The Bet Page #4

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Yeah, Amanda Morrison.

Look at...

You got tall.

You're, you're big.

God, that is crazy.

I can't believe you still

hang out with those guys.

What is Jackson up to?

Jackson thinks he's

a personal trainer.

-Wait, what?

-Yeah, yeah.

He got in shape?

No, no, he did not.

He just he works the

graveyard shift at the

24-hour gym.

So like one person comes

in and he's like I'm

personally training them.

Okay, that makes

more sense.

Yeah.

What about you?

What have you been up to?

Where are you working now?

I got into

cage fighting.

Really? Cage like...

No, you didn't.

Seriously, where

are you working?

Actually I'm in

the movie business.

That's even worse

than cage fighting.

Well, it's kinda true.

I still work at

Video Fun Time.

Really?

Still?

Yeah.

Well, not for much longer

actually because the Lucas'

bought out the building for

their gourmet condom business.

That is...

-That's disgusting.

-Yeah.

Well this is me.

So super cool bumping

into you, Denton.

You know what?

Would you wanna continue

this conversation sometime?

Nope.

Is that a...

-What...

-Yes.

Yeah, I'd love to

catch up some more.

Cool, cool.

How's 8 tonight?

Is that...

Yeah, sure!

We can get that

cup of coffee.

Cool.

Here, let me...

Meet me here.

Stop looking at

my cock, man.

I'm not.

You're peeing on

the bathroom side.

I'm doing dishes

on the right side.

Where the f***

have you been?

Well I'm sorry,

Schwartzkopf.

I was busy playing

stalker at the daycare.

In fact, I'm lucky I

didn't get arrested.

Yeah, that

Morrison chick.

How's she looking

nowadays?

Great, yeah.

She seems really

cool, too.

Yeah? How'd you hit that?

HJ?

No, I did not.

You know, BJ?

No.

- FJ?

- Get off me.

Did you get one

of those FJ's?

I did not get...

I didn't get an FJ.

I didn't have quite the

time that I needed.

I couldn't close the

deal, but right now,

I'm actually going

to see Amanda.

But this is a

mandatory meeting.

You can do this

one without me.

I swear to god, you're

doing amazing work.

Goodbye.

Denton, remember to be the man,

you have to beat off the man.

It's beat the man.

If you want to be the man,

you have to beat the man.

You don't wanna

beat him off.

Yeah.

But do you remember

that story that

you got up in front of the

entire second grade class

and you read it out

loud to everybody?

Yeah.

I can't believe

you remember that.

Of course I do.

Donny the Lucky Donkey.

Actually it was the Donny,

the Down on His Luck Donkey.

How come? How did you

never get married?

Well my dad was in the

coast guard so we moved

around a lot when I was a kid

and then I guess after I got

my teaching degree, I carried

on the family tradition.

So you're saying

you're a gypsy?

No, I'm not a gypsy.

Sounds like what

a gypsy would say.

No, my girlfriends are all

getting married and having

kids and I'm just happy

that I've finally found a

place to settle

down and write.

So you're a writer?

Well I'm writing a book.

It's a self-help book

about how parents aren't

really instilling enough

self-confidence in their

kids and the affect that

it has on them later on in

their adult lives.

What about you?

It's hard to go out and

date when you're living in

a garage with your dad.

That's hysterical.

God, you're

really serious.

Kinda.

How did that happen?

God, I thought your dad

was a successful inventor.

Well he was until his

greatest invention was

stolen out from right

underneath him.

What was it?

Gourmet Condom.

-No!

-Mhm.

Wait, how did your dad

even come up with the idea

for a gourmet condom

in the first place?

I don't wanna do this.

See, we're

having a coffee.

It's a really

wonderful time.

I don't wanna

screw anything...

Come on.

I can't go back.

You know, once I say

it, it can't be unsaid.

I dare you.

Bring it on.

Let's go.

Gross me out.

Well before I was born, my

parents went on this kind

of zany, wacky diet where

they couldn't eat anything

after midnight.

My mom goes off to the

other room to put on

something a little

more comfortable.

My dad seeing this as an

opportunity to cheat on

the diet, grabs BBQ

chicken wing and starts

mowing down on it.

The fray of all of this,

he gets the chicken

drippings all

over his junk.

F***.

My mom sneaks in, surprised

the hell out of him.

They're in a position where

they're going to have relations.

Phillip, you

taste delicious.

And my mom doesn't

seem to mind it.

I know.

His wheels starting turning

and the rest is history.

My dad doesn't know how to

balance a checkbook, let

alone run a company.

So Mr. Lucas

offers his help.

In the interim,

my mom gets sick.

Lucas says, you know what?

Don't worry about it.

While you're gone, I will

get this business started

and running.

So we're watching TV

a couple weeks later.

And there's an ad for

Lucas' gourmet condoms.

Didn't you guys get

a lawyer? Anything?

We got a lawyer,

we tried to do all that,

but my dad didn't

have any copyrights.

He didn't have any proof

like solid evidence.

And from then on, it's just

been this downward spiral.

My god.

That is so f***ed up.

But you know what?

This actually would make

a really great example

for my book.

Hear me out, your complete

and utter lack of

self-confidence has

led you to be not only

jobless, but homeless

and girl-less as well.

My god, thank you!

No, seriously!

Yet the only thing that

you are lacking is

testicular fortitude.

What are you

talking about?

Balls, Denton.

Look, I am, I am

very confident.

Really?

Hi.

I'm Denton.

Would you maybe like

wanna, I don't know,

go on a coffee

date with me?

Even though all I'm gonna

do is drink peppermint tea.

That was a C minus

impression at best.

Really?

What is this

p*ssy ass drink?

It's filled with antioxidants

and fights cervical cancer.

So you look kinda

dumb right now.

Look, this is gonna be the

summer that I change your life.

And I get to document

it in my book.

I Have the Balls

of an 8-Year-Old.

Elegant, yet sexy.

I'm gonna go to

the bathroom.

You think about it.

I'll be back.

Scream that title again.

What was it?

Shut up.

Denton.

You're my f***ing

hero, man.

It's been an honor watching

wet your kilt tonight.

I know you're gonna f***

all these hot b*tches.

How do you know

about that?

Sensei Jackson didn't

tell you about me?

I'm his star pupil, man.

Remember a couple years

back when that guy had to

be cut out of his house.

Yeah.

That was me.

I weighed 750

f***ing pounds.

I had to prop my titties up on a

towel rack just to dry them off.

That's about when Sensei

Jackson found me.

Put me on a grueling

training reg.

Had me sucking in his sweet,

delicious power shakes.

He f***ing saved

my life, man.

The dude is a saint.

Hey, will you

autograph my cock?

Nope! Hey!

You wanna

get out of here?

Yes, let's.

Hope you two had

a great night.

You're the sh*t, dude.

The sh*t!

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