The 40-Year-Old Virgin Page #5

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I can't believe that happened.

What you did

with you's own hand.

Man, she just gave me

her number.

That's great, man.

I'm telling you,

love is a mysterious fig.

It is.

Okay, here's a question.

When should I call her?

You like her?

Yeah.

You definitely

don't want to call her.

When is the next Olympics?

(Jay)

So what you just

got to do is...

just get you a bunch

of these hood rats...

run through them,

just knock them out.

Boom, boom, boom.

And once you've done

slayed like 20,

now you ready to go up

to the upper echelon type ho.

You know what I mean?

I'm not a big ho runner.

My uncle used to drive

a ho runner.

Screw these analogies.

What he's saying is...

you are going to be so bad

at sex the first time...

you don't want to have sex

with someone you like...

'cause they'll think

you're a weirdo for being

so lame at it.

You want to have sex

with hood rats first...

so that by the time

you get to the girl

you do like...

you're not terrible at sex,

you'll be mediocre at it.

Probably still

pretty bad, though.

(Jay)

Let's put it up for my man

for pulling that number.

Way to go, man.

Politicked his ass off.

(Cal)

You did politic.

Thanks a lot.

Like a train, round the bend.

You ready?

[clears throat]

[coughing]

Yeah.

I can't.

Do it.

I can't pee in public.

Gotta do it.

I've got a mental block

about it.

Come on, do it.

I'm shy!

[shouting]

I peed in public!

Let me out.

I can't hear

what you're saying.

I don't want to be in here.

It's a soundproof room.

Just learn the techniques.

Right on, man.

[woman moaning]

You guys, this is not funny!

[sighing]

[ringing]

Hello.

[grunting]

Hey, what you watching?

Dawn of the Dead, man.

Great.

The store is slow.

Paula's gone.

Yo, is Paula back?

No. She's not here.

She said we can't

watch this in here.

You sure?

I know.

Can I ask you something

in confidence?

I know this is gonna

sound weird.

Am I good-looking?

Do you think a woman

will find me attractive?

[snarls]

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, the blood just...

Okay, never mind.

Wait, Andy. Hold up.

Listen,

this is embarrassing for me.

This is hard to talk about.

Are you ready

for my honest answer?

Yes.

Yeah.

I think you're

a good-looking cat.

I don't think

that anybody knows it...

and I don't think

anybody can see it.

Well,

that's why I'm asking you.

You seem really well-groomed

and really put together.

I mean, look, dude.

You think this was

an accident?

All of this right here?

Premeditated, partner.

You gotta highlight

your attributes,

like a diamond in the rough.

You willing to make

some sacrifices?

Absolutely.

You see that whole

Teen Wolf thing

you got going right there?

You need to wax

that right out.

Does it hurt?

No. Waxing don't hurt.

I mean,

not unless you're a b*tch.

You know what I mean?

It didn't hurt me.

I get it done all the time.

[screaming]

What the f***!

[exclaiming]

F*** that n*gger up!

B*tch, get out of the room!

(Jay)

This is gonna be good.

This the one right here,

right?

Hi, how are you?

So this is your first time

getting body waxed?

Yes, it is.

Take off your shirt.

Okay.

We're gonna need

more wax.

I'm staying.

This is gonna be good.

And clear all my appointments

in the afternoon.

Here we go.

That feels warm.

(David)

I like your sweater.

Does that come in a V-neck?

(Cal)

She starts doing his pubes,

I'm out of here.

(Jay)

You gonna look good

after this, man.

Thanks, man.

So, ready?

Yeah.

[speaks foreign language]

[screaming]

You f***er!

I'm sorry.

That's just your job.

You want me to stop now?

No. It's okay.

Let's do another one.

That one little patch

looks sexy though.

Does it look good?

(Cal)

Yeah, it looks really good.

[exclaiming]

(David)

It looks man-tastic.

(Andy)

Okay.

Wow! I didn't expect

that at all.

I really didn't expect that.

(Jay)

You got it. The first one

is the only one that hurts.

Yeah.

Those hairs are pretty deep.

Okay.

You ready?

Yup.

[speaks foreign language]

[screaming]

Sucker motherf***er!

You shithead! I hate you!

I hate you so much!

That one hurt.

That one hurt

just as much as the first one.

That's great, man.

Man!

[exhaling]

One, two, three.

[grunting]

F*** me!

In the a**hole!

[Andy exclaiming]

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I really don't

swear this much.

You know what,

I got a weak stomach.

That's all I can really take.

I'll see ya'll.

(Andy)

Jay.

Be tough, Andy, you got it.

Where did Jay go?

(David)

He went to throw up.

Ready?

Yup.

One, two.

[gasping]

Cocksucker motherf***er!

You pulled on two.

Why didn't you

pull on three?

Freddy pie hole!

[Andy exclaiming in Spanish]

No! Kelly Clarkson!

[screaming]

[Andy screaming]

Ya'll done or ya'll...

That's f***ed up.

(Andy)

Oh, sh*t falls!

That's f***ed up.

I hate you.

Stop smiling, you jerk!

You p*ssy.

Oh, God. What's next?

You're doing the nipple.

(Cal)

Not the nipple.

Come on.

Not the nipple.

Please, Cal,

hold my hand.

You kidding me, man?

Hold my goddamn hand, man.

Do it! Just hold.

Okay, here we go.

[exhaling]

(woman)

Ready?

No. Yup.

One, two, three.

[screaming]

Nipple f***!

Mika, you should

burn in hell!

Okay, all right.

No, seriously,

I think I'm done.

I think we're done.

I think that's good.

[panting]

You know what, guys...

this is not

a good look for me!

You look like

a man-o'-lantern.

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Thank you.

[screaming]

(Cal)

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Andy,

I owe you an apology, man.

I wasn't very nice

to you for the past

two-and-a-half years.

You were nice to me.

No, I was... I thought

you were really boring and...

I kind of thought

you were a serial killer.

[laughs]

I'm not joking.

Hey!

Sorry. Shoot. Sorry, sorry.

Don't worry. There's a lot of

padding in these.

I could hurl it

off the balcony,

it would be fine.

Yeah. It will be fine.

We couldn't break this...

if we tried.

No problem.

Look, you shouldn't listen

to Dave and Jay, okay?

Those guys are crazy.

You should listen to me, okay?

Look, there is a hot-ass girl

who works right there.

There she is,

in the bookstore.

You should ask her out, man.

Something wrong

with her underpants.

(Cal)

Yeah, they're not in my mouth.

You know, I kind of...

like the woman

from the eBay store.

That's great, but...

you're not gonna

get with anyone...

unless you play

the odds on this, man.

You need to plant

a lot of seeds.

It's like this.

When I was growing pot,

I realized...

that the more seeds

I planted...

Thank you.

...the more pot

I could ultimately smoke.

I think I have all the advice

that I can handle right now.

Don't get bitter.

I'm not bitter.

I almost lost a nipple, okay?

That was Jay's idea, okay?

And I wasn't going to

say anything,

but waxing your chest is...

like the gayest thing

you could possibly do, okay?

Look at me.

Looks are not important.

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