The Benchwarmers Page #5

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Excuse me?

- Are you okay?

- How you doing? Yeah. Wrong pipe.

- No biggie. What's going on?

- Just returning these movies.

Hey, well, I'm the management

so I'm gonna waive the late fee.

Oh, they're not late. But thank you.

Well, anything you want

in the store is free too, so...

I'm Sarah,

and this is my brother Jarrett.

He's a huge fan of yours

and the Benchwarmers.

Cool. Thanks for cheering us on.

Hey, what does "beyotch" mean?

That's...

That means "good game"

in Swedlandia.

Well, we'll let you get back to work.

Okay. But maybe I'll see you

at another game, hopefully?

Yeah. Definitely.

- All right. See you, Jarrett.

- Beyotch yesterday.

Marty, what do you think

of my future wife?

I smell cinnamon rolls.

Oh, I smell cinnamon rolls too.

Gentlemen, check it out.

Nerd headquarters.

Never felt more comfortable in my life.

Hey, guys, take a gander at these.

We made your own baseball cards.

- Give me that.

- Let me see this.

- What?

- They got statistics.

- I hit 30 home runs.

- I got 11 foul ticks.

I have 20 eyes-closed strikeouts, five

broken windshields, six dead birds.

I'm freaking awesome!

Now listen up. Brookdale and Candia

both advanced today.

We have to beat them

to make it to the semifinals.

Unfortunately, it is on

their own home turf.

We'll have to hit the road

for a few days.

- Did you say Brookdale?

- Yeah, aren't you from Brookdale?

- Yeah.

- Oh, that's great.

We'll have a big

welcome-home party for you.

No!

I mean, it's all right.

I lost contact with everybody there.

Wait, so we're staying overnight?

Does my mother have to sign

a permission slip?

No, but we will have to change

your diaper.

Seriously, it's been three days.

Sweetheart, I have to leave town

for a landscaping convention.

You never mentioned

a landscaping convention before.

I know. This is the first one.

My ovulation schedule is delayed

because of the full moon anyway.

So it's okay.

Hey, Gussie,

imagine if we had a boy first...

...and he grew up to be smart

and sweet and handsome.

Or imagine he's only 3 feet tall...

...and everybody in the school calls

him Midget Boy or Yoda.

Then, just for fun,

they throw him into bowling pins...

...and laugh until

they pee all over themselves.

Were you Midget Boy or Yoda?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Just make some room, honey,

I gotta take a leak.

Oh, my God, you're not kidding!

Gus, stop it!

Mel is officially insane.

Oh, my God.

Right?

Gus, how sick is this?

It sleeps five and it's got Playstation.

Check out the fridge, it's full of sweets.

I'm already on my third candy bar.

- Oh, man.

- Mother would not approve of this.

That's creepy.

- What the hell is that?

- That's just Howie.

Howie? You left the house.

Good for you.

Richie told me about the killer

in the neighborhood.

He's killing anyone named Howie.

That's my name. That's my name.

Just go with it.

Let's go, boys, we gotta be

in Candia by 2:
00. Oh, FYl:

This team we're playing is notorious

for egging comic-book conventions.

Destroy them!

Howie, you're a freak.

Edgar, let's get this Gus Bus

on the road.

Game three. Benchwarmers vs.

Standard Fence at Candia City Park.

- Are we here?

- Loser!

I think we are.

It's sixth inning and the Benchwarmers

are down by one run...

...with Clark Reedy up on deck.

- Clark, hold the bat.

- Wait. Why?

- That's good.

- What are you doing?

- Oh, I see.

- It's gonna be great.

Hey, Richie! I look like a mummy!

- God, it worked!

- Clark got a hit!

- Awesome!

- The other way!

Come on, run it out!

Let's go! Yeah!

And Richie scores!

That ties it up, four to four!

I made it! I made it! Yeah!

Clark, bend down.

What the heck was that?

I mean, come on!

What a moron!

The ball gets away from the catcher!

Gus goes to second!

Go! He missed it!

Hey! What the...? Let go!

- Go, Gus, go!

- You got it!

- Come on, over here! Third!

- I got it! You got it. You got it.

Get the ball! Get the ball! Home!

Yeah!

It burns.

- Hot.

- It burns. It burns.

And the Benchwarmers win it, 5-4.

Look at all these people.

We're like the Beatles.

Or Wham! .

Get your Benchwarmers souvenirs.

Slide rules, pocket protectors,

pennants.

We got everything you need.

Welcome to Brookdale for game four.

Benchwarmers ball is on the Internet.

Coach Bellows, Gus Matthews

from the Benchwarmers.

Shake hands

and have a good game.

Matthews. That sounds familiar.

You from around here?

No.

I grew up on the North Pole.

Not even close to here.

And here's the pitch.

It's a high fly ball!

Bad news.

The Benchwarmers are behind, 2-0.

Gus is up. Clark's on third.

He smacked that one!

- No!

- Relax.

This game is all tied up.

- Richie hit a four-footer.

- Go, Richie!

Run it out! Run it out! Get there!

He's safe! He's safe! He's safe!

- Way to go! Run it out!

- He's rounding third.

Richie scores!

Clark overran third base.

Safe!

- Yeah!

Too high! Bad idea! Call 911!

That was close. Benchwarmers, 3-2.

Brookdale Glass is shattered!

- Hey, could we please leave, Mel?

- What? Oh, yeah, sure.

Gus!

Gus, maybe this'll relax you.

Fresh off the presses

of The Daily Shmegmer.

- We're on the front page.

- No way!

"Benchwarmers Get Hizzot

and Rizoll Into Semi-Fizinals."

Mel, if my wife sees this,

I'm totally busted.

Do not fret, my good man.

Number 7 is covering

Clark's paper route.

Problem solved, Gus.

Welcome to the semifinals

of Mel's tournament.

Wayne's Hardware stands between

the Benchwarmers and the final game.

Meanwhile, the nerd fans

are attempting their first wave ever.

Hey, Jerry, what's going on?

Who's this?

I wanted you guys to have a little edge

today, so I brought my friend Carlos.

He is from the Dominican Republic,

and he is one incredible ball player.

Carlos, that's great.

- How old are you?

- I am 12.

More like 1200.

Check my birth certificate.

He's legit.

You're kidding.

This is green crayon.

That's your kid?

Well, thanks a lot, Jerry,

but my team kicks ass.

- I think we'll be fine.

- Well, he's here if you need him.

- I need a refill.

- You need to go to an AA meeting.

No, really. I need a refill.

Here, hold this.

Look, a vampire.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Strike three!

It's a hit parade!

Time-out!

It's about time. You're in, you're in.

Give me that.

Come on, hombre.

We need mucho home run-o's.

- Dude, you smell like beer.

- You look like beer.

- Hey, who the hell's this guy?

- Sorry.

- Is he on your roster?

- Yeah, of course he is.

He wasn't well earlier,

so I couldn't play him.

Mi tummy es sick-o.

This guy's 50. He's got a mustache.

Not according to birth "certifico."

He's got documentation. Play ball!

Get out of here, baby!

Get out of here, baby!

Yeah!

Oh, sh*t.

Howie, listen, take this money...

...go buy beer and tequila,

and come right back.

- Don't be scared.

- I don't wanna do that.

Go, go, go.

- Nelson.

- You're all right.

Strike three!

You gotta step in the batter's box.

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