The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas Page #5

- # Lord, have mercy on our souls

# Sin is running rampant

like before the fall of Rome

# Someone is permittin' you-know-what

- # And it must stop

- # Loveless copulation

# Stop that copulation

# Loveless copulation

# Stop that copulation

# Texas has a whorehouse in it,

Lord, have mercy on our souls

# Texas has a whorehouse in it,

Lord, have mercy on our souls

# Watchdog smells corruption

and he'll fight it to the top...

Now, Sheriff, Sheriff.

Keep a grip on yourself.

- Don't get your back up!

- Stop whimperin', Rufus.

Well, if it isn't the man himself.

Would you care to give me

an interview now, Sheriff?

I'm gonna give you 30 seconds,

you fancified fart.

Get you and your chorus

the hell out of town!

Get those cameras and crap

off the street. You're blockin' traffic!

The only traffic we are blockin'

is that headed out for the Chicken Ranch.

Right, Sheriff?

Little fat buddy,

up to now you got two tickets:

One for paradin' without a licence

and the other for insultin' me.

Get that circus out of town,

or I'm gonna lock you up so fast...

...your corset's gonna pop!

- Oh, yeah?

We're within the law. As a newsman,

I have First Amendment protection.

Get this. The public has a right to know

what is goin' on out there...

...and what kind of payoff

you're acceptin'...

...to protect that notorious

house of ill repute.

First thing is, you're

standin' in Lanville County...

...which, by my figurin', is about 100 miles

west of that stink hole you call Houston.

So I can't see it's any of your business

what goes on out here.

Oh, yeah?

Please...

Number two.

You ain't the law around here and I am.

So don't be tellin' me

what my goddamn job is...

...or I'll whip your butt so bad it'll

look like the stripes on a barber pole.

- Get him, Sheriff.

- May be mean, but he's ours!

Number three.

No sawed-off little pecker is gonna

accuse me of takin' a bribe and live...

...cos I wear the badge

in this goddamn county.

So you listen and listen good,

you over-padded, televising turd!

If I ever see you or any of those bastards

that work for you in my town again...

...I'm gonna knock you so flat

you'll have to roll down your socks to sh*t!

- That's tellin' him, Sheriff!

- My goodness!

So get outta here, you goddamn

wig-wearin', citified son of a b*tch!

Move, you schmuck!

Move it! Come on!

Get outta here!

Move this thing!

Come on, move this thing!

I'll get you for this. You son of a b*tch!

You'll pay for this.

You're in trouble, Sheriff!

You're in big trouble!

So long, partner.

Boy, you sent him hightailin'.

I was so proud of you!

- Didn't I?

- Yeah.

- Look at them stars.

- Mm.

There ain't nothin'

prettier than a Texas sky.

Ain't that the truth.

- Hey! Did you see that shootin' star?

- Mm-hm.

- That could've been a spaceship.

- Yeah.

- You believe in spaceships?

- Sure.

I saw a picture once. Them fellas

that's supposed to be from up there.

Tiny little fellas, bald-headed.

Little feet, little hands, got no peckers.

Got no peckers?

Well, I ain't interested.

I don't think my girls would be either.

When I was little,

I used to imagine a flyin' saucer...

...swoopin' down and pickin' me up

and takin' me off to heaven.

- Like the angels.

- Mm-hm.

"I looked, and behold, a whirlwind

comin' out of the north. "

"And out of the midst of the fire came

the likeness of four living creatures. "

What you talkin' about?

That's what the Bible says

about spaceships in Ezekiel.

- Don't you know nothin' about the Bible?

- Yeah!

I just don't know nothin'

about no Zekiel in the Bible.

I knew a Zekiel Peebles

once in the eighth grade.

Think I busted his jaw.

- Well, that was very christian of you.

- Well, most of my family was Baptist.

I never stayed with one family long

enough to become anything in particular.

But I read the Bible.

I believe in Jesus.

I think Jesus was a...

was a real good man.

And he was a heck of a speaker.

Yep. I knew a woman once

that had a vision of Jesus.

He came right into her house,

set right down at the foot of her bed.

Mm?

I don't know what I'd do

if that happened to me.

I'll tell you something. If Jesus comes to

your house, all hell's gonna break loose.

You got a point there, Ed Earl.

But Jesus was really good to

Mary Magdalene, the fallen woman.

He was always bein' very sociable.

He went to this big weddin' once,

and they ran out of wine.

You know what he did?

Turned the water into wine.

Well, that's a man that knows

how to throw a party.

Now, don't be sacrilegious.

I'm not. I'm not.

He forgives me.

- He knows I was kiddin'.

- I know he forgives you.

That's funny, how God can forgive you

and people can't.

- Now, why is that?

- Well, because people are not very godly.

I know. I know.

Yeah.

What is it?

Melvin P Thorpe is a sorry son of a b*tch.

You reckon he's gonna

run for the legislature?

Why?

I never told anybody this, Mona.

I was thinkin' of runnin'

for the legislature someday.

- Are you serious, Ed Earl?

- Yeah.

They say an honest man can't be

elected in this country any more.

But I don't believe that.

This is a good country.

I believe I could win.

Well, you got my vote.

I might even go register.

Boy, I sure didn't know

you had dreams that big.

- People really do like you, though.

- They like you too.

- Really?

- Sure.

You ask anybody in town.

Say "How do you like Miss Mona?"

They say "Shoot, she's a fine woman. "

"Fine, friendly and nice. "

I always just thought

if you see somebody without a smile...

...give 'em yours.

- I like that.

I like that.

Think I'll use that as my campaign slogan.

"If you see somebody without a smile,

give 'em yours. "

I'll have that printed up on a card.

Oh, you're kiddin' me, you smart ass.

I had a dream once.

Yeah?

- I'll tell you if you won't laugh.

- Oh, I won't laugh.

Well, I used to dream

of bein' a ballerina.

Now, Ed Earl, I ain't tellin' you nothin'.

- Well... A ballerina?

- Yes, a ballerina!

Well, I think that's wonderful. You still

could be a ballerina if you wanted to be.

- Don't be ridiculous!

- No, you could!

Go into training.

Just start jumpin' up and down.

Me? Jumpin' up and down?

I'd black both my eyes.

I couldn't now. I'm too top-heavy.

I have a hard enough time balancin' these

things now, without gettin' on my toes.

- You know somethin'?

- What?

You know that, uh... I don't see

anybody but you any more.

Course, you can't say the same, can you?

I haven't been to bed with another woman

besides you in three years.

You didn't know that, did you?

No, I didn't know that.

Nothin' better, once you've had the best.

- Hey, I like that.

- I thought you would.

Reckon if I was to run for the legislature

I could put that on my card?

Up next, Melvin P Thorpe continues

his expos of the Chicken Ranch...

...with a violent demonstration

in the Gilbert town square.

Great God from Goldsborough!

Yeah?

Ed Earl, you better turn on channel four.

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