The Boss Page #4

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Nobody here at this table likes you.

- Nobody at this entire club likes you.

- (WHISPERING) That's not true.

Horrible, horrible feedback from everybody.

So, thank you for the groveling. Good bye!

F*** off, Bryce.

Yeah. You know what?

You wouldn't even be here

if I hadn't brought you in

as a junior executive.

And, Terri, you think anybody else

would've hired you right out of college?

No! I don't who the f*** you three are.

But I'll guess this.

I bet you got here

climbing on my back somehow.

Carl, I gave you that Landis account.

I handed you your career

and I'm the one that made Pam a sales rep!

Pam is dead.

Pam was a whore!

She f***ed her way

through the whole IT department.

And Terri knows it,

'cause you were in on it, too!

MICHELLE:
Yeah!

CARL:
The tech guys?

You think Pam did all the tech guys?

The lowest, weirdest, saddest guys!

That's who Pam f***ed!

Go to hell, Michelle! Go to hell!

When I get to hell,

I'll tell Pam that you said hello,

'cause she's probably down there

f***ing IT guys.

Weird little guys,

carrying wires around in weird hats.

That's who she's f***ing in hell.

Yeah.

I don't need you.

I don't need you and you're gonna be sorry.

'Cause I got a sweet deal for you

and you're letting it walk out.

You know, you want

to be dumbasses? Be my guest.

I'll tell you what, you're gonna regret this.

Yow!

(GROANING)

Yow! Son of a b*tch!

- Holy sh*t!

- Son of a b*tch!

How'd she survive that?

BRYCE:
'Cause she's horrible.

Let's go.

MICHELLE:
Mother of shite!

I dinged my pelvis again.

Ah.

(EXHALES)

- Tell me everything.

- Okay.

So, right off the top,

Bryce ordered a Nicoise salad

but he asked for

the tuna to be really well done.

But if it's a quality piece of tuna,

you don't wanna have it...

- Not relevant.

- Okay, right.

Bryce did everything you asked him to do.

Michelle came in. She was like,

"I wanna be in a business."

And he was like, "No dice."

And then, she fell down a flight of stairs.

(GASPS) Did she hurt her wonderful body?

I have a video of it. Do you wanna see?

MICHELLE:
I'll tell you what.

- Oh, look at her.

- STEPHAN:
Mmm-hmm.

Oh. (LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh.

DR. OZ:
So you see the normal intestine.

Now, notice the difference

between that intestine and this intestine.

I'm getting light-headed.

Is there any of that brownie left?

- Yeah.

- I feel like my blood sugar's dropping.

I should probably pop it with a little sugar.

Holy sh*t! That is a good brownie.

Language.

Well, I'm sorry,

you give me a holy-sh*t brownie.

I'm gonna say, "Holy sh*t!"

'Cause holy sh*t, this is a good brownie.

I can't believe...

Your mom makes these, right?

Yeah, it's a family recipe.

Hi!

I'm pretty sure Michelle has diverticulitis.

- What?

- MICHELLE:
I got it.

I think it's pretty advanced, Claire.

CLAIRE:
Who said that?

Doctor Oz.

MICHELLE:
Look.

Oh, my God!

There's my colon again.

Okay, you need to get off the couch

because you've been laying down

for about three weeks.

And, also, you have to

start pulling your weight around here.

We can start tonight.

You can take Rachel

to her Dandelions meeting.

- What?

- Why aren't you taking me?

Sweetie, I can't.

My boss, who is

a massive fan of yours, by the way,

has decided I need

to go back in for the evening.

CLAIRE:
Okay? (CLAPS HANDS)

Let's go! The most important part of the plan

being "get off the couch."

I don't think I like sassy Claire.

MICHELLE:
All right. I want you to give me

the lowdown on this meeting.

What are my opportunities?

What are my pitfalls?

RACHEL:
What do you mean?

MICHELLE:
Well,

I want to know what I'm walking into.

RACHEL:
Oh, everyone's pretty nice.

I forgot how many people ride the "L."

It's kind of fascinating.

Some people depend on this.

Like, they don't have a car.

Well, I know that.

MICHELLE:
Roller-skating or roller-blading?

Roller-blading.

Honey or agave nectar?

- Agave.

- No, they're both terrible.

Cell phone, landline?

- What?

- Oh, God.

Do you not know what that means?

- No.

- (SIGHS) Oh, Jesus.

MICHELLE:
Okay, this should be interesting.

Ladies, big news. Great news.

Marsha Swan's tabby cat, Spaghetti,

is on the mend

and expected to make a full recovery.

Yay, Spaghetti!

Yay!

My daughter, Beth,

was so worried about Spaghetti.

Thank goodness she's back on her feet.

Funny fact about Spaghetti,

she hates spaghetti.

You seem f***ing crazy to me.

Excuse me?

- Cute as a daisy to me.

- (GIGGLING)

SANDY:
Okay, now, not to sound too kookie,

but let's talk "cookie" sales, that is.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Okay, so this year, we came in with $21,000.

Pretty good job, big bucks.

But Detroit is still in the lead for the year

with $189,000.

Can I just ask you, are these numbers

you're talking about just cookie sales?

And, if so, how many troupes

are we talking about here?

There are 3.2 million Dandelions

all over the world

blown across the earth, making a difference.

Is this global?

Wait, I recognize you.

You're Michelle Darnell.

Please, don't make a fuss.

Oh, I'm gonna make a fuss.

You're a convicted felon

sitting in a room full of children.

You're a criminal.

It was white-collar crime.

Okay, you don't have to defend me.

You're such a loser.

I'm sorry, what did he say?

What?

- SANDY:
Well, I would...

- (WHISPERING) Yeah.

Excuse me. Hi.

MICHELLE:
I gotta ask you.

Now are we talking part-time

or full-time employees here?

Nope, just happy volunteers.

What?

For your information, jailbird...

She seems great.

The Dandelions helps girls

build leadership skills.

It looks good on their high-school transcript

and they are bettering their community,

which is more than I can say for you.

A-ha. What is your name?

Helen Kreagan.

Oh, you know what?

I think you dropped something right here.

- You go f*** yourself.

- Go f*** yourself.

(WHISPERING) Go f*** yourself.

I don't think you know who you're talking to.

I think I do.

And I think I want you to f*** off.

I don't think you do.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my gosh!

Can we just take a minute

and give congrats to Sarah, here?

Thank you. It's Sandy. It's Sandy.

- Or Sandy.

- I like Sarah.

Whatever, either one.

I gotta know how much

are you selling these boxes for?

SANDY:
Girls.

GROUP:
$7.

MICHELLE:
$7?

Ka-ching, right?

I got a guy in Shanghai who can make this

same box of cookies, 19 cents.

This is an official meeting

and you're interrupting it.

Let's take a poll, show of hands.

Who finds Helen to be a bummer?

MICHELLE:
Lots of hands. Oh, Helen.

Toot. (CHUCKLING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Do something, Mom.

I object to parolees attending our meetings

and I'd like to put that in the minutes.

May I?

Let me just handle this.

Another great point by Helen.

You know what, Helen?

If you don't get off my f***ing back,

I'm gonna shove a box of chocolate clusters

up that tight ass of yours.

(GASPING)

(GASPING) Oh.

I would love to go to lunch.

You're on. You got yourself a date.

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