The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas Page #6

That Melvin P Thorpe idiot's

got you on TV again.

Well, I don't give a sh*t, Rufus!

It's all very well to take

that attitude, Ed Earl...

Honey...

Put on the television there. Channel four.

That Melvin P Thorpe is

shootin' off his mouth again.

What could be so goddamn important?

Calm down, Rufus!

It can't be as bad as all that.

What happened to me as an individual

is not important.

Is this the kind of man we want

runnin' our law enforcement?

Is this the kind of foul-mouthed example

we wanna set for our innocent children?

Run the film.

Number three.

No sawed-off little is gonna

accuse me of takin' a bribe and live,...

...cos I wear the badge

in this county!

So you listen and you listen good, you...

If I ever see you or any of those

In my town again,...

...I'm gonna knock you so flat you'll...

Ed Earl, that man

has made a fool out of you.

I've had calls from preachers, deacons

and the presidents of two garden clubs!

Thank you for callin'.

The phones have been ringin' all mornin'.

Sheriff's office.

I don't know why I serve as mayor

of this incorporated sand trap anyway!

- What in the heck is keepin' him?

- He'll be along.

- Well, he'd better!

- My wife couldn't believe what she saw.

They bleeped him, but she read his lips

on every "hell", "goddamn" and "sh*t".

There's some folks gettin' up a petition

to close the Chicken Ranch.

All we wanted to do was keep it quiet.

Now, thanks to Ed Earl, it's the hottest

thing on the air since the Gong Show.

I'll tell him you called.

Mornin', Sheriff.

- Mornin', Rita.

- Here's your calls.

- Reckon you fellas are waitin' for me.

- We sure are!

You don't know the trouble you've caused!

Dad-gum it, Ed Earl!

If you ain't a pluperfect fool!

You may be right. I got over a dozen

messages here from outraged citizens...

...tellin' me we got a whorehouse

in Lanville County.

Only been one here for about 150 years.

Ed Earl, you can set up speed traps

to catch the tourists.

You can look the other way when

a kid swipes a car to go joyridin'.

You can even let Miss Mona run her place!

Broadcast gutter talk on TV.

- I didn't know they was takin' pictures.

- What were the cameras for?

Damn it, CJ! You pious pissant.

I don't have one tenth the trouble

from Miss Mona's...

...that I have from one of your

stag parties at the legionnaire hall.

- That ain't fair.

- There's just one thing to do.

Close the place before we all

go to hell in a handbasket.

Close it down!

She was just fine as long as

she was makin' civic contributions...

...but the moment her luck ran sour,

you want to run out on her.

Run out on her like rats

from a burnin' barn!

That's just it, Ed Earl.

Who's gonna put out that fire?

Look, if you won't close her down,

tell her to lay low!

Yeah. Just until the heat

wears off a little bit.

Give it two months.

What's two months?

Nobody tells me

how to run my goddamn job!

And nobody gives me advice!

I'll do things my own way.

I'm gonna make up my own damn mind!

Two months.

What's two months?

Shut down for two months!

That is a hell of a lot

to ask somebody, Ed Earl.

And that's a hell of a lot of overhead

to pay out when cash ain't comin' in.

- What will I tell my girls?

- Well, maybe it won't be two months.

The holidays are comin'. Maybe in a week

or two the whole thing will blow over...

I warned you yesterday about

losin' your temper and carryin' on.

- Last night you was proud of me.

- Last night I wasn't on the 11.00 news!

I didn't know that son of a b*tch

was gonna make an idiot out of me.

I don't know about that electronic bullshit!

How was I supposed to handle that?

That's your job, Ed Earl.

Ain't that what they pay you for?

I know my job! Don't be tellin' me

what my goddamn job is!

I could close this place down

in a New York minute!

All I'm askin' for is a little cooperation so

I can get through a difficult situation...

...with as little trouble as possible!

- OK, OK! I'll shut it down.

- You will?

- What do you want? A written contract?

- You promise?

- Ed Earl, I am givin' you my word.

I'm sorry, Mona, about the whole situation.

Don't feel sorry for me.

I started out poor

and I worked my way up to outcast.

I know what I'm askin' is gonna turn out

to be the best thing for both of us.

Just trust me.

You know what burns my ass?

- What?

- A flame about three feet high.

Of course I trust you, you big cowboy.

Ain't I always?

Mm-hm.

No need to stop now.

Now get outta here.

Everything's gonna turn out just fine.

Don't you worry about a thing, honey.

Everything's gonna turn out

slicker than cat sh*t...

...on a linoleum floor.

Well, if it ain't the celebrated

cussin' Sheriff of Lanville County.

- How are you, Sheriff?

- I'm fine. How are you, Porky?

Oh, Sheriff! I been real good all week.

I've lost six pounds.

Oh, yeah? Well, don't take nothin'

off them cheeks.

Oh, go on.

Whoa!

Well, Jewel, I just promised the sheriff...

...that we're gonna shut down

for two months.

What? How can you promise that?

What about the football game

celebration tomorrow night?

- I forgot all about that.

- It's the Thanksgiving game.

- That's real special.

- I know, Jewel!

I don't know what to do now.

I did promise.

You think, if we close the doors, just

went on as planned, that'd be all right?

I'm sure it will, honey. That party

is a bigger tradition than the game.

65,000-plus on hand

here at Kyle Field...

...and we have seen

an amazing ball game.

Texas A&M heavily favoured,

but we're tied 12-12.

Aggies have the ball, second down

at eight. Time is winding down.

They try the middle of the Texas defence

and again the break is stopped.

- This University of Texas defence...

- Whoo-wee!

Whoo!

String up the white. We'll see who wins

and put up the orange or the maroon.

Yes, ma'am.

- I can't stand it if them Aggies win.

- What do you mean?

They're such animals. Always yellin'

and jumpin' about and sayin' "yee-ha".

They have to go for all the marbles,

they will have to throw right now.

Time running out. Miller rolls to the right.

Pass! Touchdown!

Yahoo!

Hell! That calls for a drink.

Don't let your mother see you.

- Well, who won?

- The Aggies.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Yee-ha!

Yee-ha!

Yee-ha!

Hey, boys!

All right! Hey, boys!

Boys, boys! That was

the greatest victory...

...since General Eisenhower won!

Senator, you ain't forgot you was gonna

take us to the Chicken Ranch, did ya?

- Yeah! How about it?

- I always keep my campaign promises.

The Chicken Ranch is a fine institution

and I'm proud to have it in my district.

And to hell with what

Melvin P Thorpe says.

I'll see all you seniors out at Miss Mona's.

# We're gonna whomp and stomp

# And a-whoop it up tonight

# Those little gals won't

never ever be the same

# They're gonna love it

when we whomp and stomp

# And a-whoop it up, all right

# It's even better than

an Aggie football game

Better than a football game?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes