The Boss Page #6

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She wouldn't be so pent-up and angry.

MICHELLE:
That's my hunch.

CLAIRE:
Let's change the subject.

We brought you guys

some delicious homemade brownie treats.

Ooh. Look at this!

We brought treats, everybody! Treats!

Let me ask you one question.

When you sell a box of cookies,

what do you get?

You get points

that can apply to your canoe trip.

Wrong, you get a big plate of bullshit!

That is 100% right, you beautiful giant!

Now, at Darnell's Darlings,

we don't think that's right.

We think if you go out

and sell a box of cookies,

we should give you 5% commission.

5% commission, every box you sell.

It was supposed to be 10%, I think.

- That's right, we did say that.

- Yeah.

So far, you suck at this.

Just letting you know that.

Okay, it's 10%.

You come work with us,

you get a share of the profits.

Okay. Or you can stay here!

Be my guest and, I don't know, build some

dirty badger nests in some kind of tree.

Or what did you have planned, Sandy?

Well, actually, we were gonna build

a dirty badger nest in a tree.

My God.

My God! And I was making that up.

I was trying to think

of the worst possible scenario on Earth.

What the hell is going on in here?

I leave the room for one minute

to talk to my landscaper

and the meeting goes into the toilet?

Sorry, Helen, we're almost done.

Okay, you guys,

the best part about Darnell's Darlings

is that, for each box sold, an extra 10%

will go into a college fund for you. Okay?

We are gonna help you

save for your college education.

Wait, are you trying to poach girls

from a Dandelions meeting?

No!

Helen, we are not trying to poach girls.

We are actively and definitely poaching girls

from this meeting.

HELEN:
Get your hands off me.

- F*** you, Helen!

- You f*** you!

Tell your little shitty daughter,

never talk to Rachel like that again.

- Let's um, go, girls.

- MICHELLE:
Okay, girls!

Whoever wants to go to the fun room,

come on with me!

Just down the hall.

The bigger, the better room. We got foosball!

Okay. And I promise, no Helen!

- Bye, Helen!

- Good luck with your product!

Oh, man.

I mean, what is it, anyway?

It looks like just a bunch of

homemade, gluten-filled, sugar-filled,

diabetes cake.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

HELEN:
With chocolate!

Oh, my God.

It's good.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

MICHELLE:
Now, what are we doing?

GROUP:
Selling brownies!

Okay, what do we say

if somebody doesn't want to buy?

"Buy my brownies or I'll kill you."

Don't say that, Chrystal.

Say that. That's perfect.

All right, now go make some money!

Woo!

MICHELLE:
The van leaves at 7:00!

If you're not back, we will leave without you!

No, we're not gonna leave.

Nobody's leaving you.

We're leaving at 7:00 sharp.

MICHELLE:
7:00!

CLAIRE:
The van'll be here.

I didn't count how many there were.

- I did. Whew.

- Oh, good.

(SOBBING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Okay, these are cut and cooled. Bag 'em.

Michelle, are you helping?

Yes, of course, I'm helping.

By the way,

don't give him anymore freebies, okay?

He's gotta pay for them,

just like everybody else.

Oh, they're so good!

There you are. All set.

Don't forget the tip.

Now, how could I? You're so big.

You've said it so many times.

And, there, you got it.

Hi, do you have money?

Hey!

There ain't gonna be

any brownies left in the world.

Get outta here. Go sell brownies!

(CHUCKLING)

- Okay.

- Hello, Bonnie!

Look at this. Patrice, take that.

Take that and buy me something!

I'm just kidding, but if you want to...

Remember, girls, when the houses are nice,

we double the price.

Rich people don't trust affordable snacks.

- You know what? Let's go up to $10 a box.

- HELEN:
Hey!

What do you think you're doing?

MICHELLE:
Hi, Helen!

We're participating in the American Dream.

Not on this street, you're not.

This is Dandelion territory.

It's okay, Helen, we'll just...

- HELEN:
Shut up, Sandy!

- Okay.

You guys are losers!

Hey, suck my dick, Gigantor!

- (ALL GASPING)

- You're f***ing dead!

Hannah, stop it!

HELEN:
We are not gonna behave like this!

Michelle.

A word?

MICHELLE:
I'd be delighted.

First rule of business, pretend to negotiate

and then take what you want.

Listen, jailbird.

You think because you used to be someone

that the rules don't apply to you

and your pathetic band of rejects?

Well, you're wrong, b*tch.

Ugh. Helen!

You got a case of the old trench-mouth.

Did you let a corpse curl up and die in there?

RACHEL:
Forget it, Michelle.

- Let's just start on the next block.

- MICHELLE:
No, no, no.

Second rule of business

is when a stanky, hummus-eating b*tch

and her yeti of a daughter gets in your face,

you gotta regulate.

Hannah, give me some space.

(ALL GASPING)

(CHUCKLING)

Oh.

- How'd that taste?

- Nice.

(GROANING)

Chomp on that!

(DARLINGS CHEERING)

(GRUNTING)

Let's get 'em!

(ALL CLAMORING)

They're animals! They're animals!

Rachel's not done!

Rachel's thirsty for more!

Yeah!

Hey, Chrystal! I'm coming for you!

Bring it on!

Oh, no, you don't!

You're not going anywhere!

Do you understand me?

Dandelions never leave a street fight!

God damn it, Helen!

We're gonna wipe the floor!

Sandy, why?

'Cause I'm the leader, dang it!

- You're a traitor!

- SANDY:
No.

Move! That b*tch is mine!

Wait. No!

Hey, time to put the cookies

back in the cookie jar, Helen!

- BOTH:
Ooh.

- I warned you, Helen! I warned you!

Those clusters are scratching me!

Good! Darlings!

Let's go!

Stay down!

- Don't tell your mom.

- Okay.

- (PANTING)

- This was great.

Ooh!

That batch is burnt!

Bye.

One of 'em's in me.

MICHELLE:
Hi, is there a Claire here?

Is Claire...

Hi! Where is Claire?

Section 509, but return on investment...

Ugh, ugh.

Oh.

- Look at you, in the middle of everything...

- I'll call you back.

In a bullpen.

What are you doing here?

We're out of brownies.

We need you to make more.

Well, I'm at work!

Uh, hi, there! Hey!

You're Michelle Darnell.

- Of course I am.

- (LAUGHS) Yes, you are.

Mike, this is Michelle. Michelle, Mike.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Ah...

"Mike" Mike.

Oh. Rejected Mike.

- The rejected Mike?

- Don't...

You know, he is kind of cute.

I think you should toss him a pity date.

MIKE:
I don't need the pity,

but I will take the date if that's out there.

If that's an option.

Pity's all you've got.

Pity's your best friend.

- Okay. Good to know.

- Okay.

Just stop talking to him, okay?

Leave him alone.

DANA:
What is going on here?

(STAMMERING) Oh, my... Greatest. Okay.

You are Michelle Darnell.

Guilty as charged.

Oh, wow. I have

two personal heroes in my life,

and I am staring at one of them right now.

- Oh, no. No touching.

- No.

Curious to know who the other one is.

It's Benedict Cumberbatch, and you.

Huh. I did not peg you for a "Cumbersnatch."

That's me. Cumbersnatch.

You seem like a real Cumbersnatch.

Well, thank you so, so much.

You're welcome. Oh...

Thank you. Great encounter.

It's always fun.

And I think I'm done with you.

Absolutely. And, madam, it was an honor.

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