The Dick & Paula Celebrity Special Page #8

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That's Bonnie and Kevin.

That's Lee.

So, how are you?

Here we go.

Do you mind if...?

Thank you.

- How's it going?

- Very good.

So, how you doing?

I'm good.

I finished a long article.

Worked on it for 5 months...

and then we've been

vacationing a little bit.

My goodness!

Where'd you go?

To California.

Have you read Sid's book?

- How you been?

- Good.

I liked it very much.

A bit long.

Not too long. I was engrossed.

- How's your acting career?

- Slow, but breathing.

- Still working at Chippers?

- You remembered.

What was the spy movie we saw

last week? "The Hawk and the...?"

"The Falcon and the Snowman."

Thank you.

Doesn't it remind

you of that a bit?

Maybe I don't

remember the movie.

Young spies in trouble...

What have you been doing?

Nothing interesting.

- I called you Friday.

- I'm sorry.

I got your message. We were

in California a couple more days...

because she's never been

to San Francisco.

- I love that town!

- It was wonderful.

Until I tried to drive.

Never been more

terrified in my life.

- You should've seen her!

- I tried!

We were airborne, literally.

Like a special-effects movie.

It was scary.

I was just clutching the

thing for my life.

- Where'd you stay?

- The Fairmont.

Big time!

How'd you meet David?

How did we meet?

Well, I took her away

from a Nobel scientist.

I wasn't even going

out with him.

I was his translator.

Yes, and companion.

And she translated so well that

he offered to dump his wife.

You make it sound more

interesting than it was.

- Really?

- Excuse me.

Got a minute, Lee? Say

hello to Shelly Rubin.

You gotta catch this kid.

Great young comic.

Someone has to

do a piece on him.

The next Robin Williams.

Do Jack Nicholson

at the Seder for him.

It's hysterical.

Just attended my first Seder.

What a shindig that was!

Haggadah this...

haggadah that.

Only thing you gotta do

is drink a lot of wine.

That's uncanny.

- Isn't it great?

- Glad I saw it live.

- You have a great future.

- But I got more.

Cabernet for the Manichewitz...

Thanks, Lee.

We'll hook up.

- We should talk and meet.

- Nice talking to you!

We'll be in touch,

okay? Thanks.

Just in time. I was dying

of comedy poisoning.

You never came by.

I don't know why. Got

sidetracked, I guess.

That's all right.

Though I was pretty sure

you'd come that night.

All that talk

about my great face...

Well, it still looks...

exquisite.

Under these lights, especially,

you look fantastic.

Is that your girlfriend, or

another transvestite?

No, she's just...

She's a friend.

She's beautiful.

I'll get you a...

So you're with

David, right?

Yes and no.

Meaning?

What are you doing later?

Later?

After you drop off your

date, are you busy?

When? When

later?

We're meeting some friends now,

but why don't you meet me?

Meet me at the kiosk

opposite El Teddy's at 12.

Twelve noon, Tomorrow?

Twelve tonight.

Unless you're busy.

Twelve tonight?

Can I make you a

more European offer?

A kiosk at midnight?

Sure, sure.

We should get going.

Congratulations on the novel.

It's been a ballbreaker.

Really?

- Bonnie said she loved it.

- She would.

And she's a ballbreaker.

I hope it's good. I put two

years of my life into it.

I've never worked longer

than 5 months on anything, so...

Heard what Eric Jeffers said?

No.

She's working on a book about

experiences in the judicial system.

Ought to be a beaut.

Isn't Nola a little young

for David Delile?

Young?

He's your age, right?

I don't know.

How are you? Tired?

I got a little ulcer

problem here.

Poor baby. Got

a tummy ache?

Want your Pepcid?

- I checked. We're all out.

- We got some Mylanta.

Only Pepcid works for me.

I'll go to the 24-hour drugstore.

- This is bugging me.

- You going now?

- Yeah, it's a drag.

- I'm half-undressed.

You don't have to go!

You go to bed and...

Don't be silly.

I don't need an escort

to go to the...

drugstore.

I should get this fixed...

otherwise it'll bug me all night.

Be back soon, the moving men

are coming early tomorrow.

Yeah, I won't forget.

What's the time?

It's 11:
45.

- See you soon.

- Give me a kiss.

- Very soon, okay?

- Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm beat.

Sorry I'm late.

Been waiting long?

You're not late.

Listen, I have to level with you.

I can't really go

anywhere right now.

I don't know where to begin.

My luck's been lousy.

I got myself into a situation,

for whatever reason.

I was married

for a long time.

I thought I'd be better

single and it's been great.

It's been wild,

but lonely too.

And I know I should've come

by for you when I met you...

and I didn't.

And I think I didn't because I

was wary of you...

because I knew you triggered

some real feelings inside me.

And yet again, I f***ed up.

But I'm going to rectify

things before it's too late.

So please, what are

you doing tomorrow?

Is that you or your novel?

I'll be okay by

tomorrow, I promise.

I don't want to to cause

anyone any problems.

Sure. And David and you?

I've told David many times I

need someone to control me...

and I don't think he can do it.

And every guy

I meet...

thinks he'll be the one who'll

make me faithful. So be warned.

You should know

I don't scare easily.

I'm telling you because

you don't know me.

I know you, I've written

about you twice.

Twice you were the obscure

object of desire in my books.

The books failed.

My fault, not yours.

But I know you

inside out. It's scary.

Don't be misled.

You didn't make me up.

I'm telling that whatever

restlessness you've felt...

whatever moodiness

and unpredictability...

you've broken

hearts with...

and baby, you're

a heartbreaker...

it's all over

tonight.

Where'd you get that confidence?

Or are you scared?

I'm not David.

I created you twice out

of my imagination.

I wrote about you before

I even knew you existed.

Except one day,

I knew I'd meet you.

Well, what am I thinking?

You're thinking, "I wish

he'd shut up and kiss me."

- But you're late.

- I'm not late.

I think I'm right

on time for you.

But why would I kiss you here with

your apartment two blocks away?

- How did you know?

- Why wouldn't I know?

You were "Steffi"

in my first book...

and "Louise" in my second...

and now you're Nola.

- Hello?

- Movers.

Come right up, please.

I'll leave the door open.

Wake up!

The movers are here

with my things.

Sorry about last night.

The second you left for

the drugstore I conked out.

You must've been so disappointed

when you got back.

- The moving men are here?

- Yup. It's 7:
30.

- Listen, Bonnie.

- I made some coffee.

- Bonnie, listen.

- What is it?

I have to...

talk to you.

All right, I'm listening.

You got to listen.

- I've done a terrible thing.

- I bet it's a really bad thing.

- No, you should listen.

- All right.

I don't know how to say it, but...

- I wanna call this off.

- What are you talking about?

I know you'll think I'm the most...

f***ed-up son of a b*tch in

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