The Bet Page #3

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Maybe those a**holes

were right.

F*** yeah we are.

Get up, man.

You got chicks to do.

Wait a minute, what is Scott

Quaker doing up there?

You're gonna

laugh at this.

He's actually one

of your dates.

-No! No, no.

-Okay, look!

For two of the dates you

only have to kiss.

It's supposed to

be twelve girls.

You and Snot Shaker were

inseparable in the third grade.

Everybody knows you

had a crush on him.

Lucas wouldn't budge.

I didn't have

a crush on him.

Listen, guys didn't even

like girls in the third grade.

I loved p*ssy in

the third grade.

Ask Wiggins.

Yeah, it was pretty gross.

Here's the docs here

for your first date.

We pick the

sluttiest one first.

Seventh grade,

Haley Matthews?

I haven't even talked to

her in like fifteen years.

Surprise again.

You've actually been talking

to her all day online.

We told her you ride a

Harley though because

she's into bad boys.

You sold me as a bad

boy to Haley Matthews?

How am I actually gonna

impress a girl like that?

This, Denton, clearly

isn't doing the trick.

F*** no.

But, I mean, what's

wrong with me?

I'm fine, right?

Okay, I guess I'll start....

You don't put any

product in your hair.

You're always talking

about bands that

no one's ever heard of.

Like I'm sorry, guys, but

who the f*** is Black Sabbath?

Yeah, man. You live

in a garage.

Wiggins, you live

in a garage with me.

Yeah.

You're gonna have

to shave your shaft.

Your taint, your grundle,

your satchel page.

You gotta be as bald as

a Scandinavian turtle.

It's gotta f***ing shine.

I gotta see my face in

your right nut, man.

Look, I'm dressed like a

Crip's stepfather right now.

Does it matter?

No, because I'm confident.

You just gotta be

confident in who you are.

Or in this case,

who you are not.

Look man, I get it.

You're in a rut.

Are you gonna do

something about it?

If you're not gonna

do it for you...

Alright, let's do it.

-F*** yeah.

-Nice.

Hi...

I'm sorry, is

this 264 Pacific?

Denton!

-Hi.

-Hi, Hailey!

My god, you

look so great.

You look, I can't tell.

I know, right? I mean,

who would've thought?

Not me.

Where's your Harley?

Yeah, it's in the shop.

Seat's broken.

Well, we're

all ready to go.

We?

Rolling Rocks tonight, baby!

My therapist thought it

would be a good idea if I

had a major life change.

So here I am.

This was...

This is a big one.

Yeah, started a pretty sweet

softball team with my buddies.

My dad's building a

woman out of Legos.

I sell my sperm

at a sperm bank.

I thought you were

a cage fighter.

Yeah.

Here's the interesting

part of the story.

Well...

The best part of the story

is coming right now.

I was living in this

apartment and there was

this old Asian

handyman who taught me to

paint fences

and wash cars.

Stuff like that.

So you know what?

I was like, this sucks.

Being a teen with problems

and no direction, this is

not the life I want.

But you know, turns out he

was a martial arts master

and he taught

me a few things.

A blonde kid with

feathered hair gave me a

rash of sh*t and

I was like...

Let's enter a tournament

together of karate.

And I craned kicked

him in the face.

And that sorta thing just,

you know, naturally leads

to cage fighting.

That's so cool.

Yeah.

What's your

finishing move?

Finishing move,

finishing move is the...

head butt to the nuts.

Yeah, I get a handful of

those nards and just

boom, boom, boom, boom.

Six or seven times...

So you have a girlfriend

or a wife or something?

Nah, I don't need the ag.

You know?

Yeah, it's just my

chopper, cage, and tats.

Tattoos?

Yup, yup.

Yeah, it's a

full back piece.

Yeah, hour's work.

It's a yakuza tattoo.

Yeah, but instead

of a samurai,

it's Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Squat thrusting Mars.

I've got to see that.

Sorry, I can't, baby.

No, can't do it.

What?

Yeah, it melted off in

the explosion when I was

escaping the state pen.

My god, that is so hot.

What is it?

The sisters warned

me this could happen.

What? What could happen?

Sisters.

I will never forget the

time we've spent together.

Your life lessons and

blessings will stay with

me all the days

of my life.

Unfortunately, the

exorcism performed on my

devil p*ssy has failed.

I want you to f***

me until I tap out.

Holy sh*t.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah!

Your knee's on my neck.

I'm sorry.

Eleven to go, boys!

-Yes!

-Yes!

Nice.

Details, details, details!

It was not real.

She did like porno stuff.

Of course.

Butthole?

Yours?

Butthole, butthole,

butthole, butthole,

butthole, butthole!

Yeah!

Big D's gonna go big

over all you b*tches.

It's everywhere.

It's in your mouth.

It's in your

f***ing mouth.

I would tongue

kiss Leo DiCaprio.

What are you saying?

He has supple lips, it's

possible that whenever...

D, straight up

now tell me.

Did you really f***

clap trap Matthews?

That's disgusting.

Hope you double

bagged it, man.

But because I'm a

gentlemen and a scholar,

I got you a little present.

Rain jimmies

on this b*tch.

No. Come on.

Just stop it.

Hey, gram this.

I wanna keep it.

Hashtag blessed.

Hashtag clean these

up you f***ing idiots.

Wiggins, hand me a condom.

Brussel sprouts or

Thai Sweet Chili?

Thai Sweet Chili.

Alright, guys.

Let's throw some greenery on

that scenery for Destiny.

Welcome to church,

gentlemen.

Remember, Ed said smart

girls want to be hot and

hot girls want

to be smart.

What the f***

does Ed know?

He's home with his wife.

You must be really good at

math to be able to count

up all those ones.

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, it can be really

hard to keep track of

especially if people throw in

fives when they really like me.

That's a valid point.

Did you wanna

get a lap dance?

They're two for

one right now.

That means that you get

two lap dances, but you

only pay for one.

You are good at math.

That's...

I would love one.

Two.

I've just received news

from the other side.

The dark lord has special

instructions for us.

No, how's he doing?

He's well and says

thank you for asking.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

I'm getting a message from

the dark lord himself

right now.

What news does he bring?

He says that we should

consummate our unholy

tryst on this unhallowed

ground this very eve.

-He does?

-Mhm, yes.

Yes, he does.

Then you must be

the chosen one.

I am totally that guy.

Then we must commence

this ritual immediately.

Okay.

Here, put this on.

The neighbors are always

complaining about the noise.

It'll just take a minute.

Don't worry.

It only hurts

a little bit.

You ready?

You ready?

Let's go.

Carly.

Carly.

Hey.

That's a big dragon?

These are big sharp teeth?

What does he say?

-Rawr!

-Rawr!

Excuse me, sir.

Can I help you

with something?

No, I'm just checking

out this hot chick.

You know what?

No, no, I love kids.

I don't love...

They love...

Sh... Hey!

Hi.

My god, Denton?

- My god.

- Denton Baker?

From Abrams

Elementary, right?

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