The Brand New Testament Page #4

---

she was with that a**hole with a moped.

And you couldn't ride a moped because

you had one leg shorter than the other.

All that was me. ME! Understand?

He is nothing.

All he succeded in doing

was getting himself nailed to

a coat rack, like an owl.

I'm GOD!

Are you sick in the head?

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO

THE ASSASSIN:

The fourth apostle was named Francois.

The day everyone learned

how long they had to live

Francois bought a rifle.

If he shot his target

and missed

it meant, it wasn't

that person's day to die.

If he killed the person, then,

it wouldn't be his fault.

It was written. Francois was

merely the hand of destiny.

He'd always loved death.

He loved funerals.

Francois never cried.

He was never sad.

He called himself The Assassin.

The Assassin had slain

according to this partial list:

Ants:
number, unknown.

Flies:
number, unknown.

Butterflies:
six.

Estimates by The Assassin.

His cousin's mice.

Two parakeets, still his cousin's

Poisoned by 'spirits of salt' (HCl)

in the food dish.

The Assassin knew that

he was an assassin

ever since as a very small child

he became aware of himself.

At the same time he realized

there was a world outside himself.

At the same time he became

aware of the great frontier

separating the world of life

from that of death.

I knew I was the 'Ferryman'.

I was made for taking lives,

it was my deep nature I couldn't help it.

Like hair color, or shape of the nose,

it's genetically coded.

I'm an assassin.

My focus, my raison d'etre,

my vocation is ...

killing.

Today The Assassin is 41 years old,

At this stage, what's important

to know about The Assassin

is that his wife is named Catherine.

They had a child; a boy,

by mutual accord, called Grgory.

Catherine doesn't know that

The Assassin is an assassin.

She usually calls him - 'Cheri' - in the daytime,

on the phone, or with friends.

Sometimes - 'Bunny-rabbit'- on certain nights:

or - 'Francois'.- during serious

discussions or arguments.

Francois was one of the

many victims of 'Law 1522'

invented by my father.

If, one day, you fall in love

with a woman, there's a great chance

you will not spend your life with her.

Francois used to sell life insurance

but quickly realized

that his job served no purpose.

For your last day, choose one of

our fifty destinations.

Treat yourself to an end that

surpasses all that preceded it.

Hi, Kevin here again.

Why do you shoot at people?

If they die, it's not my fault.

It's their time to die, today.

If I miss ...

this wasn't their day.

- Is your gun loaded?

- No, not yet.

I should tell you

it's not your fault.

I f***ed up all this sh*t.

I sent off the death dates

to get revenge on my father.

I thought I could do some good for people.

Now I must find six apostles.

You're the fourth.

Your music is

'The Death and the Maiden' by Schubert.

It's sad but beautiful.

It would go well with Handel.

You should try shooting

a young woman with chestnut hair.

Go ahead.

She'll pass by in six seconds.

One crocodile, two crocodiles,

three crocodiles

four crocodiles, five crocodiles,

six crocodiles...

- How'd you do that?

- That's her. Shoot.

Shoot! Shoot!

What happened?

A miracle.

I don't love you.

I don't love you.

I don't love you.

I don't love you.

Yeah.

A little tired, that's all.

Excuse me ...

I love you.

I've never loved anyone.

I'm married, I don't love my wife.

I don't love my son, either.

I never loved my parents.

I've never loved anything, anyhow.

Except you.

I love you and

I will always love you.

If you don't love me, it's fine.

I'll go live alone, waiting for death,

thinking of you every day.

I wrote my number on the wrapping.

She'll call you.

13, 14, 15, 16 ...

Hi, still Kevin.

62 years to live!

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MARTINE

The fifth apostle was called Martine.

In the beginning, when she still

lived in the land of childhood

Martine's heart was composed,

95%, of gooey, perfumy stuff

which predisposes you

to romantic love.

Some things, you can't change.

Martine, you have

5 years, 2 months, 17 days to live.

- I won't be here, tonight.

- What?

I have a meeting in Dsseldorf,

with the Germans. - Oh.

'Morning, Madame. Feel like a coffee?

My husband came by the house.

He got a message that he had

39 years left to live.

I told him I had five years.

It seemed to comfort him.

Is 200, OK?

You have beautiful hair, Madame.

Thank you. Would you mind

not calling me Madame?

You have very beautiful eyes, too.

Thank you. What's your name?

I'm called Philippe.

Oh, yes...

Don't look.

When I see people,

I hear their little music.

Everyone has their own little music.

You...

have circus music.

He says he likes you.

It's the first time something

so beautiful happened to me.

Such lovely proof of love

makes me so happy.

Never mind,

I'm fed up with that thing.

Make yourself at home.

Want something to drink?

Sure you don't want to sleep inside?

I can't sleep unless I see the sky.

Victor had done 6 months in prison.

He was in the wrong place

at the wrong time.

When he got out, he couldn't stand

to sleep with a roof over him.

He was afraid of waking up

locked up.

How do you know, you love me?

You don't even know me.

I shot at you. I hit you and

nothing happened.

Then I followed you,

I could smell your odor.

It's like watercress.

And I fell in love.

All right, come.

Oh, sh*t.

Ea!

- Who's he?

- My Father, God.

I never imagined him like that.

Praise Myself! You're coming home

and you'll reboot my computer.

You don't scare me.

See what a state I'm in?

Why won't you reboot it?

Why won't you reboot my computer?

And put a stop to this crap.

I'm never coming back!

Do you like it here?

I'm happy, I got lots of friends.

I just need one more apostle, to make 18.

STOOOOPP!!

Stop it, with your 18 apostles.

12! There are 12, like hockey team.

It works, it always has!

I told your brother.

You want 18 because

your mother loves baseball.

But, F*** BASEBALL!

You always loved your mother

more than me.

Bai He Quan, the White Crane!

I've seen it. 'Way of the Dragon'?

The Cunning Elephant.

Forget it, Victor. Let's go.

No.

Give me your hand.

Ea! Don't make me come over there!

Ea, get back here!

Ea!

Ea!

We fished him out of the canal.

Dry him out on the mattress

with the Uzbeks.

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO WILLY

The sixth and last apostle

was named Willy.

When Willy found out how long

he had to live

he decided to become a girl.

Willy was my own personal miracle.

Willy has always been sickly.

You know what skin cancer is?

I've told you before, eh?

Time for your injection.

He never had anything serious

like cancer or stuff like that

but sick, nevertheless. Always.

When we were alone

my mother used to look at me.

A funny look. Like I was

a box of tacks still lying around

after she'd just cleaned house.

Then she said I looked like hell.

- You look like hell.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes