The Closet Page #5

- I was with Dad.

- What?

I had dinner with Dad.

- Don't lie to me.

- I swear we had dinner.

Did you leave him

cause he's gay?

What?

You could've told me.

Are you drunk?

I taped it. I missed the start,

but he's brilliant.

We're not in,

but Ieave us a message.

Christine, it's me,

you there?

You're not in?

You're there.

It's so good to hear you.

You OK?

Very well,

I had dinner with Frank.

He told me.

Did he tell you about...

Yes, I'm watching it on TV.

A re-run? What channel?

No, he recorded it.

What is all this?

Don't bug him.

He's found his thing, he's happy.

Stay out it! Go to bed!

Have you become gay?

It's a complicated story.

Don't bug him.

He was cool, tonight. Not uptight...

Get off my back!

No, that was for Frank, not you.

Can we meet?

Sure we can.

Dinner one night this week?

She'll bug the hell out of him!

Shut your trap!

And she's crude, too.

I'll call tomorrow

to say which night.

I saw my son,

I'm dining with my wife.

You're a genius!

I'm happy for you.

What's happened?

You look down.

- The cat ran away.

- Where to?

It left no forwarding address!

Of course...

May I come in?

Why am I so upset?

It wasn't here long.

Such an ordinary cat.

Don't worry. We'll find it.

I'll put up posters

all over with a description.

A description?

Yes, its particulars.

OK, describe it to me.

What?

Describe the cat to me.

It's small, gray...

Yes, they're sure to find it.

Add that it meows now and again.

You lived with it.

Aren't there any markings?

Nothing. You couldn't find

a more anonymous alley cat.

But I'm glad about your son

and your wife.

I'll find your cat.

I'll search every alley around.

Morning.

- Morning, how are you?

- Just fine.

What is it?

Nothing.

- You sure?

- Yes, why?

A dark look from you,

the boss's secretary...

Things are fine.

Miss Bertrand!

The CEO is planning

to promote Pignon.

Coffee, anyone?

No coffee.

You knew?

Knew what?

I've been fired.

The parade

boosted the company image.

You've got my job

as head-accountant.

They can't fire you like that!

Officially, it's sexual harassment.

Nice going!

- I want to see the CEO.

- He's busy.

Sorry, but I have to talk to you.

Call you back.

- I've called Security.

- No need.

Got a problem?

Yes, I heard I was being promoted.

News travels fast here.

There is talk of promoting you.

But that can't be it.

You cannot fire Miss Bertrand!

She's an excellent

head-accountant. Fire me!

It's OK.

No one's being fired.

Anyone for coffee?

Yes, I'd like a coffee.

Me, too.

Pignon!

You OK, Felix?

You came to see me.

Wearing my sweater!

It's lovely, I get compliments.

I thought you'd like this key-ring.

A little rugby ball!

That's neat!

I started a team here,

but the depressives were too weepy.

That's a shame.

Crying in a scrum,

you can't see the ball.

- Come back to work.

- I can't, I was fired.

No, the boss agrees:

we'll never find

a personnel man like you.

Or such a good rugby coach.

Don't, Francois.

My eyes are moist.

Like a fairy.

Sorry.

No harm done.

Come back soon.

Promise?

I promise.

It's too pink.

Makes you look silly.

Exchange it!

See you soon.

What time's the party?

Ready, he's coming!

- There's a party for me?

- Don't think so.

I knew it, you did!

I feel ill.

Why?

I'm still shaky.

I feel weak.

It'll be fine.

Give me your hand.

Is Pignon holding Santini's hand?

He is!

Congratulations, Felix.

Pignon and Santini.

Who could've guessed!

What are you doing here?

Hanging around. I didn't feel like

going home. And you?

I followed you. To thank you.

There's no need.

- And to apologize.

- What for?

For 6 years I saw you as a dullard,

with no brawn or brains,

no balls, nothing.

No need.

That's how everyone sees me.

One day, I saw a photo of you,

bareassed, being felt up by a gay.

Here, they found it

amazing or amusing.

I figured:
it's a crafty ploy

to keep his job.

You were right.

No, I was wrong.

You'd found a ploy,

but you're not a dullard.

You're a fine man.

Convincing you of that,

is the best way to thank you.

Convincing me

will be quite a chore.

I promise to do my best.

I'm dining with my wife, tomorrow.

She left me 2 years ago,

never saw me.

Now she's agreed,

intrigued by this gay thing.

I'm scared of being alone with her:

I'll be hopeless.

Has she replaced you?

Several times.

Several times isn't serious.

Have you had an affair?

No, other women don't interest me.

- That's not good.

- Why?

Won't help you get her back.

Women spot a lonely man.

It drives them away.

They also sense when a man

has known many women,

and it excites them.

If it's just to thank me...

You got any protection?

No.

Me, neither.

Usually, I have some in my purse...

These are our assembly lines,

and our packaging lines.

And those...

Those are our testers!

Madame!

Morning, gentlemen!

Before we get down to business,

I want to say this:

I'm confused

about Pignon's sexuality.

Things OK?

Amazing,

I waited so long for this.

What's this place?

A guy from the office

took me here.

It's a bit rustic...

A bit. You don't like it?

Rich food! I'll have a salad.

Shall we move?

I just came for an explanation.

Go ahead.

- You only came for that?

- Why else?

Sure.

Care for a drink, folks?

Champagne?

- No, bottled water.

- Yes, Madame.

For you, sir?

Glass of champagne.

What's all this that you're gay?

For 2 years,

I was so terribly stuck on you...

Mornings, waking without you,

I'd talk all day to you.

At night, sleepless,

I'd still talk to you.

I only quit when I phoned you:

you never answered.

Let's not go over all that again!

In my head,

I asked you why you'd left me,

when I loved you so much,

and had tried so hard

to make you happy.

I saw shrinks who said

I was an obsessive-compulsive.

They named my pain,

but couldn't cure it.

God, how I loved you!

I agreed to come, because

I saw you in a gay parade.

You said you'd explain!

I will, don't worry.

I'm happy...

I'm really happy, tonight.

Why?

I've realized

how unpleasant you are.

You're amazingly unpleasant!

I'd even say,

and forgive my frankness,

that you're totally uninteresting.

If you invited me to insult me...

Don't get mad,

I'm just starting to breathe.

After 2 years,

I'm breathing again.

I choked in my obsessive period,

I forgot who you were:

an ungenerous woman

who never gave me any love,

not even a tiny bit.

You're so uninteresting,

and now I'm so happy.

That's it, I'm leaving.

I'm not gay. I did it for my job

and your alimony!

Pretending not to like women,

I became a man!

Call your son,

fill him in on this hoax!

For 3 days

he's treated you like a hero!

- You mind?

- What?

That he no longer scorns me,

that I interest him.

It bothers you?

A boy shouldn't admire his dad

for acting a fag!

Telling him will be a let-down.

I'll tell him:

things will be fine again.

Sorry, you're dining alone!

We smoked a joint together.

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