The Dick & Paula Celebrity Special Page #7

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a naked man is

not an issue for me.

- Do we need the door closed?

- Ever been in a boy's locker room?

Sure. I have

track medals.

I was all-city.

So what's the problem?

I don't know how to put it.

It's a wave of panic at the

proximity of male genitalia...

in conjunction with the

specific activity implied.

Add to which, I'm still airsick.

I don't know if I can...

You writers are

so sensitive, you know?

You should be writing

greeting cards, not scripts.

What's up?

Not in the mood?

I'm just...

I don't know...

tired, you know. Drunk.

Just had alcohol.

Brandon tells me

you're his writer.

Well, y'know, I'm a writer.

I write.

I wrote some film scripts.

Really?

Ever heard of Chekhov?

I have.

I write like him.

You write like him?

So Brandon, the scene

in the church...

where Sonnyboy's killed by his

brother? Does that work?

Listen, we'll definitely

speak about this again.

I'm going to Africa tomorrow to

do a pretty complicated picture...

and then I have another picture in

L.A., and then maybe we can talk.

But I really want

to do your script.

It just needs a little

bit of work.

I need to think about it.

Know what I mean?

Have a great drive

back to New York.

My agent will call

you about the $6,000.

You can pay it back in

installments. He'll call you.

Yeah, Bonnie?

You sitting down?

No, I just...

I guess I just woke up.

I've decided to

finish my novel.

Yeah, I know, I know.

No, I won't let anything stand

in my way, I'll work...

nights, weekends,

whatever it takes.

Well, I came home...

and looked for the chapters I'd

written, but I couldn't find them.

And I thought, "God, maybe I've

thrown them out by mistake!"

And I panicked. Panicked!

No, then I found them.

My God, but that panic!

It just made me realise...

how dear they are to me.

So I reread them

and I just...

Well, they contain...

every aspiration

I've ever had...

every authentic

feeling...

every idea.

And I just got no choice.

I have to complete this.

This is me.

I love this book.

I love this book.

Well, thank you.

Come on in.

Are you okay?

You seemed tense

on the phone.

Yeah, come in. Want a drink?

Well, I wouldn't mind.

Some white wine,

if you have it.

So let me explain.

When we spoke

after the show...

we touched lightly on,

for want of a better term...

sexual technique.

Do you recall?

Certain strategies for...

pleasing a man in bed.

I don't know why...

I'm so rattled.

I said this so clearly on my

pillow last night...

- and now I'm all disjointed.

- Have some more wine.

I want you to show

me some things.

On television?

No, for me.

Personally.

Let me explain.

The man I'm going with...

whom I love

very dearly...

is very sexually active.

Which is great.

You know, great!

Our sex life...

is very solid and physical.

Well, obviously physical!

And the sad truth is...

Well, no.

I only recently

got divorced...

after being married to the same

man since I was in college...

whom I loved...

but who was all I'd

experienced.

I say this...

confidentially, because I

respect you professionally.

I think I disappointed

him sexually.

I come from a very

uptight...

proper family...

and I was taught...

growing up...

that a lot of acts of

lovemaking are wrong.

In my mother's eyes, actually...

quite sinful.

And so...

I went to a Catholic

school, you know?

Not that Tony

complains, but I feel...

that I'm not really...

that he's being kind.

And it's a testament to

his feelings for me...

that he desires me as much

as he does and enjoys it.

Don't get me wrong, we both

do. I love being wanted...

and the actual act itself.

But I just feel...

that I can do better.

And I want him to have the best.

I don't want him,

after a while...

to start wanting experiences

with other women.

I couldn't

take that again.

Is any of this making

sense to you?

Yeah.

So you what you

want is lessons.

I guess so, yeah.

I mean, I'm sure this

is highly unusual. Or not!

Of course you'll get paid.

Why not go to one

of those therapists?

No, no!

I don't want to get clinical

with Tony.

I wanted to learn it from someone

who'll teach it to me...

down and dirty! If you

know what I mean.

Just wondering where to begin.

How about oral sex?

Because, y'know, I sometimes feel...

it just doesn't

come naturally to me.

It's laboured.

I have trouble

breathing, actually.

And once a cap fell off my

tooth and I swallowed it.

Do you enjoy it?

I certainly don't mind it.

But do you enjoy it?

What goes through your

mind when you're doing it?

The Crucifixion.

I can't help it,

it's my upbringing.

All right, look...

show me how you do it.

- Go ahead.

- Now?

Yeah. Take the banana and

give me your best blowj*b.

Go ahead.

Yeah, down the hatch.

Oh my God!

- Have you ever injured him?

- No. Is it too hard?

Well, it's a little...

You see, I'm overeager.

I just try too hard.

It's all right. I'll show you.

I'll show you how to do it.

Here you go. Watch me.

It's a gentle, slow,

medium-slow motion.

Get all you can in your mouth...

Depth of penetration is vital.

Okay, watch this. Ready?

My God! Are you choking?

You're choking!

Oh my God!

Arms up!

My God! Put your

arms up again.

Thrust!

Is that out?

I am so sorry!

Do you want some water?

I'm okay, I'm okay.

I feel dreadful,

like it's my fault.

- It's all right.

- Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right.

Oh dear!

I need some more practice.

Should you be smoking?

Oh yeah! All right.

A toast...

to Sid Melnick!

And to the best book written

about the CIA in 10 years.

- Why's he so insecure?

- He's crazy.

- Feel like another drink?

- It would be good.

- Can I refill you?

- Yes, refill me.

Keep an eye on him.

- Bonnie's terrific.

- And a wonderful editor.

I get the feeling she's controlling

the chaos you call your life.

I figured, "F*** it!"

We've been practically living

together for the last 6 months.

So why not? I made

the commitment...

and so she gave up her place.

She moved in today.

Know what I hate about

promotional book tours?

You work your ass off...

knock yourself out,

then go to a bookstore...

they don't have your book.

- They never stock your book.

- I know.

The screenplay, the famous

screenplay, went nowhere.

You need a star and it's just

f***ing death. The humiliation!

- Business.

- Total, y'know?

Why don't you tell them

what you've been doing?

- Oh, please!

- What?

- What is it?

- I've almost finished my novel.

Really?

I've been slaving over it for

a year in my spare time.

But with the reception

my previous books got...

I'm a glutton for

punishment, right?

- This'll be a huge success.

- He's being modest.

- It's great.

- You read it?

You're gonna go by my

new roommate now?

Because she has

no agenda here.

- How are you?

- Nice to see you.

I know these guys!

- Lee, how you doing?

- Good to see you.

- Good to see you again.

- How you been?

This is Nola.

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