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The Benchwarmers Page #3
How the hell will this work
with three guys?
We got a pitcher, a catcher,
and a fielder.
No, you've got a retarded paperboy,
a gay video clerk...
...and a smelly midget.
You wanna dance?
I'll dance on your face.
Dance? We'll beat your ass.
- Death to you.
- Titty twister!
My wife's the only one
who gets to twist these man-titties.
I just know you guys better...
Better come ready to play!
Gus is the new Jet Li.
Bring it on!
Hey, Dad, come down
to the field, quick!
Strike one!
Strike two!
Strike three!
- Hey!
- What? It slipped.
Strike three!
Hey! What are you laughing at?
He told me a joke.
- Let's go, Richie!
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, Dad, come here. Look.
up in those mountains, in case:
- What you got?
- Strike!
Pulled something. Used to run track.
Come on, Richie.
- Strike two!
- I didn't swing at that. Can't count it.
Strike three!
Could you tell him to slow it down?
Did you tell him?
- Here you go, Clark.
- Thanks, Nelson.
You're welcome.
Home run!
Yeah! Yeah, did you see that?
All right! You hit another homer!
Howie! He just hit a home run!
Strike one! Strike two! Strike three!
Can I get you a tennis racket?
No!
Bravo, gentlemen. Bravo.
- Great game.
- Hey, thanks, Mel.
Say, guys, I have this sensational idea
I wanna run by you.
Are you free for lunch tomorrow?
I usually take lunch from 12 to 4:30,
so if it's in there I could handle it.
Tomorrow is egg salad day...
...but I guess I could
double up on lunch.
Gus, what do you think?
- One sounds good.
- Great.
I'm at 501 Shmegmer Street.
- See you then.
- See you, Nelson.
- Bye. Bye, guys.
- What do you think it's about?
- Dude, you're in trouble.
- No way.
You're definitely busted.
I didn't do anything. I swear!
- This is it?
- I always wondered who lived here.
I just thought it was Clay Aiken
or something.
- Who goes there?
- That is so cool!
It's Gus, Clark and Richie.
We're here to see Mel.
- You may enter.
- Thanks, Darth.
"Thanks, Darth."
- This place is sick, yo.
- This house must cost a zillion dollars.
Two zillion, actually.
Hey, Mel. This place is incredible.
Thank you, Gus. Gentlemen,
welcome to Chateau Shmegmer.
Shall we adjourn
to the food quarters?
Gentlemen, make yourselves
at home.
Yoda! R2!
Number 7!
Lunch is ready when you are,
Mr. Carmichael.
- Hey, Number 7.
- Don't touch me!
Gentlemen, let's eat.
Sit wherever you please.
Gentlemen, order any kind
of sandwich you'd like.
Number 7, thank you.
I'll have a peanut-butter-and-jelly
sandwich with mayonnaise.
Can I have tuna fish and Skittles...
...and pudding skin on wheat,
with the crust cut off?
I guess so.
That was radical!
All right, I got a crazy one for you,
Number 7.
I'd like a turkey on white...
He's good.
So, what's on your mind, Mel?
Gentlemen, it is time we brought
this cause into the public eye.
- What cause?
- The cause of the benchwarmers...
...the kids who warm the bench while
the others get to play and have fun.
All of us here in this room have been
excluded from athletic activities...
...and now our kids are going through
the same tomfoolery.
- Now, Richie, do you have any kids?
- Never had a date.
- Clark?
- Gus?
- My wife and I are working on it.
Well, when you do have them...
...you will know how painful it is
to see them sad.
- Bonjour, dudes.
- Hey, Nelson.
- How's it going?
- There's my man.
Son, you have a little smear
of something on your cheek.
From a dog or a cat?
I think it's a goat.
Number 7,
some assistance, please.
Thanks, Number 7.
You're my best friend.
As you are mine, Nelson.
That's so cool.
Now, this is why I wanna start
a round-robin tournament...
...with you incredible men against all
the notoriously mean-spirited teams.
But why us three?
Because you know what it feels like
to be left out.
who never got to play baseball...
...because you were weird
and smelled and sat when you peed.
Okay, the last one was just me.
But you get my point.
But why would any of these teams
agree to play in this tournament?
For the prize.
- That's incredible!
- Killer!
An official-size stadium,
modeled to scale...
...after all the greatest ballparks
in America.
Like Wrigley, Fenway
and Yankee Stadium.
Nelson and his buddies have set up
websites devoted to your team.
You can go on Nerdly. Net,
TheBenchwarmers. Org...
...or Please-stop-with-the-sh*t-tossing-
it's-getting-old. Com.
Why don't you just build a stadium
for Nelson and his buddies...
...and keep everybody else out?
- That won't solve anything.
Yeah, Clark.
If we can beat them
at their own game...
...then kids like Nelson
and his buddies will get respect.
We'll do it. Come on.
Benchwarmers on three.
One, two, three.
Benchwarmers!
Can I get a napkin?
I spilled my ice cream.
On the counter.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you Gus Matthews?
Sorry. I spit a lot when I speak.
People despise me for it.
People spit. I mean, I spit
when I talk sometimes, too, you know?
My name is Sammy.
They call me Sammy Sprinkler.
Pleased to meet you, Sammy.
I'm Gus. Gus Bus.
Hey, if I come to a game...
...can I be your scorekeeper
and statistician?
- Certainly.
- Yes!
- All right. See you later, Sammy.
- You're the man, Gus. Peace out.
All right.
Who was that boy?
I'm just seeing if he might be
interested in babysitting our triplets.
- Why are you spitting on me?
- Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
This is idiotic.
this benchwarmer crap?
- It sounds like it.
- I'm not playing in this stinking thing.
If there weren't nerds in the world,
No doubt. But what if we don't play,
and they win it?
They'll probably build
some weird nerd spaceship...
...and fly it to Planet Booger
or something, I don't know.
Now, guys,
it's one-game elimination.
They're as good as done.
You know what? You're right.
Let's strap it on, and beat these three
geeks, and win us a new stadium.
Let's get it on!
This green one is sweet.
Oh, all right. Okay.
We have a crowd, you guys.
Excellent!
- Crap! What is she doing here?
- Who is it?
- It's that salad chick from Pizza Hut.
- She's so hot, it's sick.
- Hey, she's with me.
- You wish.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
How you feeling?
I just destroyed that Porta-Potty,
but I'm feeling better.
Who did this?
Sorry!
Listen, I got a gift for you.
I never had my own uniform before.
We can't have a team
without uniforms.
This is the coolest thing ever.
This is the first game of
the tournament. Let's go out styling.
Nelson, you showed some serious
bat-retrieving skills last game.
What do you say about being
the Benchwarmers' official batboy?
- That means yes!
- All right!
Come on! What are we waiting for?
Let's kick some hairless ass!
I had hair on my ass
before I could walk.
This is it, kids.
The Benchwarmers' quest
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"The Benchwarmers" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 31 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_benchwarmers_3888>.
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