The Angriest Man in Brooklyn Page #6

time had slowed.

And it occurred to Henry

that life didn't have to be a burden...

that life was short and fragile and unique.

And that each hour, each minute...

each second could have something to offer.

Something beautiful and astounding.

The fact that this only occurred to him...

seconds before he would

hit the water and die...

made him very, very angry.

Come on.

God!

Would you just come on?

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Holy sh*t! Oh, my God!

Will you help me, motherf***er!

Okay! Okay!

Ohh. Okay, you got it. You got it.

Oh.

Hey, hey. Follow my finger.

Do you know your name?

Henry.

Do you know what day it is?

I've wasted so many of them.

No. Do-

Do you know who the president

of the United States is?

Are you trying to piss me off?

'Cause I'm having a goddamn moment here.

Okay.

What time is it?

It's time to get you to the hospital.

- What time is it?

- Now, please don't get angry.

- I need you to remain calm.

- Uh-huh.

- It's not good for you to get angry.

- I know.

It's not good for your health,

for your blood pressure-

Would you please

just tell me what time it is?

Okay. Okay.

6:
03.

Thank you.

That's 19 minutes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where are you going?

Gotta go see my son, Tommy.

Okay. We'll call.

He can meet us at the hospital.

No.

What do you mean, no?

Why, no?

'Cause I have to see him first.

Okay, where is he?

Brooklyn Dance Academy, Williamsburg.

- Williamsburg?

- Yeah.

Henry, come on, you can barely walk.

Does it mean that much to you?

Yes.

Okay. Okay.

I will help you get to your son.

But you have to promise me

to stay calm and to not get angry.

And afterwards,

we go directly to the hospital.

No drama. No complaints.

Okay?

Come on.

I got you. Okay.

Right there.

Excuse us. Excuse us. Sorry.

- Move!

- Would you just be calm!

- Sorry. Mazel tov.

- Thank you.

Oh. Taxi! Taxi!

No, wait!

Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Stop!

Hey!

Okay. Okay, walk.

We're going to Williamsburg.

Kent, near Metropolitan.

- Have a good one, man.

- Yeah, you too.

Your call has been forwarded

to an automated voice messaging system.

- Henry Altmann.

- Is not available.

At the tone, please record your-

Excuse me.

We're in an enormous hurry,

so as fast as you can.

- Do you have any cash? I'm flat broke.

- Yes, some I got.

We'll make it worth your while.

And can you also please

turn the heat on back here?

Is it me or is it getting colder in here?

Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.

We're not getting much heat back here.

Why-Why are you going so slow?

It's green. The light is green.

- It was yellow.

- It's green!

No, yellow.

Like daffodil, yes?

- We gotta get out.

- What?

No, no, no. Nobody going nowhere.

You made my life bad.

You threaten me, you threaten my license,

you threaten work, and now...

Now you in my cab.

- Do you guys know each other?

- We've met.

- Jew.

- Goat herder.

- Racist!

- Ah, you-

All right, all right!

Calm, calm, calm. Everybody calm.

We-We can talk about this.

- Talk no. Kill yes.

- What?

- I will kill him. He dead meat.

- Oh, you don't have the balls!

Henry! Calm down!

- Calm this, motherf***er!

- I'm calm!

Motherf***er! Now, you dead!

No, now, you dead!

What is happening?

- Come on. Come on.

- Come on, let's dance!

Yes, we go on, motherf***er.

I am a board certified

doctor of internal medicine...

and I really don't like it

when people don't listen to me!

When I say, "Stay calm"...

I... mean... calm!

Is that so damn hard to understand?

- No, not at all.

- Then get in the damn car!

Are we stealing this cab?

Do you wanna see your son by 6:22?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Then get in the car.

You don't own a car, do you?

No. Why?

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Relax. Relax.

Relax, yeah. How?

You're just as bad as your brother.

You drove Aaron?

He didn't approve of the way

the cab driver was driving.

Well, he can be a bit timid.

He sure loved me.

I was so lucky to have

a younger brother like that.

It's a gift.

That's why I wanted two kids.

- Did your two boys love each other?

- I think so.

- In their own way.

- Yeah?

They were very different.

I-I was an only child.

It must've been lonely.

- I didn't think so.

- Really?

Now how do you feel?

You wonder who's gonna be there

when something happens.

Like dying.

Do you see this?

I see it.

Punch it.

Oh, yeah!

- Okay. Okay-

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Calm, calm, calm, calm!

Yeah!

License and registration, please.

Officer, I'm Dr. Sharon Gill...

- and this is a medical emergency-

- License and registration.

I understand.

This is my patient, Henry Altmann.

- He needs brain surgery.

- Do you have a license?

No, I don't. Not on me.

This your cab?

No. Yes!

Well, it's my uncle's.

No?

- Yeah, I got nothing.

- I got this.

- What are you gonna do?

- Tell him the truth.

Oh, this ought to be interesting.

Officer, a little over an hour ago,

this cab hit my car.

Then I went to the hospital and Dr. Gill

told me that I had a brain aneurysm...

- and I had 90 minutes to live.

- From the car accident.

No. Then I went to my office

and this guy was telling a joke...

about a man having sex with his wife

one last time, and I thought...

"Hey, that sounds like a good idea.

I'll go home and try it with mine."

I get there and there's my wife

sitting with my neighbor.

Turns out they've been shtupping

the whole time and I had no idea.

So I get out of there

and I go to Juniors...

and I invited all these people to say

good-bye to them and only one guy shows up...

and he's pissed off at me

for stealing his high school sweetheart...

- who I don't even remember!

- Calm. Calm.

So I go across the street

to buy a video camera from this nice guy.

A little bit-D-D-D-D-But still a good guy.

Not the fastest salesman.

And I give the video camera to a homeless

guy to videotape me talking to my son.

And I get a little upset

because after law school...

he decides to be a dance instructor

rather than a lawyer.

- The homeless guy?

- No, my son.

I had all these business cards printed up.

But what can you do?

I got upset and then I passed out.

And when I came to,

I jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge.

That's when she shows up.

She jumps in the East River.

She fishes me out.

That's why we're wet.

Then we got picked up

by the same cabbie who hit me earlier.

She maces him

and that's how we got this cab.

- Weird, huh?

- Yeah.

You weren't kidding

about him needing brain surgery.

No, no, no, not at all!

- Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Please step out of the vehicle.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Um... hold on. Okay.

Please This, uh-This is-

This is the hospital.

Just ask for Dr. Jordan Reed.

Dr. Jordan Reed.

- Okay?

- Okay.

This is N.Y.P.D.

You know a Dr. Gill and a Mr. Altmann?

Holy sh*t!

- What hospital?

- Maimonides.

- Follow me.

- Yes, sir.

- Try to keep up.

- I will try, sir. I will try.

Thank you so much, Officer.

- You're not gonna follow him, are you?

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