The Adventures of Beatle Page #4

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- Thank you, Katie.

- You're welcome.

- You're so sweet.

- I know.

- [GIGGLES]

- So, Beatle.

- Hmm?

How are you going to kill me?

Um... I'm working on that.

- Oh.

- Yeah... I'll figure it out.

- You'll figure it out?

- Yeah.

- Well, let me know.

- Okay.

I told you already. I don't know

who you're f***ing talking about!

Well, my dear.

That is just really, really

unfortunate for you.

[SOBBING]

You know...

[GRUNTS]

I would imagine

that in your line of work...

physical perfection is almost

a pre-requisite.

What do you think?

Would that be a safe assumption to make?

What's that?

What, this little thing?

- [SIZZLING]

- It's just a little acid.

[CRYING]

No big whoop.

No...

No!

I'm going to tell you something,

this is only going to hurt for...

No!

Who am I kidding, this is going

to be f***ing excruciating.

No!

I want you to open

your mouth and say, ahh.

[SCREAMING]

[CHUCKLES] And now you want to be silent?

Okay.

- No! No!

- [SIZZLING]

Yeah, you know what,

that's going to leave a f***ing soar.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

[DOOR OPENS]

You want to get killed, do that again.

Okay.

[DOOR SHUTS]

You okay?

Thanks.

[SPITS]

Ew, what is that?

It's warm milk.

Isn't milk suppose to be cold?

Didn't your... didn't your mom

ever give you warm milk

when you were a kid?

I don't know, I don't remember my mom.

But I'd like to think that she's not

a complete tard so I'll go with no.

You don't remember your mom?

No. Why?

Just sad, I mean, no wonder you're...

No wonder I'm what?

You have to admit

that you're not exactly normal, Beatle.

I'm not one of the sheep.

Yeah, right, thank God.

It's like... you're all like

an army of f***ing robots.

Sad! I can't imagine living like that.

Wait, where do you get off telling me

what I'm like? You don't even know me.

I don't need to know you, you're one

of them, that's all I need to know.

As opposed to what?

As opposed to being like you?

- I'll pass, thanks.

- No. As opposed to being yourself.

Try thinking for yourself for once.

I do think for myself,

thank you very much.

You think you do, but you don't,

that's the trap.

- Say, cheese.

- [CAMERA CLICKS]

[MOANING]

Aw, this is just the before picture.

- [GROANS]

- [LAUGHS]

I got something I wanna show you.

I got it right here.

You're gonna love this.

Take a look. What do you think?

I know, I realize that's just my first

try and it needs a little improvement.

But what I need to do is...

a little something different right here.

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

What was that? I couldn't quite hear you.

Hm.

Shh...

There, there.

Now...

is there something

you'd like to say to me?

Because now would be the time.

You know where I found this little

psychotic book of horrors, Beatle?

No, I can't say that I do.

I found it in a box

with this camera in it. Your camera.

You know, if you don't

speak to me I can't help you.

Is that what you're doing here?

You're helping me?

Yeah, I'm trying to.

Whatever you think,

I'm not out to get you. Okay?

In fact, I think

you and I are very similar.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[PAN FRYING]

[WHISTLING]

Oh, good, you're up.

What? I didn't know I had all this food.

Oh, believe me, you didn't.

You... you had a can

of pork and beans, circa 1936

and a box of baking soda in the fridge.

And I gotta admit,

I was tempted by that pork and beans

because I'm pretty sure that can

showed all signs of botulism.

But then I realized as another benefit

connected with my new outlook on life.

I can eat whatever I want.

Isn't that fabulous?

So I kind of decided,

over the course of the next week.

I'm gonna try something new

every single day.

I am throwing caution to the wind

when it comes to calorie intake.

Sit, eat. I made this for both of us.

- You did?

- Of course I did, sweetie.

I may not be counting calories,

but my stomach is only so big.

- What?

- Did you just call me sweetie?

Oh, so I did. Just came out.

I decided not to edit myself.

You're gonna get a kick out of this, too.

I got all of these groceries for free.

Really, how'd you swing that one?

Flash the grocer

in the ten items or less aisle?

[GASPS] No, but I'll remember that

for next time.

All I did was fill up my cart

and walk out of the store.

About 15 people watched me do it, too.

It was like their brains couldn't

process that somebody would just.

Walk out of the store with a cart full

of groceries she didn't even pay for.

What... what's wrong, it's not good?

Uh, no I'm just not used to all this.

Used to what, honey?

Everything.

Nothing, nothing.

Eat.

Wow.

She really cared for you didn't she?

That must've felt good, right?

And now, she's cooking me breakfast,

she's calling me "baby" and "honey"

and "sweetie", and then,

last night, she hugged me.

I mean, it's all too much.

So, let me get this straight,

you came bursting into my office

claiming to have a serious emergency,

while just to go on and on

for the last half hour

about the fact that

another human being treated you kindly.

Thanks for the instant reply, doc.

Now I know you were paying attention,

but that does nothing to help me.

Help you with what?

You have a friend, that's a good thing.

You're showing a range of emotions

that far exceed the neutral indifference

that you've exhibited for years.

You're making progress.

I don't see what the problem is.

She hired me to kill her.

Oh, sh*t, we are back to this again?

She did! I have to kill her

in less than a week.

Well, I guess you should enjoy it

while it lasts then.

It's hard for you to open up, isn't it?

Why do you think that is?

I don't think, I know.

Bruce, it's been two days,

I don't think that I need

to tell you the amount of sh*t

that you will be in

if I don't get my delivery.

- Say, cheese!

- [CAMERA CLICKS]

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

Let me explain to you

what's going to happen here.

I'm gonna very slowly peel

the toenail off your broken toe.

Which will undoubtedly

jar that injury a bit,

while at the same time,

creating an all together new wound.

See the pain is basically going to be

focused on one area of your body,

but it will be

two different torments, if you will.

What I want you to do,

is I want you to tell me

if you can feel both injuries at once or

you can only feel one thing at a time.

Okie dokie artichokie?

Alright, here we go.

What can I do for you today?

- Enjoying the view?

- Oh...

Oh, come on, don't let the fact

that I know what you're thinking

- stop you from thinking it.

- Ma'am?

[CHUCKLES] You really going to

mentally f*** my brains out

- than refer to me as ma'am?

- I assure you...

- Are you Catholic?

- Sorry?

- Are you a Catholic?

- Uh, yeah, I suppose.

Okay, then do yourself a favor, Hugh.

Don't lie to me.

Okay, I mean you've already got enough

pointless guilt to wrestle with already,

don't you think?

And if you finish that sentence,

you're just gonna be in confessional

a few minutes longer than necessary.

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