Unless you want

to be told on...

Beth.

Wow. That totally worked!

I literally said nothing.

And she found me fascinating.

I would've thought

you were doing that for years.

Should I have asked her out?

No. That's the key.

You wait for it

to grow into a plant...

and then you f*** the plant.

Okay.

This is easy.

All right.

Hello, Trish.

How you doing?

What's going on?

[laughing]

Good joke.

This is a fun conversation.

Just grow a backbone

and call her.

She asked you to call her.

She wants you to call her.

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

Hey, how you doing?

How you doing?

I'm well.

Who is this?

This is James.

James. Do I know you, James?

[grunting]

I was wondering whether

you had a few minutes...

to talk about

a little laundry detergent.

Are you a telemarketer, James?

Yep.

Are you at the top

of a tall building?

Can you get to a roof quickly?

Jump offl

I mean, you people are sick.

Get a real f***ing job,

why don't you?

Go shoot yourself

in the f***ing head.

Hey, why don't you just,

you know,

get a knife and run into it?

Why don't you do that, huh?

Okay.

I'll see you later, James.

Nice to talk to you.

F*** your mother, okay?

Bye-bye.

Oh.

[doorbell ringing]

Hey, man.

Got a big box of porn for you.

Can I come in?

Yeah.

[sighs]

Sweet video game chair.

So what's in the box?

It's my personal collection

of erotica.

I want to give it to you.

I think there might be

a few tapes in there

that just might open up...

Pandora's box of love.

Okay.

Amy and I,

we used to watch

Harry Twatter...

and we'd put it on

the television...

and then act it out

as it was going on...

and it was...

She's adorable.

F***ing b*tch.

Well, you know,

this is really gracious

and kind...

and generous and everything.

But I just don't want

a big box of porn

in my apartment.

There's some really

great stuff in here.

Really great movies in here,

man.

Hey, did you ever see

School of Rock?

Yeah.

Well, this is...

It's called School of...

You know...

That's nice.

But it stars Jack Black Cock.

That makes sense.

Dude, here it is.

Boner Jams '03.

It's a mixed tape I made.

All these great scenes

that I was really into

in the summer of 2003.

I think you'd really dig it.

Yeah. Now I can see that.

This is...

Everybody Loves Raymond.

That's probably

not supposed to be...

This is a good show.

I just tape it sometimes.

Well, I don't think

you understand something,

Dave.

I don't want this stuff, okay?

Because I don't do that,

that much.

What, masturbate?

Yeah.

Dude, I've jacked it twice

since I've been here.

Are you kidding me? Why not?

It's not a hobby of mine.

Well, then,

that's the only hobby

you don't have.

No, seriously,

I just don't feel comfortable

talking about...

You need to.

You're wound up.

You're like one of these

action figures...

all hermetically sealed

in your box.

You gotta play with...

Don't!

Don't take it out!

I'm sorry.

You know what, it's just...

It loses its value if you

take it out of its packaging.

I'm just saying, let it out.

Give it some air, man.

Play with it.

Take your porn with you.

I'm not taking it.

Take your box-o-porn.

It's my gift to you.

No. I don't want it.

David, it's not...

Andy, for the last time...

I don't want your giant box

of pornography.

No, no, no!

Come on, man.

So uncool.

Uncool?

Uncool is trying

to give an honest man

a big box of porn, Andy.

(David)

For the last time,

I don't want to watch...

School of Cock with you.

[Hello playing]

It's nothing official.

Just a little token

of my appreciation.

[tape forwarding]

[woman moaning]

[sighs]

Hi, Andy.

I'm gonna talk dirty to you.

I want to have

lots of sexy sex with you.

I want to touch

your big, fat noodle...

'cause I want to have

naughty intercourse with you.

I want you to put

your penis on,

I mean, in me, Andy.

I want to do lots of,

lots of sexy...

hot things with you. Sh*t.

This really isn't working,

Andy.

I don't know what to say...

because I am you.

[exclaiming]

(Andy)

Okay. New tape.

Nothing is ever good enough

and it's always our fault.

Hey, you can't speak

to your mother like that.

You do.

She's not my mother.

[traffic humming]

I heard Dave gave you

the box of porn.

Yeah, he did.

You ever watch, like,

Primetime Live...

when they take a black light

into a hotel room...

and show you all the semen

all over the bedspread?

Yeah.

You blind someone

with that box.

Could see that thing

from space.

This right here,

you looking at

the Bentley of big screen TVs.

I'm talking about,

this is the Rolls-Royce

of big screen...

[exclaiming]

Sometimes,

I think these butterflies

are in here.

I think he might be

fooling us all, though.

Really?

I actually think he might be,

like, some genius...

and this is like

some big, like, hilarious...

Like he's bored at work

and he just wanted to

kick up some sh*t...

so he told us all

he's a virgin.

You're seeing that

a lot of stuff

that's not there.

You're just projecting

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