The Dictator Page #4

---

the Death to Aladeen Restaurant,

Wait. You look

very familiar.

Do I know you?

So"!/

So"!/

So sorry, Supreme Leader.

Don't worry.

I'm 50% to blame,

No! No! Supreme Leader!

Definitely not.

I must be going,

No, no. Stay, please.

If you hate Aladeen

and you like good food,

this is the place for you.

This way. Here we go.

Enjoy it,

No! No!

For you.

What is your name?

Allison Burgers,

That's a made-up name,

What's your real name?

Ladis.

Ladis what?

Ladis Washemm.

So your name

is like the sign. "Ladies Washroom"?

That is a made-up name.

What is your real name'?

I am interested.

We are interested.

Emploice,

Emploice what?

Emploice...Muswashans.

That is a made-up name.

Okay.

What is your real name'?

Max.

Max what'?

Imumoocupancyu

One-hundred-and-twenty,

There's a number in the name?

Who are you?

An Aladeen sympathizer?

No, no, no!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. No, no, no!

No!

It's Aladeen!

It's Aladeen without the beard!

No! It's not Aladeen!

Hasan, lock the door!

Wait, wait, wait, no!

There you are, cousin!

This is my cousin.

I see you've all met him.

He's very simple

and backwards. I'm sorry.

- Sorry.

- It's okay, sit,

- Okay.

- Sit and eat,

Have a seat, cousin.

Very sorry.

My apologies. Enjoy,

What are you doing here?

And what has happened to your beard?

I've been replaced by this body

double who's a total imbecile,

How are you alive?

How am I... Wail.

You don't know?

No,

Every single person

you had executed is still alive,

We all live here

in Little Wadiya.

The executioner, he is

a member of the Resistance!

You mean I never

executed anybody'?

No,

Like, honestly, zero people.

Nadal, you must help me

get back into power.

What? No.

Why would I do that?

I have a perfectly

good job here. I'm a Mac Genius!

What do you do'?

Mostly, I clean

semen out of laptops.

Congratulations.

Living the American dream,

Okay, fine. I will help you.

On one condition.

Name it,

You reinstate me

as Head of Nuclear Research,

so I can finish

building my bomb.

Deal.

One last thing.

You will let me build

a round nuclear weapon.

Never. It must be pointy,

- Wait a minute. This is

- Whoa.

Okay, compromise. Conical.

- Round. Round,

- Teat-shaped.

Okay.

- Okay. Deal.

- Deal.

Ladies and gentlemen

of the press,

our Supreme Leader

is indisposed to answer your questions

as he is currently

drafting Wadiya's new constitution,

which is scheduled

to be signed

at the Lancaster Penthouse

Ballroom in three days.

Thank you.

No further questions

There is no way we're going to

get anywhere near this hotel

without a security pass,

This is ridiculous.

- Wait.

- What are you doing?

Hiding from that

lesbian hobbit,

That woman,

you know hen'?

I cannot begin to tell you

what an honor it is

to be able to provide

all of the catering...

Well, of course.

...and the malroom

for this signing.

You just paid

this month's rent!

She offered me a job.

Can you imagine that'?

Me? Working?

Listen, hold onto that badge. It's the only

thing that'll get you past security-.

Okay, thanks.

Wait a minute.

Wait, her company is catering the

event, She has a security pass!

That is the answer.

This is the plan.

Okay? You will take that

job and you will work for her,

I will gel you

an identical beard and costume,

And then on

the day of the event,

you enter the Lancaster

as a member of her staff

You will find the double,

switch with him,

then rip up the constitution

in front of the whole world.

Me? Work for that

hairy titted yeti?

Kimberly'?

Zoe?

Who cares?

I've come here

to apologize

about some of the comments

I may have made about

Captain Hook and Blackie.

Great!

And I accept your job offer

as general manager.

Well, you can't be the manager,

because I am the manager.

Well, I can

if I killed you.

I think I'm starting

to get you.

All right, then...

I will get you.

Great!

Let's get you to work!

Yeah?

Hold on one second,

Hey, my man!

Excuse me. Hairnet!

Yeah.

I need a little of the

quinoa salad, please,

and throw a couple of

extra cranny-b's on top, if you could,

and I kind of need you

to hurry up, chief. Chop-chop,

Next!

Whoa, whoa!

Occupied!

Out. I have lo clean.

Come on, out you go, out you go,

- What? You're hurling me!

- Out. Come on.

Hey, Allison,

can you take out the garbage? Thanks.

Look! One of the

customers left a tip of

some Nair and some female razors,

Does anybody want to use it?

Slop that.

Suck it, loser.

Clean-up on aisle four!

Hey, buddy, I saw that,

That is very disrespectful

to your leader.

Whatever, dude,

Who are you,

Osama bin Laden's

best friend?

No, he is not

my best friend!

Though he has been staying

in my guest house

ever since they shot

his double last year.

Now the guy won't leave.

I know why this guy's

the most hated man in the world,

You just have to go

to the bathroom after him.

You go to the bathroom

after Osama,

you will realize

the true meaning of terrorism,

Here is the plan,

We're going to take

this helicopter tour

and fly over

the Lancaster to spot its weaknesses,

Remember, we're just two

ordinary American tourists

looking at the sights,

Don't worry, nobody gonna suspect

anything. it's a great plan, pointy.

Don't do anything

to arouse any suspicions,

Don't worry.

I am Wadiya's number one actor,

You don'! win four

Wadiyan Golden Globes for nothing,

Yes, you do,

because you gave them to yourself!

My performance in

Aladeen Jones and the Temple of Doom

was outstanding.

I give it thumbs down.

Have you seen

You've Got Mail Bomb?

Yes, I've seen them all!

They're all terrible movies!

Listen to me. Okay?

You are a terrible actor,

I urge you, right now,

keep your performance small and real.

All right, can you

get me a cloak?

Why'?

Because I think

my guy would be wearing a cloak.

No, your guy wears an American flag

sweatsuit and a sheriff's badge.

I need the sheriffs badge,

For what?

You're sheriff

of American douche-town!

That's rude.

Listen,

We're going to walk over

there, act very inconspicuous.

- Okay. No problem.

- This has to work.

Don't worry,

Just relax.

Are you okay'?

MY guy has a limp.

I fell off me horse

at the old Bull & Bush Pub

because

I am a cockney,

Listen! Listen, okay'?

You need to focus up right now

and be prepared

to deliver a small,

subtle perfonnance,

- Okay, great, okay.

- Okay, good.

Okay. So, when

we go to fly...

Don't do that

with your eyes!

You can't be

a Chinese person on this thing, okay'?

I'm not chink,

I'm Chinese-American!

No, but you cannot

hold your eyes!

Nobody is going to think

you're Chinese-American

because you hold

your eyes like that!

It's racist,

what you are doing!

Do you know it's a fact

that they cannot pronounce their R's?

They pronounce them

as L's.

So instead you know

what "rabbit" is in Chinese?

I don't know

how to speak Chinese,

-it's "labbit."

- It's not "labbi\!

Rate this script:4.5 / 2 votes