The Big Gay Musical Page #3

? glorify Him. ?

? Yes, Jesus said. ?

? Oh, yes He said ?

? find salvation. ?

? He said make a...

donation. ?

? Jesus said, oh Jesus said,

oh yes He said! ?

Isn't she wonderful?

Everyday I thank the Lord for

bringing me Patty Maye.

Now, do you know

what it is time for?

Well, I hope so.

It is time to hear about Jesus!

Amen!

But before I can tell y'all about

the word of the Lord,

I need to talk to you about

something very important.

My friends,

partners in my ministry,

we have fallen on hard times.

Now, we want to express across

the world our message,

but, we are running out of money!

Now you know all the

money in your wallets

and in your bank accounts

and on your credit cards,

well, that is not your money!

That is God's money,

and God needs his money back!

Hallelujah!

And then last thing, just

at the end of "creation"

I want a sforzando

on the "aah",

so just watch me, it will

be like "aaaaahh!"

Like that, yeah?

Yes.

Thank you so much.

Have a good second act.

Thank you.

So, what do you think I should do?

About what?

Your parents or your virginity?

What? Huh? What?

You're a vir...

You'll have to excuse her. She's

never had to use that word before.

That is not true. I used to pray to

that Mary person and she was a vir...

Are you really a virgin?

This probably wasn't the best

place for this conversation.

We can help you out

with your virginity.

Oh, no you can't.

Leave him alone.

I didn't mean it like that. I meant

come out with us tonight.

We know a lot of hot boys.

We can get you laid.

Come out with us!

I'm not trying to get laid.

Going out tonight might be good

for you. Take your mind off things.

Give you a chance to clear your head.

And Sebastian and I will be there

to make sure these whores

don't put you on an express

train to hell.

Are you calling me a whore?

If I wasn't sitting in this chair

right now, I'd take my...

But you are, Blanche!

You are!

To alcohol!

Go-go dancing. I couldn't

imagine doing that.

Is he for real?

Red panties.

I know, and he has a zit

on his right butt cheek.

Alright, let's get him another.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Hey! Hey you!

How you doing?

I've never been better.

This was such a good idea.

Are you sure?

You seem pretty wasted.

You can call it "wasted',

I call it "free!"

Okay, just don't do

anything stupid.

I'll show you guys dancing.

What is this?

No, no, no, no.

Alright, I am so over you

and your friends.

Put it on my face,

put it on my face, yeah

Oh my God.

So good!

Don't knock yourself out.

I think this is yours.

I have no idea how it

ended up off of me.

May I help you

put it back on?

You can help me do anything.

Oh really?

Yeah.

Not in front of my friends.

What?

We can't kiss in front of my friends.

You know you kissed me right?

Yeah, I know, but

we can't do this in

front of my friends.

Do you want to go somewhere?

I've always wanted

to go to Paris.

Well, for tonight,

lets go to my place.

That will do for now.

Hey hold this,

I'll be right back.

Hey Eddie!

Can I talk to you a minute?

Sure, what's up?

Sorry.

Are you sure you know

what you're doing?

Yeah, why?

I just want to make sure.

You and your newfound freedom.

You don't have to go home with anyone.

Yeah, I know.

I wanna go home with him.

He's really hot.

Okay.

I appreciate it.

Goodnight.

Be safe.

Uh huh.

I've never done this before.

Just relax.

Doesn't this feel good?

Yes.

Wait, shouldn 't we get a con...

Don't worry about it.

Do you do this a lot?

No, you're special.

So, what happened

to you last night?

What do you mean?

Well, first you were drunk, and

then you were with that guy...

Scott?

Scott.

Did you do it?

Did you tap his little ass?

Well, he actually...

No!

What?

You bottomed for a bottom?

I don't even know what to say to that.

But you were safe, right?

What?

You were safe, right?

Safe?

When you had sex,

you used a condom?

He doesn't have sex a lot.

He said it would hurt more if...

Are you serious?

He's a slut! Don't you ever have

unsafe sex again, you hear me?

Never!

I don't care who you're with.

You just met him, that's crazy!

But...

Never have unsafe sex!

Ok?

Yes.

Fine.

Five minutes guys!

Thanks, five.

So, what should I do

about my parents?

Well, whatever you do, don't tell them

a bottom banged you bareback.

I'm serious!

Look, whatever you do, whatever

you tell them, just...

make sure you do it

before they get here.

[text signal]

What the hell?

What's wrong?

Someone told Sebastian

that I was HlV positive.

Oh, that makes sense now,

all the safe stuff.

I'm so sorry, I didn't...

I'm not!

I'm not positive!

Benny, you know what

I think it's time for?

I think it's time to tell all

our Christian friends

just what's going on in our

own family right now.

Are you sure you're up

for it, Sugar Plum?

I'm strong.

Strong.

For Jesus!

That's my Patty!

I'm not sure if y'all

know this or not,

but one of our very own singing

angels is my nephew, Steven.

My sister became a Catholic

for her husband,

and they have been raising Steven

as a Catholic!

Oh Lord.

Jesus just told me how

much that hurt Him!

Now, a couple of weeks ago,

Steven came to me and he said,

"Aunt Patty, I think there's something

you need to know."

Well, I clutched my heart and I said

"Please, dear Jesus. Let him tell me

he's leaving the Catholic Church!"

Praise Jesus!

But no, he said, "Aunt Patty,

I am a hhh...homosexual."

Homosexual!

Well, I fell to my knees and I said,

"No Jesus! No! He's become a priest!"

Oh no!

Well, thank Jesus,

he was not a priest.

But he was a hh...homosexual.

But at least that's a disease

we can cure him of.

Well, Benny and I talked to him,

and we read him parts of the bible

where it says homosexuality is wrong.

God hates them.

Hates them! Yes!

And then, Jesus gave me my mission.

And Benny and I together

started a retreat program

to help those young homosexuals

on the straight path to Jesus!

Good Lord!

To scare that demon of

homosexuality out of them!

Praise Jesus!

And we found a wonderful

recovered homosexual

named Bruce Cohan,

not Cohen.

And he used to be a choreographer

on the Broadway

until he found Jesus.

Yes indeed!

And he will lead that retreat!

Yes Lord!

Now part of your donations today

will go towards the "Foundation

Against Gayness Society."

Now, here's our nephew,

the reformed Catholic,

and soon to be reformed homosexual,

Praise Lord!

Steven, to give his testimony.

Praise Jesus.

Praise Jesus.

This whole situation has been

very difficult for me.

You see,

I love the Lord,

but, I know He doesn't love me.

I know He doesn't want

me to be gay.

And I know He won't love me

until I stop being this way.

? I will change foryou. ?

? I will change foryou, my God! ?

? I will be the boy

you want me to be! ?

? I will change for you. ?

? I will change foryou, my God. ?

? I just want to know

you love me again. ?

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