The Big Gay Musical Page #4

? I'll cast off these

wicked passions, ?

? these desires that I feel. ?

? I'll cast out these thoughts

that so offend Thy will. ?

? I will change, I promise,

I will change. ?

? I will change foryou my God. ?

Hey Sebastian, it's Paul.

Please call me back,

we need to talk about this.

I'm not positive. I don't know

who told you that, but it's a lie.

Please call me back.

Bye.

This is the Lyons. Leave a message

and we'll call you right back.

Hi Mom and Dad, it's just me.

I just got out the show and

I wanted to call to say hi.

Hope you guys are well.

We'll talk soon.

I love you.

A lot.

? Well, you know I've been a liar... ?

I can 't believe someone

would do that to you.

I mean, if someone told him I was a

drunk or something I wouldn't care.

'Cause it's true.

This is just vicious.

F*** it.

I'll be right back.

That's Johnny, everyone!

All right, now it's time for

us to bring up one of our

regulars here at 'Mostly Sondheim.'

Come on up, Dante!

He's not gonna sing

that song again?

Hey.

You better sing 'Meadowlark' later.

Ok.

This is one of my favorite songs.

Oh yes he is.

? Fernando, the espresso man, ?

? brings mejava when he can. ?

? Fernando, the espresso man, ?

? I love him a lot a lot a ?

? latte! ?

Someone please shoot me!

Here.

Just shoot these.

? Fills my coffee with his cream! ?

You're ok?

Yeah...

? I love him a lot a lot a ?

? latte! ?

Thanks for coming here.

I just wish I was in better spirits.

It's ok.

Is it strange that he's

not calling me back?

Who?

Oh, thanks.

Scott.

He isn't calling me back.

What'd you think was gonna happen?

You met him. You had sex.

That's pretty much the end of it.

But I thought he liked me.

Eddie, it's not about liking you or

not liking you. It was just sex!

But it was so special.

It was just sex, trust me.

Just sex?

So I should just go out and

have sex with people?

What the hell do I know?

Why does being gay have

to be this hard?

I don't know, but you can't

let this get you down.

You can't let this a**hole hurt you.

You just have to pick up and move on.

Everything is gonna be OK.

And if you're looking

for more then sex,

you don't sleep with the guy

an hour after you met him.

I just feel awful.

And my butt still hurts.

I'm sorry.

As Homer Simpson so admirably put it,

"To alcohol, the cause of

and solution to all of life's problems."

So, what are you gonna

do about Sebastian?

Paul?

Yeah.

Hey!

Thanks for calling me back.

No, I'm fine.

I just have a lot on my

mind right now.

A lot!

Look, I can't really talk right now.

I'm on my way to a dance class,

but I'll call you later.

Bye, love you.

Hey Sebastian, it's Paul.

Again.

Listen, I just got tested for you

and I'm negative.

We need to talk.

What are you writing, your memoirs?

No, I'm just trying to get

my thoughts together.

You're OK?

Yeah, this whole Sebastian thing

is just freaking me out.

Oh, I got tested.

And?

I'm negative.

Of course.

But no matter how safe you are,

those tests are just so nerve-wracking.

What did Sebastian say when you

told him you were tested?

Nothing. He hasn't even

called me back yet.

He's an a**hole.

No, he's just confused.

No, he's an a**hole.

You at least deserve a phone call.

You know, I try and look for a healthy

monogamous relationship,

or someone to spend my life with,

but I always end up getting f***ed.

And not in a good way.

That's why I don't do the love thing

anymore. It get's too complicated.

What you need is to get f***ed...

and in a good way!

I want a husband, two point five kids,

a house in the Hamptons and a dog.

I don't wanna be a slut

like everyone else.

Are you talking about me?

Oh, I don't think the word

slut does you justice.

B*tch!

Whore!

Slut!

Oh, you wish!

Look, if you wanna change,

then change.

If you don't, then stop

bitching about it!

It's just sex, it doesn't

have to be special.

It's just like working out.

But with someone else.

But I want sex to be special -

to mean something.

But why?

Imagine if you went to a theme park

and walked around and around

until you found the perfect

rollercoaster.

By the time you picked the right one,

the park would be closed,

and you wouldn't have gotten

to enjoy anything.

Sometimes you should just

shut up and enjoy the ride.

Cute analogy.

I am impressed.

Thanks.

Go on.

Be a slut.

Be a great big slut.

Try 'Manhunt.'

I'm not going on 'Manhunt.'

Position?

Top.

Versatile.

Hello!

Hello!

Tonight I've dug into my trunk

and pulled out a song that I've

never ever sung before.

It seems to be the new theme song

since I've had my 'epiphany.'

? I was raised to have values. ?

? Of myforbearance,

myparents would be proud! ?

This is fantastic!

? So forgive, this vulgar phrase

which now I shall use. ?

? God, I need to get plowed! ?

? To hell with romance. ?

? Just drop your pants. ?

? I wanna be a slut. ?

I decided to hook up online.

It's happening. The end

of the world is upon us.

Run for your lives!

Hell has frozen over.

? But now I don't care. ?

? As long as myfeet

end up in the air. ?

? Well, I wanna be a slut. ?

I've tried the whole dating

thing. It didn't work,

so I'm trying something new.

Show us your profile!

No!

B*tch, let us help you.

We're professional sluts.

Trust us.

? I'm eagerto please. ?

? I'm down on my knees. ?

You're using your headshot?

Child, I have a camera. But do not use

your headshot. That's just crazy!

? You'll be the grill,

maybe I'll be the meat. ?

? I'll be the harbor

and you'll be the fleet. ?

Perfect!

But you cut off my head.

Exactly! Now we're gonna

take one with your face.

And you don't have to show this pic

unless you're interested in

the guy you're talking to.

I never realized being

a slut was so hard.

? Like a teenage gorilla. ?

Don't worry baby, we'll help you.

? You don't have to be

all that buff or a jock boy. ?

? Let's cut to the chase,

let's see your cock boy. ?

? All guilt has ceased. ?

? Pretend I'm a priest. ?

? I wanna be a slut! ?

? In the john in the mall, ?

? giving head in a stall. ?

? I wanna be a slut. ?

? Call me Maxwell, I'm good. ?

? To the very last drop. ?

? Call me b*tch, call me whore, ?

? go ahead, call a cop. ?

? Whoeveryou call, just

be sure he's a top. ?

? I've tattooed a target on my butt. ?

? Cause I wanna be a... ?

It's like Will Rodgers

always used to say,

"l never met a man I didn 't like."

? Cause I wanna be a slut! ?

My parents would have loved this.

Paul Connor everybody.

Lord! Take a break. Crazy!

Alright, let's do something else.

Sorry.

Hi.

Hey.

I really liked watching you.

Do you wanna see more?

Mm-hm.

You're place?

Sure.

? I met my love in a very odd way. ?

? From a distance, we connected. ?

That was awesome.

I do what I can.

Did you cum?

No.

Oh no, no.

I wanna make you cum.

I'm just really drunk.

Come on.

What?

Yeah... uh...

I don't cuddle.

Goodnight.

? Looking at men makes us sick! ?

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