The Best Man Holiday Page #3

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you know... A book!

Non-fiction

is not my thing.

Besides, you could get any

biographer you wanted, right?

Yeah, but that

doesn't interest me.

People only know what

I want them to know.

Well, that's what they do. You

can't blame them, you're a star.

Well, everybody's

got a job to do.

As long as we stick to

football, we're straight.

Hello, hello!

Hey!

Merry Christmas!

Thanks for coming.

Robyn, stop it.

I'm just saying, Jordan's good

people, you should get to know her.

What's to know? She's career-obsessed

and lives on her BlackBerry.

True, but she's not some ideal

from a piece of fiction.

Julian.

Brian. Nice to meet you.

Good to see you again, Harper.

Now, her man, on the

other hand, is iconic.

Mmm. If I went that way,

that's what I'd get.

A tall, vanilla swagger latte.

I like, I like, I like.

What did...

Hi, baby!

Busted!

What's wrong with you, man?

Not now, Quentin.

Not now.

No, dude, you've

been tripping all night.

Don't...

Come here. Come here!

Hey, Candace!

You look gorgeous.

Thank you, girl.

Thank you so much.

Hi.

Hi, Robyn. How are you?

Hi, Jordan.

How's it going in there?

It's going good, no complaints.

That is going to be a big baby.

I mean, beautiful baby.

Everyone?

I can't tell you

how good it is to have

all of us under

the same roof again.

And Brian, welcome.

Thank you for having me.

I wish it could be

for the whole weekend.

Oh. Where are

you guys headed?

Oh. It's just him.

Oh.

My family's got

a place up in Vermont,

so we always get together

this time of year.

Ski, hang out by the

fireplace, stuff like that.

That sounds really nice.

Yeah, the snow and I just don't

really get along, do we?

Could have fooled me.

Ah!

And Brian and I are going to

Hawaii the day after Christmas.

Oh, you have to stay at the Four

Seasons in Maui. Honeymoon suite.

And which honeymoon was that?

My next one.

So, Lance, y'all making

the playoffs this year or what?

Yeah, that Atlanta

D is pretty tough.

It is tough, but we will

definitely make the playoffs.

Okay, all right.

And what about

that rushing record?

How many more

yards is it to go?

Really? We're gonna talk

about football all night?

Oh. I am so sorry, Shelby.

Please, fill us all

in on the scintillating

world of mudslinging

housewives.

- Candace.

- "Scintillating. "

Mmm. Such a big word.

Just like the TV show.

Mmm-hmm.

One hundred seventy-six.

What?

Yards for the record.

Right, Lance?

Right, yeah, 176.

Right.

You remember your

first pro yards?

Oh. Okay, I'll just leave.

Why don't you hop on that broom

and fly back out the window?

Quentin!

So, Murch, how's the

fundraising going?

Oh, uh...

We ran into a snag this week.

Really?

Mmm-hmm.

Is it Elliot?

Yeah, he's not

contributing this year.

Elliot Gibson,

the philanthropist?

Isn't he a bit

of a morality nut?

Yeah! Yeah, that's him.

My God.

Did he say why?

To hell with him, man!

We got you.

What's his usual contribution?

Two million.

Oh, hell no.

Murch, if you need anything,

just let me know.

No, no, no!

You sure about that?

You guys have done

more than enough.

Thanks.

I can handle this.

Listen, I have

a fabulous weekend planned.

And after dessert,

it's pajama time!

You know I like to sleep naked.

- Oh, God.

- Quentin.

So, about those yards, Lance.

You remember your first...

I'm sorry, can I trouble

you for the bathroom?

Of course.

Lance, could you?

Yeah.

Mmm mmm mmm.

Look at her. That waddle

brings back nightmares.

All of you men need to do your

wives a favor and get snipped.

Jesus.

You too, Robin Thicke.

Yeah, I said it.

Mia, do you have some Prosecco?

Where are those people?

Hello? Excuse me?

How did this Elliot guy

find this in the first place?

How do I know?

Is he a porn watcher?

First of all, it's not porn.

Well, I'm getting

a little excited.

Cut it out.

Get your hands off.

And 165,328,

29, 30 viewers say otherwise.

You're not making this better.

This is getting me

a little excited.

Stop it!

So, the girls are down.

Oh!

Don't you guys

look cute in your PJs!

Yeah.

Yeah, nice.

Hey, um...

We're going, right, Murch?

Oh. We were gonna go hang out with

the fellas. You don't mind, do you?

Oh. No!

Please, they got 900

channels up in here.

Plus, me and Robyn are gonna sit up and

talk about people, so...

Perfect.

Talking about people.

Oh, um, babe,

can I use your phone?

Because I can't get

a signal up in here.

My Cell?

The one I'm holding?

In my hand?

Yeah, stop!

Would you hand me that?

Are you sure that

he just smokes weed?

Are you happy?

Yes, very.

And thankful.

Whatever you want, baby.

I want you to be

a little nicer.

I thought I was being nice.

To everybody.

All right.

You're doing a bio

on Lance, aren't you?

What?

Oh. Harper,

please don't play dumb.

It belittles both of us.

So this is what you've

been strategizing about!

Uh. Yeah, yeah.

What do you think?

I think it's brilliant.

Have you asked him?

No, I've got to

figure out an approach.

You already got him with

that first yards question.

Just brush off those journalistic

skills and get in there.

You've got to convince him that

he needs to tell his story.

Well, that's a lot

easier said than done.

Well, just keep talking to him.

And you know what?

If you need me to,

I can work on Mia,

because you know

he'll do whatever she says.

All right, cool.

So, where's the thrilla in vanilla?

So, slim.

Is Jordan your first safari

into the enchanted jungle?

Is he serious?

How do we know that this ain't

some Django Candyland fantasy?

Come on, man. I've

dated all kinds of women.

But Jordan is pretty special.

I'm surprised she got

past all of you guys.

Who says she did?

He's just

messing with you, man.

Okay.

Ain't nobody here

been with her, man.

Not that there

wasn't an attempt, though.

What?

Oh, really?

Why would you say

something like that?

I didn't even look at you!

Shut up, Murch.

I'm watching TV.

Look, man, honestly,

we're brother and sister.

For real.

Come on, man, no worries.

It's all good.

I'd have to be

a b*tch to be concerned

about her past

like that, right?

I like him.

Do you think

Brian is going to pop

the question when

you guys get to Hawaii?

No, I don't think

we're there yet.

Armstrong, you are

such a commitment-phobe.

No, I'm not a

commitment-phobe.

I just don't do it

as often as you do.

Oh, touch, b*tch!

Jordan, this is the longest

relationship you've ever had.

Why are you being so defensive?

I am not being defensive!

So, what is it?

I just don't know

that I'm ready to...

Give up the big, black dick?

Can I get an amen

on the big, black dick?

Big, black dick.

It's big, it's black.

It just goes in your

mouth, in your ass.

You want to talk to it like it's a mic.

"Check, check. "

Oh, don't hate.

Emulate, b*tches.

You've got to talk to it.

Oh.

Hey, man, do you guys

want me to step out?

No. See that, Murch? You can't

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