The Benchwarmers Page #3

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How the hell will this work

with three guys?

We got a pitcher, a catcher,

and a fielder.

No, you've got a retarded paperboy,

a gay video clerk...

...and a smelly midget.

You wanna dance?

I'll dance on your face.

Dance? We'll beat your ass.

- Death to you.

- Titty twister!

My wife's the only one

who gets to twist these man-titties.

I just know you guys better...

Better come ready to play!

Gus is the new Jet Li.

Bring it on!

Hey, Dad, come down

to the field, quick!

Strike one!

Strike two!

Strike three!

- Hey!

- What? It slipped.

Strike three!

Hey! What are you laughing at?

He told me a joke.

- Let's go, Richie!

- Oh, yeah.

Hey, Dad, come here. Look.

Might wanna throw a fielder

up in those mountains, in case:

- What you got?

- Strike!

Pulled something. Used to run track.

Come on, Richie.

- Strike two!

- I didn't swing at that. Can't count it.

Strike three!

Could you tell him to slow it down?

Did you tell him?

- Here you go, Clark.

- Thanks, Nelson.

You're welcome.

Home run!

Yeah! Yeah, did you see that?

All right! You hit another homer!

Howie! He just hit a home run!

Strike one! Strike two! Strike three!

Can I get you a tennis racket?

No!

Bravo, gentlemen. Bravo.

- Great game.

- Hey, thanks, Mel.

Say, guys, I have this sensational idea

I wanna run by you.

Are you free for lunch tomorrow?

I usually take lunch from 12 to 4:30,

so if it's in there I could handle it.

Tomorrow is egg salad day...

...but I guess I could

double up on lunch.

Gus, what do you think?

- One sounds good.

- Great.

I'm at 501 Shmegmer Street.

- See you then.

- See you, Nelson.

- Bye. Bye, guys.

- What do you think it's about?

- Dude, you're in trouble.

- No way.

You're definitely busted.

I didn't do anything. I swear!

- This is it?

- I always wondered who lived here.

I just thought it was Clay Aiken

or something.

- Who goes there?

- That is so cool!

It's Gus, Clark and Richie.

We're here to see Mel.

- You may enter.

- Thanks, Darth.

"Thanks, Darth."

- This place is sick, yo.

- This house must cost a zillion dollars.

Two zillion, actually.

Hey, Mel. This place is incredible.

Thank you, Gus. Gentlemen,

welcome to Chateau Shmegmer.

Shall we adjourn

to the food quarters?

Gentlemen, make yourselves

at home.

Yoda! R2!

Number 7!

Lunch is ready when you are,

Mr. Carmichael.

- Hey, Number 7.

- Don't touch me!

Gentlemen, let's eat.

Sit wherever you please.

Gentlemen, order any kind

of sandwich you'd like.

Number 7, thank you.

I'll have a peanut-butter-and-jelly

sandwich with mayonnaise.

Can I have tuna fish and Skittles...

...and pudding skin on wheat,

with the crust cut off?

I guess so.

That was radical!

All right, I got a crazy one for you,

Number 7.

I'd like a turkey on white...

He's good.

So, what's on your mind, Mel?

Gentlemen, it is time we brought

this cause into the public eye.

- What cause?

- The cause of the benchwarmers...

...the kids who warm the bench while

the others get to play and have fun.

All of us here in this room have been

excluded from athletic activities...

...and now our kids are going through

the same tomfoolery.

- Now, Richie, do you have any kids?

- Never had a date.

- Clark?

- Never spoke to a girl.

- Gus?

- My wife and I are working on it.

Well, when you do have them...

...you will know how painful it is

to see them sad.

- Bonjour, dudes.

- Hey, Nelson.

- How's it going?

- There's my man.

Son, you have a little smear

of something on your cheek.

From a dog or a cat?

I think it's a goat.

Number 7,

some assistance, please.

Thanks, Number 7.

You're my best friend.

As you are mine, Nelson.

That's so cool.

Now, this is why I wanna start

a round-robin tournament...

...with you incredible men against all

the notoriously mean-spirited teams.

But why us three?

Because you know what it feels like

to be left out.

You're three grown men

who never got to play baseball...

...because you were weird

and smelled and sat when you peed.

Okay, the last one was just me.

But you get my point.

But why would any of these teams

agree to play in this tournament?

For the prize.

- That's incredible!

- Killer!

An official-size stadium,

modeled to scale...

...after all the greatest ballparks

in America.

Like Wrigley, Fenway

and Yankee Stadium.

Nelson and his buddies have set up

websites devoted to your team.

You can go on Nerdly. Net,

TheBenchwarmers. Org...

...or Please-stop-with-the-sh*t-tossing-

it's-getting-old. Com.

Why don't you just build a stadium

for Nelson and his buddies...

...and keep everybody else out?

- That won't solve anything.

Yeah, Clark.

If we can beat them

at their own game...

...then kids like Nelson

and his buddies will get respect.

We'll do it. Come on.

Benchwarmers on three.

One, two, three.

Benchwarmers!

Can I get a napkin?

I spilled my ice cream.

On the counter.

Excuse me, sir.

Are you Gus Matthews?

Sorry. I spit a lot when I speak.

People despise me for it.

People spit. I mean, I spit

when I talk sometimes, too, you know?

My name is Sammy.

They call me Sammy Sprinkler.

Pleased to meet you, Sammy.

I'm Gus. Gus Bus.

Hey, if I come to a game...

...can I be your scorekeeper

and statistician?

- Certainly.

- Yes!

- All right. See you later, Sammy.

- You're the man, Gus. Peace out.

All right.

Who was that boy?

I'm just seeing if he might be

interested in babysitting our triplets.

- Why are you spitting on me?

- Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

This is idiotic.

Are these guys serious about

this benchwarmer crap?

- It sounds like it.

- I'm not playing in this stinking thing.

If there weren't nerds in the world,

who would we throw crap at?

No doubt. But what if we don't play,

and they win it?

They'll probably build

some weird nerd spaceship...

...and fly it to Planet Booger

or something, I don't know.

Now, guys,

it's one-game elimination.

They're as good as done.

You know what? You're right.

Let's strap it on, and beat these three

geeks, and win us a new stadium.

Let's get it on!

This green one is sweet.

Oh, all right. Okay.

We have a crowd, you guys.

Excellent!

- Crap! What is she doing here?

- Who is it?

- It's that salad chick from Pizza Hut.

- She's so hot, it's sick.

- Hey, she's with me.

- You wish.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

How you feeling?

I just destroyed that Porta-Potty,

but I'm feeling better.

Who did this?

Sorry!

Listen, I got a gift for you.

I never had my own uniform before.

We can't have a team

without uniforms.

I'm never taking this off.

This is the coolest thing ever.

This is the first game of

the tournament. Let's go out styling.

Nelson, you showed some serious

bat-retrieving skills last game.

What do you say about being

the Benchwarmers' official batboy?

- That means yes!

- All right!

Come on! What are we waiting for?

Let's kick some hairless ass!

I had hair on my ass

before I could walk.

This is it, kids.

The Benchwarmers' quest

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